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THE LONG VIEW - THE DAILY SNORT 14-3-08
Steve Morley
THE DAILY SNORT
Shining a light on the muck that’s swept under the carpet
LOST CAUSE ON TEESSIDE?
A team of palaeontologists are fanning out over Teesside in search of the famed Boroborsoraus spine. It is believed to be a futile mission but team leader Jake Digfurit is determined to find and unearth these highly valued remains.
“We know it exists, there have been several fleeting sightings in recent years. In fact when Jack Charlton ruled the roost at Ayresome Park, it was clearly seen strutting up and down Linthorpe Road,” he said.
Allegedly, most of the palaeontologist team members think it’s a useless mission but are just hanging in for a huge payday as they dredge deep into the muddy depths.
Onlookers also questioned whether the fabled Boroborsoraus spine would ever be found.
One said: “It doesn’t exist any longer. In fact, there’s more spine in my four year old nipper. The neighbour asked him for a lick of his ice cream. In response, my boy chewed his knee off. That’s spine for you.”
Another passer by claimed to have seen it skulking down the A19 just before the sun rose. “I was taking the five year old bairn out for a ride on her Barbie bike, you know what kids are like, when this big pile of bones came crawling along the road.
“It nearly knocked her off her little pink bike - with stablisers. But did she cry? Did she hell. She squeaked, shook her little pink mitts at it and it scurried off pretty quickly.”
Digfurit said he was sure that he would track down the spine: “It’s out there somewhere. There have been fleeting glimpses, even as recent as a few days ago, and I’ll find it,” he said, whilst pissing into a force nine gale.
CORPSES AT THE FA
Brian Barwick, the FA’s CBB (Chief Billy Bunter) wobbled his jelly like chin this week and announced the extension of its equal opportunities policy to graveyards around the country.
“The FA has always been a forward looking employer and in keeping with our status as flag bearers of the noble game, we’ve decided to ensure the dead are equally represented on our employee roster.”
The move was greeted with howls of derision from around the country but Barwick’s triple jelly chin remained resolute, only quivering ever so slightly.
He added: “For years we have employed the brain dead, recently lobotomized and coma victims on our important committees and they’ve done a sterling job. As any football manager will tell you, you need to build on your successes and that’s exactly what we’re doing.”
Barfwick also maintained that the dead were equally capable of enforcing the FA’s selective judgement policy in which players from high profile clubs are treated dramatically differently to those from less fashionable outfits.
“The deceased are perfectly capable of handing out arbitary judgements. You only need to visit the House of Commons or the High Courts to see that there is one law for the high and mighty and another for the plebeian poor. We’re not about to deviate from this long standing age old tradition.”
FERGIE GUNS FOR REFS, LITERALLY
Man Ure manager Sir Alex Ferguson is seeking a hit squad to gun down referees who don’t agree with him. The move is believed to have the backing of the government and police.
Fergie is upset that referees have made decisions against his team. He fumed: “It’s a bloody disgrace, how can a referee, those insignificant little beetles, come to Old Trafford and make decisions against us? Don’t they know where they are? Bloody bollockly little jumped up upstarts.”
He ranted further: “They’ don’t do their job properly. We lose because they make decisions against us. It’s ridiculous. We do our job, they should do theirs. Don’t they know who I am? For f***s sake I’ve even had a beetroot named after me, uppissarsuss… or something like that."
The government and police force chiefs issued a joint statement agreeing with the Red Faced one: “This country is renowned for its sporting ethos and sense of fair play. We frown on any subversion of this sentiment and quite frankly, any referee who officiates a game in which Manchester United lose is clearly not doing their job properly.”
According to our sources, in order to distance Fergie from any possible repercussions, his intermediaries contacted infamous Bombay-based gangster Dawood Ibrahim to carry out the contract killings.
It was explained to Dawood that Ferguson was the UK equivalent of a Hindu diety and therefore it would be a great honour to slaughter, maim and decapitate referees in his name.
Dawood, however, turned down the lucrative contract. After being a shown a picture of Ferguson, Dawood is rumoured to have said: “This bunda (man) no God. He look like baboon’s arse. I bet he talk like arse, too. Lot’s of smelly wind?”
Boroscopes by Mystic Muggles
Stewart Downing – You recently made a sweeping decision to tie yourself down, to make a commitment for a long time. The stars reveal it’s something you’ll come to regret and that it will scar you forever – until the day you die… and beyond.
Afonso Alves – There will be much mickey taking because your name somehow sounds like Ponso. Take heart. Libra training Mercury suggests that there are others in a similar position. Do you know a Julio, or could that be Julie?
Gareth Southgate – Saturn in your ascendant reveals you are bearing a great responsibility for a group of overpaid malingerers. You may be in a managerial position. However, with Pluto now in Scorpio, it’s clear that you need to adopt a tough approach to get the most out of your charges. Boiling in oil can have wonderful benefits.
Steve Gibsey – Do you feel like you’re being taking for a ride by a nice, diplomatic employee who adopts a touchie-feely approach? If you think you are, be careful where and who, he’s feeling and touching. It could lead to the law courts.
Darren ‘everyman’ Wood – Neptune squaring hoary old Saturn, Pluto sinking in your ascendant and the moon rising in Scorpio suggests this past week has been a bit ruff tuff.
In fact, it’s fair to say that this period ranks with the one when the old man gave you a black eye when you spat out that Woodbine he’d thrust into your mouth to "make a man" out of you. You were five years old.
Later the same week you had to jack up vinegar for a ‘fish ’n’ chip’ rush because there was no food in the house. It was the next best thing. Yes, the stars suggest it’s been one of those weeks.
However, the planets are finally moving, indicating all is set to change. This will be a welcome relief as hope, optimism and faith gently breeze back into your life with the faint, sweet touch of a newly perfumed spring promising renewed vitality and vigorous life.
This will infuse you with a sense of joy and bliss and you’ll smile with easy charm at strangers and children playing in the park.
But it’ll be difficult to appreciate when you’re arrested for being a nonce and banged up in solitary confinement for your own protection.
RETURN TO THE LONG VIEW INDEX HERE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.00 ON THE FA CUP FINAL
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's FA Cup Final clash between Portsmouth and Cardiff, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.00, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time (ninety minutes), you will be at least £41.00 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final and we will collect £175.00 if Cardiff win, £171.24 if Portsmouth win and £170.00 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £84.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Cardiff at 5.00 (4/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Cardiff as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Cardiff.
Back Portsmouth with £84.00 at 1.78 (4/5) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on the draw at 3.44 (12/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on the draw.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £129.00 on the FA Cup Final. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Cardiff win, you collect £175.00. That's £150.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £171.24. That's £146.24 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw you collect £170.00. That's £145.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Cardiff match is a draw and you make £41.00 profit. However, if Cardiff win you make £46.00 and if Portsmouth win you make £42.24. That's a minimum profit of 31%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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