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CHEAT OF THE WEEK 6-2-08
Peter Owen
Welcome to Cheat of the Week - the most upfront feature the face of football has ever eyed. It promotes honesty and relegates cheats - and has no match.
This week Martin has written to the panel:
"There never seems to be any letters to Cheat of the Week lately. Has anyone got the balls to make a comment? I do miss the friendly banter and play on words.
P.S. Robert Huth is a cheat and although we don't like karate on Teesside, we do like to see a hard nut. of the ball."
Peter replies:
Hiya Martin
Firstly, we always make a point of emailing fan based websites of the club whose player has been awarded our Cheat of the Week.
Awareness is our one stamp and if one searches the internet you will see lots of second class idiots milking their posts, whose brains would fail football's MOT.
Mansfield fans were kindly asked if they wished to make comment last week but they
only have the balls to kick over their own stand.
Conference Heading Pears are no match for the ongoing Strawberry Truth. However,
now the Blackburn fans have their chance to either attack or defend.
Robert Huth of the Boro was our last Cheat of the Week, which shows our corner.
Therefore, we shall see who are the brighter sparks if any Blackburn fans email us.
And so swiftly on to this week's nominations:
Benni McCarthy - Blackburn Rovers
You are another diving cheat who will be getting some bird.
Mark Hughes - The Blackburn Parrot
Your eyes cheat your brains Parrot Face because you have taken to
criticising every official on Match of the Day.
Your team has more divers than the British Admiralty have submarines and they're all coming back to the surface so the facts can be aired.
And so to the panel:
Graham Frankland
It has to be Benni McCarthy for his ridiculous attempt to con referee Alan Wiley into awarding an undeserved penalty to Blackburn Rovers.
As it happens, I was watching Soccer Saturday at the time of this incident and the "expert" panellist covering the game was Matt Le Tissier.
There was a sudden scream from Le Tiss and when Jeff Stelling went across to him to ask what had happened, he began by saying that Blackburn had just had a "stonewall" penalty appeal turned down, before going on to describe how McCarthy had just been cynically up-ended in the box.
As he was describing the incident, he was obviously watching a video replay of it and there was a sudden realisation from Le Tissier that what he had just been saying was in fact total bollocks and he immediately backtracked to the roars of laughter from Stelling and Co.
This just goes to prove that these cheats of the modern game can fool some of the people some of the time. Thankfully in this instance, the referee was not one of them.
Jeff Winter
Whilst Mark Hughes always does appear to have a face that would curdle milk, I am not sure that just being miserable and a bad loser constitutes being a cheater. His tactics do propel him towards that though.
The real cheating is on the pitch therefore McCarthy's low centre of gravity wins my vote.
Peter's analysis
If Mark Hughes was a fish he would need to be harpooned because his mouth just spits out everything else. He is a pain to every official with his rants and disruptive raves.
He also has three divers in his very own perfect team of do-goodies and it's my turn to feed him some stark reminders of reality, not the bull he feeds Match of the Day week after week, which they gulp down in large spoonfuls.
Bentley the Duck was cautioned for diving this season.
Pedersen the Pelican also dived and was told to find his feet.
McCarthy the Minah Bird tried to pull off the same diving trick at the weekend.
So Parrot-faced Hughes has three submariners in his team and all have been captured on camera. Yet he has the balls to constantly accuse the officials of denying his side fair play!
Therefore, McCarthy the Minah Bird is our Cheat of the Week and needs watching.
The wise words of Graham Frankland make Matt Le Tissier's nose for spotting a penalty look like the dipstick it sniffs.
His nose may block his vision but it highlights just how observant and tactically minded the modern day ref must be at all times - to both see and judge in a split second.
Referee Andre Marriner sanctioned that fact to absolute perfection during the midweek Premiership game between Spurs and Everton by nailing another two divers.
Imagine the brawl that would ensue if a ref ever showed an immediate red card to a
diving cheat. However, the police would soon set their alsatians on the press boys and bring things under control because Pow-wows are taboo!
I do not like those who try to ridicule the officials and although I never let it show, I think the ref should now wear a Rambo outfit and blacken out their good looks.
I also agree with Jeff Winter's summing up of Mark Hughes 100%. This keeps me
firmly in touch with the ball but not quite as often as Jamie Carragher of Liverpool.
He is football's Mr Octopus because he's handled more balls this season than a back
street vasectomy clinic and got away with the lot.
Congratulations of honesty are yours Emmanuel Adebayor of Arsenal because when
those two Manchester City players floored you in the box, you just smiled warmly. It was more a mugging than a penalty but to be fair, you did mug those Magpies twice.
Since then though, the New Messiah has managed to pull off his first minor miracle.
Apparently they are doing away with the Magpies' match-day programme and are
selling Hymn Sheets instead.
"Away in a Manager" and "The Lord's Not Our Shepherd" are the bookies' favourites.
This feature will never have an equal or an impersonator because our expert panellists are the Premiership plus voices.
Alistair Griffin should be back next week. Al's tele is actually sat on top of a diving board, which only indicates its legs were taken away before it also entered the box.
This feature cuts no corners, favours no-one and carries the right type of magnet as it pulls in a massive crowd every single week.
Finally, please feel free to hammer or to join us but we shalt not post thy prayers!
Cheat Of The Week is published weekly. No bullshit. No more cheating. Enough is enough. Contact us here with your nominations for Cheat of the Week.
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