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MIDDLESBROUGH v BLACKBURN TALE OF THE TAPE 10-8-07
James Bassett
Middlesbrough v Blackburn
Or...
The Battle Of Who Could Care Less
Tale of the Tape has been accused of a lot of things: shameless inaccuracy, rank unfunniness and the theft of local livestock, to name but three.
But while it would be unrealistic to expect either of the latter two charges to change anytime soon, your new ring announcer is determined to address complaints about Tale of the Tape's unerring erroneousness.
With that in mind, witness the brand new, totally fact-packed Tale of the Tape.
Oh, and since we've already snuck in one Ben Folds Five reference, it's fair to say that indie jokes that only five people get should rise by around 600 per cent (if only there were five people who read this feature - Ed).
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Mark Schwarzer v Brad Friedel
After spending his summer getting beaten by international football powerhouses like Iraq and Japan, Mark Schwarzer has decided he doesn't want to play for Boro anymore. Brad Friedel, meanwhile, has the honour of being the only good player that Graeme Souness has ever signed in his entire managerial career.
Between the two of them, they have a bald spot with a fifteen inch radius.
Skippy 8 - Friedel 8
Luke Young v Andre Ooijer
Luke Young is a former baby, with a name that, if reversed, might be what C-3PO would call him.
Lining up at right-back for Blackburn is Andre Ooijer: a 33-year-old biped with a silly name.
Young 7 - Ooijer 6
Andrew Davies v Christopher Samba
Congolese centre-half Christopher Samba is 194cm tall, which makes him 1,806 centimetres shorter than the Angel of the North.
Coincidentally, Andrew Davies is exactly as mobile as the Tyneside eyesore.
Dava 5 - Samba 7
David Wheater v Ryan Nelson
Ryan Nelson graduated from Stanford University and was named MVP in his first year and an NSCAA All-American in his senior year. Tale of the Tape isn't sure what any of this means, but we do know that Nelson hails from New Zealand, so his inclination to be a bloody nutter should not be underestimated.
David Wheater is a 20-year-old omnivore.
Wheater 6 - Nelson 8
Andrew Taylor v Stephen Warnock
The battle of the left-backs is too close to call. While both players are former seventeen-year-olds, there are 564 people on Facebook called Andrew Taylor and only four people called Stephen Warnock. Tale of the Tape sees this as a sign that the Boro boy has the slight edge.
Taylor 8 - Warnock 7
Tuncay Sanli v David Bentley
Having sat out the Under-21 European Championships, David Bentley should be fresh as daisies. Of course, Mark Hughes might not want him getting tired, so there's no guarantee Bentley will play in this game either. Tale of the Tape predicts that Bentley will instead be held tightly at the former Wales boss' bosom, while wrapped in the official Blackburn Rovers swaddling cloth.
If Youtube is anything to go by, Tuncay Sanli is actually quite good, and Tale of the Tape is going to get firmly behind him until we see proof that he's actually crap (see, Gook Dong Lee).
Brave Heart 10 - Bentley 7
George Boateng v Aaron Mokoena
Boateng was in craptacular form last season, which he blamed on an injury inflicted when he tried to kick Freddie Ljunberg up in the air at the Emirates. But seeing as every other senior player is crocked, sold or disaffected, the Boat should have no problem keeping the captain's armband for the entire season.
Tale of the Tape isn't sure who Aaron Mokoena is, but according to his entry on Wikipedia, his nickname is The Axe, which spells almost certain doom for Jeremie Aliadiere's fragile ankles.
Bwahteng 6 - Mokoena 6
Julio Arca v Robbie Savage
Having had a very impressive first season at The Riverside, Julio Arca spent the summer testing Tale of the Tape's love for him by growing his hair and trying out deviant facial hair patterns.
Speaking of silly hair, most people think Robbie Savage is a cunt.
Arca 9 - Savage 7
Stewart Downing v Morten Gamst Pedersen
With Gareth Southgate showing an apparent distrust in any players who score goals, Stewart Downing needs to be careful he doesn't improve on last season's pathetic goal tally of two. To put that into perspective, that's one fewer than David Wheater managed last season.
Morten Gamst Pedersen, we're often told by Sky commentators who like to compare everything to soccer's most marketable player, is Norway's answer to David Beckham. Except, of course, Gamst Pedersen is capable of kicking the ball with his left foot, and isn't married to a rancid skeleton that has slept with Dane Bowers.
DJ Downing 7 - Pedersen 9
Yakubu v Benni McCarthy
Benni McCarthy is, to Tale of the Tape's knowledge, the only Premiership-bound footballer to have ever had a work permit request appeal denied. Had it not been declined, Boro might not have to rely on their African centre-forward taking penalties to score more than five goals a season.
Yakubu, of course, is the Nigerian lumberer who is so good they named him once.
It could be the Yak's last game for the Boro. Let's hope his final performance is better than his first (a 0-0 draw against Liverpool, where he was involved to such an extent that he was eventually replaced by virtuoso goal-scoring machine Matthew Bates).
Yak 7 - McCarthy 9
Jeremie Aliadiere v Roque Santa Cruz
And so it's come to this... Mark Viduka and, in all likelihood, Yakubu, have been replaced by.... Jeremie Aliadiere.
The perma-knacked Frenchman, who managed seven league starts in eight seasons at Arsenal, takes over the number 11 shirt. Last worn by.. Malcolm Christie.
Oh. Dear. God.
Roque Santa Cruz is the most handsome man to ever play in the Premiership. Our German friends assure us he's pretty shit though.
Jezza 6 - Penelope 6
Summary
Boro 79 - Rovers 80
Boro's last home win against Blackburn was in February 2005, when former Arsenal player Ray Parlour made Boro's task immeasurably easier by getting himself sent off. Unfortunately, Jeremie Aliadiere is more likely to break his own leg than anyone else's, so there's no particular danger of history repeating itself.
Boro also had Michael Reiziger, Malcolm Christie and Joseph-Desire Job in the starting line-up that day.
See, it could be worse.
Prediction: Honours even at La Riv.
RETURN TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX PAGE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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