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THE LONG VIEW - THE DAILY SNORT: KEEGERS IN ORBIT 24-1-08
Steve Morley
THE DAILY SNORT
Live from the nation's nostrils
Keegers in Orbit
SNORT EXCLUSIVE - We trace the riddle of the "three missing years"
In a sensational expose, The Daily Snort has dramatically unearthed the truth about Whistling Weegan's missing three years.
The midgie one was hurtling around the earth in a satellite as part of an experiment designed to see how long flatulence could be used to propel seventy tons of spinning metal in a fixed orbit ten miles above the earth.
We tracked down former NASA employee, Rhet Livengood the Third, to his Boonsdock home in the Florida Glades. He said: "About three years ago this small funny looking guy turned up at the Nasa Experimental Labs asking for a job. We asked him if he had any experience with combustable gases and he said he was full of it."
"We ran a few tests and you know he was telling the truth. We explained our plans and I remember he went all funny. He started jabbing his finger and shouting, 'I would love it, if you put me into outer space and I tell you I would love it'. His only request was for a Playstation and a copy of Championship Manager."
Livengood the Third and his colleagues were amazed when Keegers was able to keep the craft in orbit for nearly three years.
"Well, hell, we gave him two months, but you gotta hand it to that guy, he performed a miracle in outer space. That big shiny tube we attached to his arse just kept on spouting gases."
"Mind you when he came down he was looking a little crazy and was babbling about jawdees - what is that, some kind of disease? - and being the chosen son. We kinda had to let him go at that point, you can't have crazies running around like that. It frightens the children."
Strange phenonmena
Meanwhile, a NASA listening station has detected a previously unregistered phenonmena. On Saturday, 19 January, at approximately 7.15pm GMT, when the late match score was coming in, a satellite 1,000 miles above the earth registered a series of strange noises emanating from the British Isles.
Professor Marsupial said: "It was very strange indeed. It sounded like a huge collective guffaw, a roaring laughter, a mighty bellowing of mirth and joy. It came from the entire country, nationwide, with one curious exception, Newcastle upon Tyne."
Catch of the Day
In an unguarded moment, the weekly love-in thinly disguised as a football programme, broke new ground this week with Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen declaring their undying love for Alan Shearer. On camera!
As Lineker and Hansen discussed Keegan's appointment, Shearer's lips began growing thinner and his face turned a funny shade of blue.
Lineker cast him a wistful glance and Hansen inched a bit closer until their knees were touching. The air crackled with tension until Lineker got up and whispered in Shearer's ear. As Hansen ran his hand down the nape of Shearer's neck he visibly relaxed.
Blowing kisses in Shearer's direction, Lineker turned to the camera and said, "Right the last game, Blackburn and Middlesbrough, and let me tell you Blackburn were unlucky not to win."
Lineker flashed a winning smile at the camera and the studio lights dimmed. Off camera, Shearer was heard to snarl, "I am Newcastle, it is me."
As the game began and amid the excited chatter of the commentator dumbfounded at the 565th Blackburn goal line clearance, the soft sounds of cooing in the studio could be heard.
VOXPOP
The Daily Snort pulled up at the Jolly Farmers this week and asked Bert, Sid, Jack and Wilf for their views on the latest transfer rumblings at the Boro.
DS: What do you make of the latest transfer talk?
Sid: I reckon Fred and Alf would be the dog's bollox.
Wilf: Aye. Can you imagine, the boys from Brazil, Fred and Alf?
Bert: It would be just like the Wilf Mannion days.
Jack: Hey Sid, Wilf, Bert, who the f**k are Alf and Fred?
Boroscopes from Mystic Muggles
Mark Schwarzer - With the fiery Mars transiting the intransigent Saturn you could find yourself under fire in the coming weeks
Tuncay Sanli - Mars retrogade in Neptune means you may struggle to find your feet
Stewie Downing - Excitable Gemini is adversely aspected by Mercury, placing you in the centre of a lot of hot air
David Wheater - As Saturn reaches the apex of your house you'll find yourself making many points. You will also find yourself exclaiming: "F**king great, but I'm the f**king centre back."
RETURN TO THE LONG VIEW INDEX HERE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.00 ON THE FA CUP FINAL
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's FA Cup Final clash between Portsmouth and Cardiff, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.00, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time (ninety minutes), you will be at least £41.00 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final and we will collect £175.00 if Cardiff win, £171.24 if Portsmouth win and £170.00 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £84.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Cardiff at 5.00 (4/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Cardiff as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Cardiff.
Back Portsmouth with £84.00 at 1.78 (4/5) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on the draw at 3.44 (12/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on the draw.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Cardiff win, you collect £175.00. That's £150.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £171.24. That's £146.24 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw you collect £170.00. That's £145.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Cardiff match is a draw and you make £41.00 profit. However, if Cardiff win you make £46.00 and if Portsmouth win you make £42.24. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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