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WIGAN v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 15-8-07
James Bassett
Or
The Triumphs And Travails Of Jeremie Aliadiere
Boro live on Sky means one of three things: we draw with Arsenal or Liverpool, get cheated out of victory against Manchester United by some cowardly refereeing, or we get hammered by a Championship-bound outfit. Tale of the Tape will let you decide which one it is going to be tonight.
So, in our best Richard Keys impression: It's Wigan. It's Boro. And it's LIVE after the break.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Chris Kirkland v Mark Schwarzer
Gareth Southgate is considering grafting a third arm onto Mark Schwarzer to give the big Aussie extra confidence at claiming the kind of crosses that Penelope Santa Cruz scored from on Saturday. Most news journals have not covered this story, preferring rather to concentrate on the fact that Middlesbrough only attracted seventeen fans to the Riverside last weekend.
In the time it's taken to write the nonsense you've just read, Chris Kirkland has succumbed to thirteen injuries.
Kirkland 6 - Skippy 8
Mario Melchiot v Andrew Davies
Wigan's captain, Mario Melchiot, and his Rastafarian hair, will have to channel all of Haile Selassie's power if he's to stand any chance of leading his team to victory.
Andrew Davies' hair couldn't look any more ridiculous if he copied Melchiot.
Melchiot 7 - Davies 5
Titus Bramble v Chris Riggott
TotT can't help but feel sorry for Chris Riggott. He rarely puts a foot wrong, but the form of Emanuel Pogatetz and the purchases of Johnny Woodgate and Robert Huth have seen him slip down the pecking order.
On the other hand, Titus Bramble, despite being one of the worst players to ever play in the Premiership, has managed to convince Chris Hutchings that he's the man to help Wigan avoid relegation.
The answer might lie in his Empirical first-name. And perhaps Chris Riggott should try the same trick. Maximus Augustus Riggott should see him back in the first-team in no time.
At least until Quintus Lucius Huth returns to fitness.
Bramble 3 - Riggott 7
Andreas Granqvist v David Wheater
David Wheater is fast becoming a TotT favourite. He's big, strong, uncompromising, a little bit clumsy and, most of all, absolutely deadly in the air. In fact, as soon as we've finished this sentence, we're going to put a cheeky tenner on him being Boro's top scorer this season.
A brief perusal of Andreas Granqvist's Wikipedia entry tells us that he is generally considered to be one of the most talented Swedish central defenders. Why he's ended up at Wigan then, Tale of the Tape has no idea.
Granqvist 6 - Wheater 8
Kevin Kilbane v Andrew Taylor
Don't get TotT wrong, we love Andrew Taylor, but he's not the most exciting player in the world, so we're going to continue to judge him based on his Facebook presence. There are nearly 600 people called Andrew Taylor on there and one of them must be the Boro full-back.
Kevin Kilbane definitely does have a Facebook page, but he only has three friends.
Pathetic, Kilbane.
Taylor wins this one.
Kilbane 7 - Taylor 8
Antonio Valencia v Tuncay Sanli
Tuncay Sanli will be pleased to know that he has joined the likes of Szilard Nemeth, Dean Windass, Christian Ziege and James Morrison as players whose names Tale of the Tape has decided to have printed on our Boro shirt. Despite history pointing to the contrary, we still believe that Tuncay is going to be a very good player.
Valencia's real name is Luis Antonio Valencia Mosquera. We'd find something funny to say about that if we weren't preoccupied with the £60 we just lashed out on the new piece of Garmin-emblazoned toot.
Valencia 8 - Brave Heart 10
Paul Scharner v George Boateng
With a sexy new midfield that actually attacks, the onus, especially away from home, is on George Boateng to pass the ball sideways and backwards - which shouldn't be too much of a radical departure from his regular MO - and to win the ball back from Wigan's midfield without getting himself sent off - which might be a problem.
TotT likes the sound of Scharner. Like Emanuel Pogatetz, Scharner has fallen out with the Austrian FA, branding them a 'shambles'. Unlike Emanuel Pogatetz, though, Scharner will play in this game.
Scharner 8 - Bwahteng 6
Denny Landzaat v Julio Arca
Detecting Gareth Southgate's unreasonable and unfathomable faith in Fabio Rochemback, Julio Arca has decided to start wearing a hairband. He has two games to reconsider this position, or we'll cut his regulation nine down to a six.
Denny Landzaat doesn't wear a hairband, but probably could do with some sort of metrosexual prop to disguise the fact that he isn't that good. TotT recommends a Dunhill Mulsanne 48-hour bag.
Landzaat 7 - Arca 9
Jason Koumas v Stewart Downing
After Saturday's loss to Blackburn, DJ Downing was letting off some steam on the wheels of steel at The Purple Onion, rounding off his set with a trademark 26-minute remix of Follow The Leader by Eric B & Rakim, when who should walk in accompanied by his 18-strong entourage, than Wigan Athletics' Jason Koumas.
"Oi Downing," Koumas shouted, "What the fuck is this shit? Get that bollocks off and let's have some Fedde Le Grand."
Over the PA, DJ Downing shouted back, "DJ Downing doesn't do requests, you West Brom fuck," leading one of Koumas' heavies to throw a vodka and orange at the DJ booth.
Thankfully, Downing's record collection was unharmed.
This one could get ugly.
Koumas 6 - DJ Downing 8
Emile Heskey v Yakubu
Against Blackburn, Yakubu put in just the kind of performance TotT would expect from a brazenly wantaway blob. That said, in four league games since Wigan returned to the top flight, Yakubu has scored twice.
Emile Heskey, hasn't, to the best of TotT's knowledge, ever scored a goal.
Heskey 5 - Yak 7
Antoine Sibierski v Jeremie Aliadiere
A couple more hard-working, lively performances like the one against Blackburn and TotT might owe Jeremie Aliadiere an apology.
Until then, though, we'll look enviously on at Wigan's summer signing of Antoine Sibierski - fantastic in the air, good on the ground, strong enough to hold up the ball, intelligent enough to link up play.
The shabby treatment afforded to Cattermole and Mendieta is proof that Southgate has a distrust of baldies, but Sibierski could easily have worn a wig to his Rockcliffe medical.
Sibierski 8 - Jezza 6
Summary
Wigan 71 - Boro 82
There's no shame in losing to Everton and Blackburn, but both teams will feel that they need to win this one to ease some early jitters.
Boro will.
Just.
Prediction: Boro win by a goal.
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