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MIDDLESBROUGH v NEWCASTLE TALE OF THE TAPE 24-8-07
James Bassett
Or
Yakubu's Gone To Everton
There was a guy
An overweight guy who scored penalties
Got transferred for eleven million pounds
From Teesside to the Mersey
Yakubu's gone to Everton
ROCK ME, JOE!
Mark Schwarzer v Steve Harper
TotT had wondered why the club had decided to suit Skippy up in one of the most revoltingly lurid goalkeeping ensembles of the 21st Century, when it all became clear what its purpose was: to distract linesmen from spotting when the ball has crossed the line. Well done, then, to whichever member of the Errea design team that came up with that canary yellow piece of crap.
Speaking of pieces of crap.. No, we jest, Steve Harper's quite good.
Skippy 8 - Harper 7
Andrew Davies v Steven Carr
Realising that he was harnessing a reputation for being the worst Boro player to ever shit between two feet, Andrew Davies made up for it by crocking Fulham's dangerous Hameur Bouazza last Saturday. If he can do the same to a Newcastle player on Sunday, TotT's opinion of him will continue to grow.
No point injuring Newcastle's left-back though. Even Steven Carr can't remember when he was any good.
Davies 5 - Carr 5
Chris Riggott v Steven Taylor
Why is everybody in the Newcastle squad called Steven? Taylor is certainly the best of the bunch, but he has a reputation for feigning injury to disguise blatant handballs in the 18-yard-box. Should he be unsuccessful on Sunday and Boro receive a penalty, the confusion over who should take it could result in a delay that would see the game abandoned.
To continue a theme, if Riggott is five, then Mad Dog is six and if Mad Dog is six, then the Boat is seven. But whatever happens, Riggott won't be Boro's new penalty taker.
Riggott 7 - Taylor 8
David Wheater v David Rozenhal
By adding a nifty bicycle-kick against Fulham to his repertoire, David Wheater has all but assured himself of becoming TotT's new favourite academy graduate, and we still think our tenner on him to be Boro's top scorer this season looks remarkably good value at 450-1.
David Rozenhal made his professional debut for Sigma Olomouc, which TotT assumes is some sort of weird fraternity house, where new members are hazed by having a picture of Minnie Mouse branded onto their arse.
He hasn't really progressed since, has he?
Wheater 8 - Rozenhal 8
Andrew Taylor v Charles N'Zogbia
As much as Andrew Taylor continues to impress on the pitch, he continues to suck the life out of this column. With a criminally unfunny Wikipedia page and no evidence of a presence on MySpace or Facebook, we can only share with you this titbit: TotT thinks that Andrew Taylor's favourite Pixies song is Crackity Jones.
We're equally sure that Charles N'Zogbia prefers La La Love You.
Taylor 7 - N'Zogbia 7
Tuncay Sanli v Alan Smith
Surely it's not over already for Tuncay? Subbed at half-time against Fulham, we've still yet to see any of the excellence that Makingaveragefootballerslookgoodtube suggests our Turkish guy can provide.
One player that not even Youtube can make look good is Alan Smith, whose career highlights include him kissing the badge of whichever team he happens to be underperforming for at the time.
Brave Heart 8 - Smudger 7
George Boateng v Nicky Butt
If George Boateng were English and ginger, he'd be Nicky Butt.
If Nicky Butt were Dutch and black, he'd be George Boateng.
Boat 7 - Butt 7
Julio Arca v Geremi
The hairband remains, so we're docking Arca a point. Plus, he was at fault for Brian McBride's opener last week.
A long time before Julio Arca turned up in the Boro midfield with remarkable composure, great vision and an unwillingness to defend properly, Geremi fulfilled that role.
Arca 8 - Geremi 8
Stewart Downing v James Milner
After Boro's fortunate win over Fulham, DJ Downing got the party started on the team bus with a 40-minute medley of Velouria, Debaser, Wave Of Mutilation, Bone Machine, Gigantic, Planet Of Sound and a selection of other Pixies classics.
Word of Downing's turntable heroics made it to Milner, who wrote on his blog that he thought Downing had disappeared up his own arse and needs to get back to his funky house roots.
DJ Downing 7 - Milner 8
Mido v Mark Viduka
Now, we don't know for sure that Mark Viduka's going to play. Apparently he's a bit tired. Presumably because the thought of coming back to The Riverside and being booed a bit is keeping him awake at night.
Mido doesn't sleep. Cos sleep is the cousin of death.
Mido 10 - Viduka 7
Jeremie Aliadiere v Obafemi Martins
Aliadiere set up Cattermole's winner against Fulham, and is quickly proving his worth to the side with his pace and movement. He should, however, have scored his one-on-one with hapless Tony Warner, but we're sure the boy's confidence will come back once he finds the Teesside equivalent of former squeeze Leilani. Bosomy ladies of Middlesbrough, you know what you have to do.
Speaking of girls, Obafemi Martins claimed to have been car-jacked during the summer, which later turned out to be a fib. According to Nigerian police, who TotT will admit are not always totally trustworthy, Martins lied about the incident to avoid international duty. Which is an excuse somewhere up there with the dog flushed my homework down the toilet and then raped me with a truncheon wrapped in the number 20 shirt of a fat and rubbish Nigerian footballer who only scores penalties.
Jezza 7 - Martins 8
Summary
Boro 82 - Skunks 80
As long as Shola Ameobi doesn't get a game, Boro should be fine.
Prediction: Mido grabs a double on his home debut, as Boro run out 2-1 winners.
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