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THERE'S ONLY ONE 'F' IN FLUKE 21-8-07
Toby Higgins
Saturday night posed a real dilemma. What to laugh at the most; our sneaky, hit-and-run style victory over Fulham, or Alan Hansen describing Yakubu as being good in the air?
While I don't often like to compare us to our Geordie rivals up the A1, we should definitely be the ones wearing black and white stripes, as well as carrying a swag bag. Let's face it - on Saturday, Fulham were robbed.
As for Hansen; I actually thought (notice the perfect tense has been used here) the guy made some valid points, despite starting every description of a player by simply reciting a list of their attributes. For example, a description of Cristiano Ronaldo would be "Quick. skilful. direct. great trickery", a description of Didier Drogba, "Strong. powerful. good in the air. keen eye for goal", and a description of David Wheater, "Tall. commanding. has hair that makes him look about 40 years older than he is. massive chin".
I probably shouldn't say this too loudly, incase David Moyes is reading, but Yakubu is woeful in the air. And at running. And at holding the ball up. And at scoring. Shit, I've become Alan Hansen in the space of a paragraph.
While everything at the moment appears very hush-hush surrounding Yakubu's future, the fact that Everton are frequently being linked with a move for him, and that he was dropped from the squad to face Fulham on Saturday, suggest this move is looking more and more likely with every passing second.
That said, after his performances against Blackburn and Wigan, he should have been dropped irrespective of any impending transfer.
It looked almost nailed on, until yesterday, when news broke that the clubs have failed to reach an agreement over the fee, and that the deal could be about to fall through.
The people are the top of this club who make the big decisions want to have a good, hard look at themselves, and then get a grip on reality. Yakubu's value is artificial at £10million, let alone the £12.5million we are rumoured to be quibbling over.
The only reason he's valued as high as £10million is because of the worst kept secret in Teesside; the lazy striker wants to be elsewhere. Once that becomes public knowledge, his value might as well be halved.
Amazingly, the 'Carlos Tevez affair' could indicate more than ever why it's best to get rid of your high valued players when there is decent money on the table. Tevez, and the infinitely more famous, Kia Joorabchian, reacted to West Ham's price tag of some £20million by declaring that Tevez' value was nearer £0 than £20million, as they had no use for a player who was refusing to player for them and therefore might as well let him go for next to nothing in order to at least recoup some of the losses they would make by paying his wages for the next X number of years.
While the Tevez thing is far more complex than any other transfer in the history of, well, anything, player power might be about to hit a new high; players blackmailing teams to force through transfers.
I actually feel sorry for Tevez. Not only is the bloke as ugly as sin, but he hadn't got a clue what the hell was going on during the summer, and now after he (almost) single handily kept West Ham up last season, he faces the same gruelling task at Manchester United this season. He's only human, you know.
At the moment, Southgate and the club, including Yakubu, are content in acting out a play in which a big lazy footballer really wants to stay at Middlesbrough because he cares so much about taking the club to the next level and fulfilling his personal ambitions here. But the nasty, smartly dressed manager wants to sell him for as much profit as he can, as he values the big lazy footballer as being one of the best in the league, but feels the offer from another club is too good to refuse. I've heard it's reviews are really good.
But, having watched another Nigerian play a fairly similar role at a theatre just up the road during their summer production, it's not beyond possibility that if Yakubu is told to stay at the club, he could mysteriously disappear. And then how are we going to get a good price for him? Emerson, anyone?
It's not like by selling him at the first chance we get, we'd be bowing to player pressure; it'd just be good business sense. Yakubu's displays thus far are that of a player who doesn't want to perform for us, so even if we kept him and played him, it'd be like playing with ten.
Also, with the African Nations Cup after Christmas, we're going to be without him for up to six weeks anyway, during the part of the season when he makes his final contribution before his well earned summer break; mid February. Let's just have him sold, and move on.
Unsurprisingly, our first win of the season came during a match that Yakubu didn't feature in. Fulham's fanzine, "There's only one 'F' in Fulham", might hold true to their fans, but it was one hell of an 'F' in fluke that we managed to come away with as much as a point, let alone all three.
To shamelessly borrow the words of Justin Timerblake, "What goes around, comes around". West Ham's 'goal' that wasn't a few years ago at Upton Park has finally been evened out, at just the right time as well.
Expect us to give Manchester United or Chelsea a hiding later on this season, and lose to a dodgy last minute penalty. They keep telling us these things even themselves out, and whoever they are, I believe them.
As for the new hero, Mido has the potential to become a legend on Teesside. His ego precedes him: he's had more clubs than both Craig Bellamy and Nicholas Anelka, but if Southgate can keep the reigns on him, we could be looking at the start of something special.
Though that 'if' is the size of Yakubu's arse.
Same time next week
Up The Boro
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A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.00 ON THE FA CUP FINAL
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's FA Cup Final clash between Portsmouth and Cardiff, whatever the result?
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We're going to lay out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final and we will collect £175.00 if Cardiff win, £171.24 if Portsmouth win and £170.00 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
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You have temporarily laid out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
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Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
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The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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