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THE LONG VIEW - THE DAILY SNORT 4-2-08
Steve Morley
THE DAILY SNORT
Rummaging in the nation's armpit to bring you all the news that's fit to print
Deadly disease sweeping over society - Millions infected - End of the world predicted
A new life-threatening, repugnant and loathsome disease has been detected. Experts are predicting it could be the beginning of the end for society as we know it. Alarmingly the latest strain was discovered on Teesside.
Professor R.L.Y. McThickgegs at the Institute of Vile and Horrible Diseases said: "It's truly frightening. Those infected have a demented burning light in their eyes while their fingers curl in a perpetual grabbing motion."
He adds: "At first we thought it might be a disease that only infects single parent mums struggling to survive on pitifully small benefits; homeless refugees who've fled war torn countries in fear of their lives, leaving behind the limbless and burnt corpses of their near and dear ones; the crippled and the blind; and the long-term unemployed. At least that's what the government told us. But after a few experiments we discovered it's only displayed amongst those who have shed loads of everything."
McThickgeggs named the creeping lurky "gridibastaaditis" and pointed out that its most notable and recent manifestation was in soccer agent Ian Elliot. We contacted Mr Elliot to find out what treatment he was seeking.
He commented: "Treatment? I'll give you f**king treatment. £140,000 a month for my boy Downing is not enough to feed my f**king cat, much less look after a grown man. For f**k's sake, my share is only ten f**king per cent over five f**king years, that's just under a million quid. What the f**k am I going to do with that? Buy a bag of f**king Walkers Salt and Vinegar?"
To gain an expert view on Elliot's measured opinion we contacted Dr. Lab Oratory. He said: "It's a sick illness and is spreading very quickly. Look at the panic in recent weeks. Some company profits have recently fallen from £120billion to £110billion and as a result many people have been throwing themselves out of windows because they know they'll have to keep last year's BMW for another month."
When pressed about a solution, he said the only way that mankind could be saved was by sending all football agents, stockbrokers, traders and the entire marketing profession into deepest, darkest space. Failing that he suggested using them to fuel nuclear reactors.
In a bid to nail down the government's plans for gridibastaaditis and with a warning ringing in our ears from McThickgegs to avoid all contact with the infected, The Daily Snort turned up at Downing Street to confront the Prime Minister, Gordon Broon.
In response to our questions Broon said: "The markets are self regulating and will curb any excesses."
After pointing out the case of Ian Elliot, Tory MPs using public money to fund the lavish lifestyles of their plump and preening offspring, the entire City of London, all sub-prime bonds buyers, the credit card and banking industry, and Reg the market trader on Stockton High Street, we noticed Broon's fingers involuntarily curling in a perpetual grabbing motion whilst reaching for Ian Elliot's phone number.
Win a Competition
All you've got to do is "Name That Footballer". And here are your clues:
He played for a well known London team and now plies his trade at Chelsea.
He oozes nasty arrogance.
He thinks money, Bentleys, diamonds and brand clothing make him superior.
He's so shallow he makes a puddle look like Niagra Falls.
He wears an "I'm a twat" diamond stud in his ear.
He seems pinker than candy floss and as horrible as Ian Elliot.
Your prize - a day in the libel courts (for speaking the truth).
Voxpop
The Daily Snort rumbled down to the British Legion to get the members' views on Jonathan Woodgate's departure to the barren wasteland that is White Hart Lane.
DS: What d'ya think, Woody has gone?
Doris: Eeee, at least he might now get a haircut.
Elsie: He always was a soft lad.
Mabel: Didn't he play football, or summat?
Betty: Ah couldn't give a f**k, he was a useless t**t all season.
Boroscopes from Mystic Muggles
Donkey Gook Lee - Neptune, the planet of deception and illusion, is finally leaving your sign after sixteen long years. As a result, you will now realise that you are not a footballer, were never meant to be a footballer and can now stop pretending to be a footballer.
Jim "everyman" Jones - This week the stars show that life lies before you like an open book. All you have to do is seize the opportunities that are on offer. These might include a pay rise, promotion, overseas travel or even a bawdy night out down the pub with your mates. Then again, you may be charred to a crisp cinder in an exploding fireball as you crash into the back of a petrol tanker.
RETURN TO THE LONG VIEW INDEX HERE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.00 ON THE FA CUP FINAL
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's FA Cup Final clash between Portsmouth and Cardiff, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.00, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time (ninety minutes), you will be at least £41.00 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final and we will collect £175.00 if Cardiff win, £171.24 if Portsmouth win and £170.00 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
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This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £84.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Cardiff at 5.00 (4/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Cardiff as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Cardiff.
Back Portsmouth with £84.00 at 1.78 (4/5) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on the draw at 3.44 (12/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on the draw.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Cardiff win, you collect £175.00. That's £150.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £171.24. That's £146.24 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw you collect £170.00. That's £145.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Cardiff match is a draw and you make £41.00 profit. However, if Cardiff win you make £46.00 and if Portsmouth win you make £42.24. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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