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EVERTON v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 28-9-07
James Bassett
Or...
The Men Are Called Horsemen There
This playing good football business isn't that easy, as the fact that Boro haven't won in three games would attest. We might be playing some of the nicest passing football outside of North London, but defeats against troubled Spurs and disorganised West Ham, and a ridiculous draw at home to the Mackems suggests Southgate might need to rethink his attractive attacking football mantra.
"Nonsense", says Tale of the Tape. By playing nice football, we're doing something that seventeen teams in the division don't do and it's hardly like we've been accustomed to winning in the capital over the years even when we've played gutter football. No, Southgate must be as bold as his brown brogues would suggest he is and keep his team passing and moving and eventually the wins will come.
Starting, we hope, at The Yak's new enclosure, Goodison Park.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Stefan Wessels v Mark Schwarzer
TotT can't believe its rotten luck. All season we've waited for Boro to come up against Tim Howard so we can mock the poor man's tourette's afflication by inserting loads of juvenile and puerile swearing into a sentence, and it turns out that he's not even playing. Stefan Wessels name screams comic potential, but there's no consoling TotT now.
Brad Jones delivered his best performance for the club on Wednesday night, but Schwarzer should cruise back into the first-team, a selection situation which might explain his sub-standard performances so far this season.
Wessels 6 - Schwarzer 6
Tony Hibbert v Luke Young
TotT can't help but sense that we're going to start seeing the best of Luke Young now that Gary O'Neil has made it into the first team. We're fans of The Boat, but recognise that it's tough for a full-back to play behind a midfielder who isn't naturally suited to playing wide.
As TotT recovers from that uncanny bout of sensible tactical gesturing, we have to write something about Tony Hibbert, when all we know about him is that his hairline rivals David Wheater's in the race for chromedomium.
Hibbo 6 - Young 7
Joseph Yobo v David Wheater
After Boro's run of no wins in three, Dapper David Wheater cheered himself up with a spot of shopping in the capital this morning before he headed back to training. Unfortunately, nobody told him that the shops around Seven Sisters are absolutely shocking, so instead of going home with three Hardy Amies suits like he'd intended, he went home with a £3.99 pair of tracksuit bottoms, an ugly, cigarette-stained rug and a bag of chips.
Yobo schmobo. Nobody's better than Wheater.
Yobo 8 - Wheater 10
Joleon Lescott v Jonathan Woodgate
Johnny Woodgate, who hasn't quite reached his best form this season, comes up against a man with ivory skin and eyes of emerald green, a smile like a breath of spring, and a voice like summer rain.
Will Woodgate be able to compete with him?
We'll see.
Jolene Jolene Jolene Jolene 9 - Woodgate 8
Leighton Baines v Andrew Taylor
Oh goodie.
This week, Boro's most charismatic player 2006-2007 comes up against the bloke who is keeping him out of the England Under-21s first-team.
Should some sort of injury befall Baines, it would obviously be to Taylor's benefit, so expect the Boro left-back to take to the pitch with a Wile E. Coyote-esque Acme box, containing an anvil, some rocket shoes, a catapult, a cannon, a trampoline and some explosives.
Baines 7 - Taylor 7
Steven Pienaar v Gary O'Neil
So, after 131 years and recent experiments with James Morrison, Adam Johnson, Allan Johnston, Stewart Downing, George Boateng, Michael Debeve, Gaizka Mendieta, Stuart Parnaby, Robbie Mustoe, Mikel Beck and a million others, we finally have a right-winger who is actually a right-winger.
With Gary O'Neil in the first team, Boro will be European champions by 2009.
Steven Pienaar presents the news.
Pienaar 7 - O'Neil 8
Phil Jagielka v George Boateng
Back in the starting line-up, and back in central midfield, we need a monumental performance from Boateng to prove he's still worth a place in the first-team.
TotT believes in you, skipper. Don't let us down.
Up against him is a bloke who is better in goal than he is in central midfield.
Jags 6 - The Boat 7
Phil Neville v Fabio Rochemback
Whisper it, but Fabio Rochemback might be Boro's most impressive performer so far this season.
Actually, that's rubbish. He might be Boro's second most impressive performer so far this season.... David Wheater, of course, is Boro's most impressive performer this season and, indeed, this century.
However, it should be noted that gone are Rochemback's spacky shanks into Row ZZ and in their place are dynamic give and gos, a solid work-rate and some accurate attempts on goal.
Neville is everything Rocky's not. Apart from ugly.
Neville 8 - Rocky 8
Leon Osman v Stewart Downing
Beatles fan DJ Downing loves going to Liverpool, because it gives him a chance to visit all of Lennon and McCartney's old hang-outs. In fact, on Saturday night he's booked to play a set at the Cavern Club.
TotT is lucky enough to have seen an advance copy of DJ Downing's set-list and let's just say if you're a fan of Cast, The Farm, Half Man Half Biscuit or Lightning Seeds or Shack you should get yourself down there.
Leon Osman's favourite Beatles tune is Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da. The big idiot.
Osman 8 - DJ Downing 8
Andrew Johnson v Tuncay Sanli
What is it with Andys? Just as they reach the pinnacle of their careers, they decide to rename themselves Andrew so they can be taken more seriously.
Witness Andy Cole, a European Cup winner, five-time Premiership winner and two-time FA Cup winner. Then he renames himself Andrew Cole and he starts making shitty rap records, signs for Blackburn and never recovers.
Witness Andy Crane. Alongside Ed The Duck, he rules late-80s children's TV. Then he renames himself Andrew and now he's selling his ass in a Soho bed and breakfast for three pound fifty. Possibly.
Since renaming himself Andrew, Johnson is so ineffective that next to him Yakubu looks full of vim and vigour and not just pies.
Tuncay is going to score any second now.
Andy 'Don't Call Me Andy' Johnson 6 - Brave Heart 7
Yakubu v Mido
Ah, Yakubu. TotT doesn't mind admitting that we miss the big lumberer.
Was he interested in helping his team get to the final of the Uefa Cup? No. Was he interested in contributing to the team's general attacking play? No. Was he able to trap the ball? No. Was he willing to do any more than shuffle around the opponent's eighteen-yard-box? No.
But, whenever there was a leg to stumble over in the penalty area or a free shot on goal from twelve-yards, Yakubu was your man.
That said, he's pretty much guaranteed to score in this game.
All-action Mido is due one, but TotT is predicting, yet again, that this'll be Tuncay's game.
The Yak 7 - Mido 7
Summary
Toffees 78 - Boro 83
The scores suggest Boro will run out comfortable winners, but Dapper Dave Wheater can't do it all by himself, so the game will be tight.
Yakubu will certainly score and it remains to be seen if Boro can score two away from home without the linesman helping them.
Prediction: One apiece at Goodison as Tuncay cancels out an inevitable fourty-yard wonder strike from Yakubu.
RETURN TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX PAGE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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