|
 |
THE LONG VIEW - THE DAILY SNORT 28-2-08
Steve Morley
THE DAILY SNORT
Canvassing the nation’s crevices to shine a light in dark and nasty places
Osama sends message to the world
Leading code cracker reveals secret of Bin Laden’s latest message
Notorious Dr Evil, Osama bin Laden, seems to have called a halt to his senseless spree of death and destruction and generally kicking to death of anyone who disagrees with his plans for ensuring his dispossessed followers have their fair share of the earth’s riches, as well as the right to teach that all Christians and Jews are pigs and dogs (phew).
This sensational revelation was revealed by Frederick Beansock, a widely esteemed expert in cryptography. Beansock was analysing Bin Laden’s latest statement and was shocked to discover that the notorious jihadi was informing his supporters to turn their endeavours in a more circular direction.
Beansock says:
"The text immediately caught my eye because it began with a B and spelt out Ball rather than the typical All. 'What is this?' I thought.
"A careful and rigorous textual analysis revealed a hidden code that spelt out in the first paragraph: ‘Boro… koteh ke toteh, hennah'.
“Most unusual. Now while this could be Hindi or Punjabi, equally it could be spoken Urdu, Bin Laden’s favoured language due to its associations with pure Arabic. Taking this as a starting point I translated it literally as ‘Boro… bitch of testicles, innit'.
“Upon first reading, this appears to lack literal sense but when translated contextually the message becomes glaringly clear: “Boro… dogs bollocks, innit.
“Clearly Bin Laden is keeping abreast of current events, but what does ‘Boro’ mean?”
Beansock’s textual analysis with coded letters highlighted
Ball praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created man as a favour… and grace from Him. And from His ways is that the days rotate between the people, and from His Law is retaliation in kind: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and the goal is scored. And all praise is due to Allah, who awakened His klutz slaves’ desire for the Garden, and all of them will enter it except those who refuse. And whoever t’ obeys Him alone in all of his affairs will enter the Garden, and whoever have disobeyed Him will be refused.
In shock policy U–turn Health Minister prescribes new practice for nation’s kids
Crack smoking, smack jacking, pill popping UK youth can be saved
In a move that has shocked the NHS, Keith MadClaw, Minister for Kiddies Health, plans to unveil a generation of new role models for the nation’s sprogs – at the Riverside.
MadClaw, who recently returned from a tour of third world countries, has claimed to have gained inspiration on his taxpayer’s funded jolly jaunt.
He said:
“In one school in Nkomobo a teacher presented his class with potential development opportunities.
"He asked whether they wanted to go to London and be taxi drivers. They all said no.
"He then asked whether they wanted to come to the UK to become traffic wardens. They all said no.
"He then asked them what they wanted to do. Several of the children whipped out pictures of Premier League footballers with ample behinds and chanted, ‘This, this, this is what we want.'"
MadClaw said:
“These children have shone a light on the government’s future policies. They aspire to have huge behinds while running around on grass all day. I think that’s a worthy aspiration and one that should be emulated by our younger generation.”
MadClaw added that he was convinced that policies based on this aspiration could be utilised to turn British youth from car jacking, dogging and binge drinking during school playtime to more positive, life enhancing activities.
He added:
“I do concede that having a rear end that is so fleshy, rotund and voluptuous may be considered a handicap in some circles, but in some third world countries I can assure you it is the epitome of healthy well-being and personal charm.”
MadClaw and his grinning entourage will unveil the fleshy details of their new policy at the Riverside Stadium on 30th February. He refused to reveal why he chose the Riverside.
Stop laughing – it’s not funny
Mysterious spate of deaths baffles medical experts
A wave of unexplainable deaths has caused consternation amongst the region's doctors. All the victims have been found with expressions of mirthful glee frozen on to their faces. The total number of deceased to date is over fifty but it appears to be rising with every new development at Newcastle United Football Club.
Alan Dimly, one of the region's top medical health experts and usually inured to the sight of death, said:
“It’s very uncanny, they appear to have died laughing. The first casualties came in on the 17th of January and by the end of the day we had twelve cases. I remember it well because I’m an ardent Newcastle fan and that was the day that Keegan was anointed.
“Then curiously there was another spate of unexplained expirations on the 17th of February. Sixteen in total. That was also clear in my mind as being a loyal Newcastle fan, I bank with Northern Rock, the club’s marvellous, financially credible, granite-solid sponsors. Wasn’t it nationalised on that day?
“But a few days ago, the number of deaths soared to twenty-three in one day. They were brought in from all over the region but the majority seemed to come from the Tees and Wear areas. They were a sight to see, huge grins spread across their faces, taken from this earth in mid guffaw. This day stood out in my mind because of the reports that Newcastle owner Mike Ashley was looking for a buyer for the club.”
The baffled Dimly is helping police to establish whether there is anything suspicious about the deaths.
Detective Inspector Smeg said:
“We’ve looked into reports that there may be some connection with events at Newcastle United Football Club.
"However, we haven’t yet established whether death rates peaked yet again following the recent 5-1 home defeat against Manchester United.”
Smeg then added while tittering into his coat sleeve:
“We’re treating it with the utmost seriousness so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t…” before running down a back alley to laugh uproariously.
Boroscopes by Mystic Muggles
Boro FC – Well my little dingoes it seems the stars are really twinkling in your favour these coming months. With a once in a millennium Mercury transit, you could find yourself entranced by bright shiny silvery objects.
The number three shows up strongly in your reading and I’ve been doing a bit of research to find out why.
In recent years you’ve been beaten twice by Chelsea in cup finals and you were number three for the sixth round draw which means that this year it’ll be third time lucky for you when you’ll whup Chelsea’s ass in the final.
But watch out; don’t step on the cracks in the pavement… or it could all go pear shaped.
Tuncay Sanli – A few weeks ago you were struggling to find your feet. In the coming days, you’ll struggle to find your head. Clue - it’s not on the end of your arm.
Julio Arca – What a week in store. The planets signalled their intent this Saturday. You won’t know which way is back, front, up or down. Be warned, stay away from large open grassy spaces and small round objects – you’ll only feel confused.
John ‘everyman’ Smith – Something small and seemingly insignificant will turn your world upside down.
Remember that Christmas Day several years ago when the second-hand ten pound telly you bought lasted one day before breaking?
Do you remember when you were so hard up that it was watery cabbage soup for you and the kids?
Remember when the kids' Christmas presents were savaged and chewed up by the neighbour’s mongrel?
Remember that house you broke into to get some money to buy milk? Remember you gobbed on the floor as you were leaving? Thought not.
But the old bill did and you’re about to be DNA’ed and paraded in front of the nation as an evil criminal mastermind.
RETURN TO THE LONG VIEW INDEX HERE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.00 ON THE FA CUP FINAL
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's FA Cup Final clash between Portsmouth and Cardiff, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.00, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time (ninety minutes), you will be at least £41.00 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final and we will collect £175.00 if Cardiff win, £171.24 if Portsmouth win and £170.00 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £84.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Cardiff at 5.00 (4/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Cardiff as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Cardiff.
Back Portsmouth with £84.00 at 1.78 (4/5) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on the draw at 3.44 (12/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on the draw.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Cardiff win, you collect £175.00. That's £150.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £171.24. That's £146.24 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw you collect £170.00. That's £145.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Cardiff match is a draw and you make £41.00 profit. However, if Cardiff win you make £46.00 and if Portsmouth win you make £42.24. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
|
|
|
|
