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FULHAM v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 17-8-07
James Bassett
Or
Stuck In The Mido With You
London calling to the Middlesbrough clowns, they'd better improve or the team will go down.
London calling to the banners unfurled, come down to the Cottage, you boys and girls.
London calling, now don't look at us, our phoney Nigerian has bitten the dust.
London calling, see we ain't got no swing, 'cept for the Turkish bloke who plays right-wing.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Tony Warner v Mark Schwarzer
TotT is beginning to wonder if Skips has had his day. He barely moved for Penelope Santa Cruz's header on the opening day of the season and spilled a pretty tame Valencia shot on Wednesday that led to Donkey Davies kneeing the ball over his own goal-line.
Still, Skippy's calamities are nothing compared to Tony Warner's, who dropped an absolute clanger against Bolton.
Unlike Skippy, though, Warner's team won.
Warner 6 - Skippy 7
Chris Baird v Luke Young
After Donkey Davies put in one of the all-time worst performances by any sportsman competing in any discipline ever on Wednesday, Luke Young, who we're informed is currently nursing an entire body cast, will be rushed into first-team action. Even in his injured state, he can't be any worse.
Chris Baird must do something to warrant a place in the first-team ahead of the excellent Liam Rosenior, but TotT has no idea what it is. Ah, we've just realised he's from Northern Ireland.
Figures..
Baird 5 - Young 8
Carlos Bocanegra v David Wheater
Carlos Bocanegra, unlike every other player in the Fulham team, isn't from Northern Ireland. He was also Fulham's second top-scorer with five goals last season.
We may scoff, but it's looking increasingly likely that auxiliary striker David Wheater is likely to top Boro's scoring charts this season.
With three goals or less.
Probably.
Bocanegra 7 - Wheater 8
Zat Knight v Chris Riggott
Zat Knight was transferred to Fulham at a cost of thirty tracksuits, which was probably twenty-nine tracksuits too many.
Dapper Chris Riggott wouldn't be seen dead in a tracksuit. Expect to see him strutting out in Fulham's Elk Bar on Saturday night in a three-piece grey pinstripe Gieves & Hawkes suit.
Knight 5 - Riggott 6
Paul Konchesky v Andrew Taylor
TotT is sad to admit that we've finally given up looking for Andrew Taylor's Facebook page.
However, that didn't stop us looking for the presence of Fulham's left back.
Like Taylor, Paul Konchesky doesn't have a Facebook page, but there are two groups devoted to him: The Paul Konchesky Appreciation Society, and, more interestingly to TotT, Paul Konchesky Is A Bitter Cunt.
We're backing to Taylor to edge this one.
Konchesky 7 - Taylor 8
Simon Davies v Tuncay Sanli
Tale of the Tape was amazed to learn that, despite doing nothing of note in his decade-long football career, Simon Davies still manages to obtain a first-team berth at a Premier League club.
Middlesbrough, of course, have a curly-haired do-nothing midfielder too, but thankfully he's still suspended.
Speaking of bad haircuts, Tuncay Sanli was the only Boro player to play well against Wigan. Mystifyingly, Southgate took that as a sign that he should be substituted.
We're also assured that Tuncay scored a goal every three games in Turkey. This is his third game...
Let's have it, Brave Heart.
Davies 7 - Brave Heart 10
Alexei Smertin v George Boateng
TotT was pleased to see captain Boateng rallying the troops during Wednesday's fiasco at Wigan. Nearly as pleased as we were to have taken a fistful of mind-altering drugs during Wednesday afternoon.
Alexei Smertin is the captain of Russia, which presumably means he knows something about giving the ball away and not offering any motivation to his team-mates.
Smertin 7 - The Boat 6
Steve Davis v Julio Arca
Arca has two more games to remove his ridiculous hairband before TotT starts docking him points. He also had a bit of shitter on Wednesday, but remains the only Boro player to acknowledge that attack and defence need to be linked together in some way.
Steve Davis used to play snooker and is famous for being boring.
Davis 7 - Arca 9
Hameur Bouazza v Stewart Downing
DJ Downing sees Saturday's jaunt to that London as a chance to try to expand his deep funk and rare groove record collection in some of the capital's finest record shops. Expect his left-flank runs to be tempered by the Phonica and Blackmarket Records bags that he's carrying.
Incidentally, Hameur Bouazza's favourite rare groove record is God Made Me Funky by The Headhunters.
Bouazza 7 - DJ Downing 8
David Healy v Mido
The Egyptian revolution begins here. Ahmed Hossam Hussein Abdelhamid is the first Egyptian to join Gareth Southgate's side and will, apparently, be followed shortly by Emad Moteab and Mohammed Shawky.
Now, ignoring all evidence to the contrary (rubbish goal-scoring record, Andrew Davies levels of ineptitude last season for Spurs, a track record of falling out with coaches and team-mates..) TotT is quite excited by what Mido might offer Middlesbrough.
That said, Southgate will probably replace him with Lee Cattermole after fifty-five minutes.
David Healy, alongside Michael Chopra, Antoine Sibierski, Obafemi Martins and Benjani Mwaruwari is currently the Premiership's top scorer. A ridiculous state of affairs, since they're all shit.
Healy 6 v Mido 8
Brian McBride v Jeremie Aliadiere
Jeremie Aliadiere, it's quickly becoming apparent, is a trier. He runs quickly and often, but has yet to quite fit in with the rest of the team. That said, we're banking on him breaking his duck here with a hat-trick of goals from Mido knock-downs.
Super-duper Denton psych rockers, Midlake wrote a song called Young Bride, which is considerably better than Brian McBride.
McBride 7 - Jezza 6
Summary
Fulham 71 - Boro 84
After Wednesday's shit show, Southgate will send the boys out with one short message: ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!
It'll work too, as the charge towards a top-six finish starts here.
Or is TotT in de-nile.
HONK!
Prediction: Boro are rampant and run out 4-1 winners.
RETURN TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX PAGE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
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Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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