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MIDDLESBROUGH v BIRMINGHAM CITY TALE OF THE TAPE 1-9-07
James Bassett
Or
Flip The Script
This is the last Tale of the Tape before the transfer window SENSATIONALLY SLAMS SHUT at MIDNIGHT and clubs are forced to field the shit players they spent the summer accumulating until the transfer window SENSATIONALLY RE-OPENS in January.
At the time of writing Middlesbrough have allowed Jason Euell to sign for Southampton and are set to sign Giorgios Samaras, Mohammed Shawky, Alessandro Pistone, Darren Fletcher, Gary O'Neill and will SENSATIONALLY SWOOP for a year-long loan deal for AC Milan's Alexandre Pato.
LET'S GET READY TO SENSATIONALLY RUMBLE!
Mark Schwarzer v Maik Taylor
Mark 'Sensational' Schwarzer doesn't really have to make saves now that David Wheater plays in front of him, which means that, if his non-efforts against Roque Santa Cruz and Mark Viduka are anything to go by, he's pretty much forgotten how to on the rare occasions he is called into action.
Still, it could be worse. Maik Taylor can't spell his first name properly.
Skippy 7 - Taylor 6
Luke Young v Stuart Parnaby
After just one first-team appearance, Luke Young captained the side to victory against Northampton Town on Wednesday night.
Stuart Parnaby, meanwhile, played 1,018 games for Middlesbrough but the only armband he ever got to wear was when his old man took him to the David Lloyd centre for some swimming lessons.
Young 8 - Super Stu 8
David Wheater v Raidi Jaidi
Short-lived joke-gangster pop band Fun Lovin' Criminals wrote a song about the Birmingham centre-half. At least TotT is fairly certain that the band's 1997 top-30 hit, King Of New York, had some lyrics about Raidi Jaidi.
Dapper David Wheater has the same taste in Armani suits and Donna Karan loafers as Huey of Fun Lovin' Criminals, but unlike Huey, Wheater hasn't slept with Cat Deeley. Not through lack of effort on her part though we assume. He's a stud.
Wheater 10 - The King of New York 8
Jonathan Woodgate v Liam Ridgewell
Even if he wasn't playing against Jonathan Woodgate, Liam Ridgewell would look rubbish.
Woody 8 - Ridgewell 6
Andrew Taylor v Stephen Kelly
If Andrew Taylor gets one look at Stephen Kelly's Wikipedia entry, he'll be full of confidence.
At Spurs, Kelly was understudy to the rubbish Stephen Carr and then the even more rubbish Paul Stalteri. He's also in a long-term relationship with a girl called Helga.
Helga?
Taylor 8 - Kelly 6
George Boateng v Olivier Kapo
The latest in a long line of Boro players who aren't any good on the right-flank but play there anyway has grown by one with the addition of George Boateng. It's a tactic that would ordinarily mean that all Boro's attacking threat is carried down the left, but since Stewart Downing forgot how to cross the ball sometime in 2005, it puts the onus more on Rocky and Arca.
Olivier Kapo's real name is Narcisse-Olivier Kapo-Obou, which, unlike the rest of this column, is very funny.
The Boat 7 - Kapo 7
Fabio Rochemback v Fabrice Muamba
Is Rochemback the new Pogatetz? He's been shockingly bad in his first two seasons - a couple of decent European games and the 3-0 thumping of Chelsea aside - but alongside Arca he has added a composure and creativity to central midfield. And after 8,752 attempts he connected well with a freekick on Wednesday night.
Fabrice Muamba, despite sounding French and being born in the DR Congo has played for England's Under-21 side. With every midfielder pulling out of England's game with Israel, he may yet get a game for the senior side.
Rocky 8 - Muamba 8
Julio Arca v Sebastian Larsson
If Arca copied the hairband off Rochemback then it seems that Rochemback has copied the ability to play football off Arca and we finally have a central midfield pairing that looks like it can attack.
Sebastian Larsson used to play for Arsenal. If our own ex-Arsenal player is anything to go by, Larsson will run tirelessly and quickly but provide little threat.
Arca 8 - Larsson 7
Stewart Downing v Gary McSheffrey
We had such high hopes for McSheffrey that we put him in our fantasy football team. However, he's blatantly not up to standard so we need to find a replacement.
Speaking of replacements, DJ Downing played a garage punk set at The Purple Onion on Thursday night. While the crowd were largely silent for the Hüsker Dü and Meat Puppets tracks, they went absolutely berserk for Bastards Of Young and Gary's Got A Boner.
DJ Downing 8 - McSheffrey 6
Mido v Cameron Jerome
It turns out that Mido is a bit of a genius. Not only has he scored two goals in two starts, he also managed to get a large portion of Newcastle's travelling support to show themselves up as racist pricks in front of a national television audience during last Sunday's game.
Here's a little-known fact for you: Cameron Jerome used to play for Middlesbrough.
Mido 10 - Jerome 6
Tuncay Sanli v Mikael Forssell
Now that Lee Dong Gook has scored more goals than Tuncay, our Turkish superstar will surely give himself a kick up the arse on Saturday. TotT boldly predicts that this will be his game and he'll score at least two.
Mikael Forssell scored Birmingham's first goal of the season, but probably won't score again all season.
Brave Heart 7 - Forssell 6
Summary
Boro 89 - Brum 74
The arrival of Mido has changed everything. Boro are now certain League and FA Cup winners and will probably finish in the top-four.
Prediction: Without Jason Euell holding us back, Boro win 3-0.
RETURN TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX PAGE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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