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THE LONG VIEW 24-8-07
Steve Morley
What's the definition of insanity? Skunks ahoy. look no further...
Ahead of the Maggots game and before The Long View embarks on a narrow-eyed vitriolic poke at the skanky skunks delusional self perceptions, I'd just like to give a nod to Khadim Hussein's Punjabi Boro poem.
This humble contributor has spent a fair bit of time in the Punjab where the men are hairy and the women scary, (or is it the other way round?) and 'you stupid dog' is stretching it, 'henna.' I'll just say you should have the 'toteh' to write it in English, 'henna.' But before dark thoughts of a skinned Khadim Hussein cloud my mind I'll get onto the serious stuff.
First off, beating Fulham was about the jammiest thing ever. Not only was a bibble bobble shot helpfully scooped into the net by their hapless keeper but also the ref saw fit to deny a blinding certainty. Our luck may have turned but I'm not convinced, given that our midfield looks seriously flaky and Boateng couldn't find a player in a red shirt even if the entire Fulham team helped him out by leaving the pitch for five minutes.
The second thing and it is related to the Skunks game - so bear with me - I've got
this sort of mate called Danji. He's from Wandsworth, Saaarf London and lives right near the nick, but not in it. yet. He's over six foot tall, and two foot wide - and that's just his index finger. He's a bit of an aberration. And it's not because his family were villains or that big bald-headed geezer from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, the UK champion bare-knuckle fighter, was his 'uncle,' sort of.
Do you remember that character? He moved very slowly, lumbering from side to side like a lard ass barrel full of molten lead - just like Yakubu. And he had that classic line: "Faaarkin northern monkeys.' In fact, I think that's all he said apart from: "Ere, wotchit" and "aintcha".
Anyway, I'm digressing. As I was saying Danji is a mutant like oddity. Why? Well before you splutter in your pint, burn your lips on the crack pipe or blow all that precious powder off the foil, take a deep breath. he's a Newcaaaaaaastle fan.
Yes, I know it's the ultimate expression of inane, gibbering stupidity. A Londoner born and bred, and with an illustrious pedigree of familial villainy so notorious that the banks in the area refused to have anything to do with anyone bearing his surname. and he's a skanky skunks supporter! (Maybe it does make sense).
Like me you might ask, 'Huh. what's the connection?' After pondering on it for a nanosecond I've figured it out. It's simple - the absence of logic. And as we all know, the skunks are the ultimate definition of illogical. Even the Oxford English Dictionary says so. Look it up. 'Illogical: adj 1 contrary to the principles of logic, 2 devoid of reason; senseless, 3 stupid beyond belief; Newcastle supporters.'
And how does the OED know this? Well like a blistering midday sun in the Saharan desert, it's there for all to see and impossible to ignore in the maggot's frequent exhortations that, 'We're the fourth biggest club in Europe.'
Whaaaaaaaaat? On what grounds is that then? Is it because of an illustrious pedigree that sees a trophy room full of silver every season? 1969 anyone?
Or does it have something to do with the hordes of Brazilian, Spanish and Italian internationals fleeing the uncultured environs of their domestic leagues to worship at the shrine of the St Shame Park sophisticates? Joey Barton anyone?
Or is it because little green men from outer space wrap themselves in black and white flags once a week and tune into earthly broadcasts to watch the skunks scurrying around like maggots? Youranus anyone?
Well their claim makes about as much as sense as any of the above. Unless, that is, it has something to do with the size of the crowd. And if that's it. of course. silly me. it makes perfect sense.
In that case I guess a suitable analogy would be drawing a parallel with the world's fourth largest country, Indonesia with a population of 231,627,000.
You know Indonesia don't you? The planet's fourth biggest on the biggie country scale - an economic powerhouse that's given to the world, er. lots of rubber.
Indonesia, the fourth ranking on the global richtometer - that cultural hothouse that's vastly contributed to the sum total of human knowledge and intellectual endeavour by producing lots of, er. green flags. Indonesia, clearly marked number four large among everyone else in the universe for all time ever - that thriving, heaving sweating mass of humanity that produces lots of. fishermen.
At the risk of labouring a point, which if there are any skunks out there with the ability to read this (I know reading is hard but stick with it), it might be necessary. In the real world, fourth largest anything, which ever way you cut it - means jack shit.
However, the persistent self-delusion carries with it the tiny seed of a thing, which will gladden the heart of Boro fans - and just about everyone else - the world over. It spells out their DOOM. Come on, let's face it, if you continue with such deranged thinking as 'the fourth largest' it's like farting in the face of a fiercely burning gas tank, or sticking a huge needle in your groin and insisting; 'Ah haven't gorra problem, like.'
Now come on little skunkies, think hard. Try and remember that 2,000 years of Western civilization is built on the foundations of reason and logic - not self delusion - which in turn has led to men on the moon, a Forex market that trades trillions of dollars every day, quantum physics and the humble computer chip to name but a few. Alright, I know civilization stops on the outskirts of Gateshead, so in that sense you might be excused - but it doesn't mean you're still not crap.
At least at the Boro we aren't weighed down by grandiosity. We know Yakubu is a lazy, fat-arsed Nigerian chancer (and the sooner he goes the better), Boateng despite his protestations is well past his best, Cattermole probably lacks that nth degree to really make it big - and yes we've got a midfield that could sink us this season while Southgate could be well out of his depth.
But we also know that despite our limitations - whatever the result at the weekend - we've been massively more successful than the black 'n' shites in the past decade than they've ever been in the past fourty years.
Postscript
I've recently been conducting a kind of Pavlovian experiment. In my neck of the woods there's a little gang of Somalian kids. One of them is a Chelsea supporter. (You've got to understand these are the kids of war refugees so there's going to be some kind of damage).
Anyway, I've been training them to chant a north-east colloquialism in response to a particular question.
And what is it?
I say to them: 'Newcastle, fourth largest club in Europe?'
Then these three little dark skinned, stick insects with big bug eyes, jump up and down like demented pistons shouting: 'Hadaway 'n' shite!'
It makes me smile.
RETURN TO THE LONG VIEW INDEX HERE
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