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THE VIEW FROM WEARSIDE 21-9-07
Lawrence Fulwell
Now then lads and lasses! Derby time is here at last and although we don't have as much in the way of a disliking of the Boro as we do for those lot up the road, it will be nice for the might of Sunderland to come and stick one up yer.
I will be this week giving an in-depth review of the players from both sides, their strengths and weaknesses and preferred positions, if I can remember them all that is.
Right then, last week Sunderland were a joy to watch. I was all fantasying about the Sunderland lads well into the night, such was the performance.
Boro on the other hand somehow managed to get stuffed 3-0 by the cockneys of West Ham. I never saw the game like, but by all accounts the Boro were a tad unlucky.
Reading the papers on Sunday it was clear to see that the Boro huffed and puffed and did all the running but just couldn't get it in at the crucial moment. Which reminds me of the time I tried to shag that lass at Butlins in Skegness when I was fifteen.
Anyway before we move on and look at the teams for Saturday, let's spare a thought for poor Newcastle and Big Sam. On second thoughts, let's not and just piss ourselves laughing at how bad they were against a Derby team who will be lucky to win again this season.
OK, moving on...
Sunderland should line up unchanged as follows;
Craig Gordon. A masterstroke of a signing by Roy Keane. Has been at the heart of every great Sunderland win this season. all two of them.
Paul McShane. Roy Keane knew this lad from his Old Trafford days and kept his eye on him. He has impressed me so far this season by only fucking up two or three times every game.
Nyron Nosworthy. Canny player this lad but he has the stupidest name in football. His parents can't have thought he would be one day gracing the centre stage of football in Wearside or they would have called him Roy Keane or something.
Danny Higginbotham. This lad looked a great signing on paper... the way he curves his surname on his autograph is a joy to behold.
Danny Collins. This lad has played for us for a while now and it is fair to say his good times far outweigh his bad times as a player. I reckon he will be the difference between defeat and victory come Saturday, although exactly which is as hard to predict as one of his passbacks.
Grant Leadbitter. This is a local lad who will be playing with the passion of Wearside come Saturday. I just he is not as thick as the rest of us Mackems and gets lost on the way to the team coach.
Dickson Etuhu. What a stupid name. Has anybody told him it is back to front? Saying that he plays a bit back to front as well so it must be a Nigerian thing.
Dwight Yorke. Now this lad is a strange one. I remember when he was playing for Manchester United and shagging that bird with the big tits. Thing is he was a centre forward back then who used to score goals. For some reason he is now a centre midfielder who is as mobile as me on a Sunday morning after a heavy night in the club.
Ross Wallace. Joined us for free on the basis that he must be good as he played for Celtic. The jury is still out on him as yet, mind you they could be some time so I'm glad I'm not paying the judge's fucking overtime.
Kenwyne Jones. Now this lad looks the part. Reminds me of Len Shackleton in his prime, obviously when Len was working part time down the coal mine that is. Ken, as I call him could be the next big thing in Sunderland, although what the last big thing was is a fucking mystery to me like.
Michael Chopra. Now Big Chopper as I like to shout at him from the stands, is real strap-on lad with good feet and is good in the air. I think now that he has got the Geordie scumbag out of his system he is going to be a world beater.
Right that's how Sunderland will line up and it is fair to say it looks a formidable prospect for any side, especially the Boro.
My camp spy in Boro has leaked all over me the latest hot news from the Riverside. So using my expert knowledge of the game I will give you a rub down off the Boro lads.
Boro will make a few changes to the team from Saturday but should line up as follows.
Mark Schwarzer. Prone to mistakes and is sure to gift Sunderland a chance as he drops yet another clanger in his box.
Luke Young. Is this the lad from Charlton? Scored his first Boro goal recently but it was in the wrong net. Must have thought he was back playing for Charlton.
Andrew Taylor. Never heard of him. Is he that Irish snooker player with the funny glasses?
Jonathan Woodgate. Decent player for an ex mag, however he has more injuries than I do when the social ask me if it is about time I signed off incapacity benefit.
David Wheater. Local lad this 'un I hear. Gig tall guy who likes to get forward and mix it about. I think Big Chopper will sort him out and bang him from behind early on and that will stop him coming up too fast I tell yer.
Stewart Downing. Great player this one. Has all the skill in the world and he learnt it from his time as Sunderland. He was recently quoted in the press as saying that his time at Sunderland was a bit of a cult.
Julio Arca. Now it will break the hearts of many a Sunderland fan to see him turn out against us on Saturday. Myself I always thought he was overated, even when I was calling for him to be named in the Argentina squad. I can't see him causing too much of a problem to the midfield prowess of Dwight Yorke.
Fabio Rochemback. I remember his debut against us two years ago and things have not improved since that rather bizarre start, when he kicked the ball into the river for no apparent reason. When he is about to take a free kick, NASA have a special code word to warn the space shuttles in orbit.
Gary O'Neil. New signing from Pompey and should replace the skipper Boateng but not in terms of passing ability. I heard the Pompey fans paid for his train fare to Teesside.
Mido. Scored against Newcastle and kicked off with the Mags fans. I think we should be careful about what we sing on Saturday, as obviously his English is better than his football. Bit of a nutcase and be careful with the scissors when he is around.
Tuncay Sanli. A hero in Turkey and the best player they have by all accounts. Mind you that is like being voted the best dressed man in Gateshead, for fuck's sake. Hit the bar more times than George Best against West Ham and now is sulking and wanting to go home.
So taking all that in, it is plain to see Sunderland should romp out 2-0 winners with a fine performance of attacking and free flowing football.
That's it from me. I will be back next week to discuss Sunderland's big Riverside victory.
Remember only Sunderland can say "We Are Sunderland!"
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