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THE LONG VIEW - THE DAILY SNORT 22-4-08
Steve Morley
THE DAILY SNORT
Going to dark scary places… and barfing up the truth
Big Fat Bloke tells Borolimia sufferers to seek help
A big fat gadge urged Boro supporters to seek help on Sunday after confessing that the misery of watching games had driven him to bang up smack on a twice daily basis – when he could afford it.
“I’m sure it was to do with all the stress. I wasn’t doing it all the time and there would be gaps of months, usually during the summer, when I wouldn’t do it.
“It started when we began showing signs of actually being quite a good team. Then invariably, when we played a crap team, we’d compete to see if we could be even crapper. And typically we were.”
The fat fella said that the only way he could face a game was by being off his head. “That’s why they shouldn’t let recovering addicts go to games, like they’re doing up the road. Christ they’ll end up banging up Ajax and Vim in desperation. And don’t bring them down here, they’ll be snorting cement dust at half time.”
Fat man’s doctor, Mr Twinkle, said: “It’s hugely brave and courageous for Tub of Lard over there to come out and admit he was a Borolimia sufferer. This carries the highest death rate of any mental illness in the land. Yes, it’s that bad.”
Oprah to Save Scouse Scallies from ‘Disaster’
Liverpool FC have asked US TV celebrity Oprah Winfrey to try and patch up the ongoing dispute between its board members by encouraging them to ‘speak openly’ and ‘forgivingly embrace each other’s faults.’
A spokesman said feelings have been running high.
“Tom Hicks was really upset because George Gillett wouldn’t ever do the washing up and always farts in bed. However, the final straw came when he discovered Rick Parry’s underwear wrapped around a boardroom electrical socket underneath George’s chair.
“Tom accused George of having an affair with Rick. But George said his feelings were really hurt after Tom had spent so much money on Fernandez and all he was trying to do was get his own back.
“Then Rick said he had always really fancied Tom and that by having a fling with George he thought he would be able to get closer to Tom.
"Rick then added that Tom was giving him signals by winking at him when he was bending over to fill the water bowl that belongs to the club mascot.
"It might be too late with Tom publicly declaring Rick to be a disaster… but in reality, he really likes him, he’s just jealous.
"But, the situation is complicated because George’s son Foster has also been seen in the company of Rick and Tom, holding hands in McDonalds.
"This has led to an army of spurned lovers emerging from the shadows and threatening George with death!”
Oprah believes the situation can be resolved: “It’s nothing I ain’t seen before. But I do have one concern. George, Rick and Tom have all been seen - on separate occasions - mingling with Rafa, Stevie, Fernandez and others in the steam-filled dressing room. What’s all that about then?”
Foetus’ to be Added to Squad
Middlesbrough manager, Gareth Southgate said today he doesn’t anticipate major changes to next season’s squad other than the inclusion of several foetuses which have come up through the club’s famed youth ranks.
“We’ve been carefully cultivating some precocious talent for several months now and we believe that by next season they will be able to wibble and wobble without our support.”
“However, making the jump to the first team is a, er, huge slither and I would ask the fans to be understanding and patient. First of all our little foetuses need to develop really thick skins.
“I’m holding up our former prime minister, Tony Blair, as an example,” said the urbane and intelligent manager, adding, “You’ll recall Blair helped start a fire in the Middle East that’s still burning up the region. He then took a job as envoy for peace in the Middle East.
“Once our foetuses have cultivated this level of rhino hide you’ll really see the best of them. But in the meantime I’m asking the fans to get right behind them and give them a big warm hand. But not literally, we don’t want to squash this burgeoning talent.”
The Shocking Truth Uncovered
In a startling series of earth shattering revelations, The Institute of Notmuchelsetodo has revealed that young ‘blokes’ take risks and the best football teams tend to win.
“It’s truly amazing. We discovered that if you put a bunch of geezers in a large stock trading environment, tell them that they are defined by what they earn and give them the opportunity to make lots of money, they will, *gasp*… take risks! Incredible!!
“We also learnt that those football teams with the best players are likely to win more games. This revolutionary discovery was unearthed by simply watching a number of football games very closely.
“Of course these findings have huge implications for the future wellbeing of society. For example, those teams that want to win all the time really need the best players and those institutions that don’t want to lose lots of money need to reduce risks. Fantastic discovery. Life changing. Gosh.”
V.R.I. Grey, a civil servant responsible for funding The Institute of Notmuchelsetodo says he has arranged for its staff to now explore the six mile deep Crater Crevice in the Atlantic Ocean.
“We believe they can best serve the public interest by exploring this deep, dark and breathtakingly scary environment which few people have ever survived *snigger, snigger*.”
Rampant Mutant Potato tries it on with Melon
The recent furore between church and state about the ethical implications of creating hybrid animal/human embryos is too late, says Hoss Winkler, a leading Argentinean doctor.
Winkler, the son of infamous Vossisviz Winkler, a mad evil doctor Nazi refugee who fled the Third Reich at the end of the Second World War, claims that these aberrations are already living and breathing among us.
“You vood be surprized. My fater alvedy created zuch monsters. He take ze cellz of potatoe and mix zem wiv ze human cellz. Itz create very fierze and vild creature and itz libido is zo… Mein Gotterdamung… dangeruz.
“It try to make ze luv to a melon and zen to ze potatoes. Zen it do norti zings wiv itz thing… it wave it in front of ze guestz, it spitz and zay very rudie zings. It frighten me, zo I let it go.”
“Zen, one day I very zhocked to see it on ze TV. I votch ze Englizh channel and zer it iz playing ze fussball… wiv new name too, er… how you sayz… Vayne Vooney. You must inform yor government… itz iz very… Mein Gott… maybe itz too late… iz it breeding?”
Boroscopes by Mystic Muggles
Gareth Southgate – thanks to communicative Mercury and libidinous Venus, lots of people have been saying very nice things about you. It’s very flattering and no doubt encouraging. But watch out. As soon as you step around that corner you’ll get whacked over the head with a baseball bat.
Gary O’Neil – Saturn says it’s time for a rest, a long rest, an impressively lengthy lay off. The stars are also saying that as a result, you’re due a visit from a friend who will come bearing gifts - a Nintendo Wii and sacks and sacks and sacks full of Egyptian deep fried breads and sweets, perhaps?
Alex ‘everyman’ Boyt – This is the week when everything is really up and down for you.
It starts off as a fairly mundane week. For example, you may end up hanging around bus stops so you can get some big fat dog ends. You may find yourself watching people on the other side of the road and thinking to yourself how nice and clean they look. You may even find yourself looking for your reflection in that top of the range stainless steel kitchen cutlery you bought last week.
But then these humdrum events are set to act as a catalyst for what will become an incident packed, exciting few days.
Before you know what’s happened you’ll be feted as an impossibly complex figure. You may even already be thinking of yourself as a messiah of sorts.
Scores of people will be clamouring at your door just to get a glimpse of you. There’s even a chance that TV documentary crews and tabloid editors will be vying with Hollywood directors for your attentions.
But whether you can meet their demands will be down to the prison governor. How many times have you been told not to listen to the voices?
RETURN TO THE LONG VIEW INDEX HERE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.00 ON THE FA CUP FINAL
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