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MIDDLESBROUGH v CHELSEA TALE OF THE TAPE 19-10-07
James Bassett
Or...
Swing Low
Tale of the Tape's been a huge rugby fan since we were knee high to a Gilbert and we simply can't wait until Saturday night to don our o2 emblazoned jersey, our chinos, our boating shoes and scream ourselves hoarse for Martin, Phil, Johnny and Saint George.
But up first at 3pm on Saturday is the biggest club rugby game of the weekend as former Guinness Premiership champions, Chelsea, travel to The Riverside to play an out-of-sorts Middlesbrough team who are keeping good ball but simply not getting enough points on the board.
LET'S GET READY TO RUGGER!
Mark Schwarzer v Petr Cech
Despite being from one of the world's most passionate rugby losing. sorry. playing countries, Mark Schwarzer, we're betting, was too busy trying to find himself a new club to notice that the Wallabies were eliminated from the World Cup by England.
However, despite hailing from a country whose rugby credentials are so poor Namibia reached the World Cup ahead of them, Petr Cech's fascination with the oval ball pre-dates the behaviour of the shameless Johnny Wilkinson-cum-latelys that are presently swarming into Walkabouts up and down the country trying to get a good seat.
You'll no doubt recall that after a collision with Stephen Hunt's knee, Cech started wearing some classic rugger headgear. Of course, being a sissy football player, Cech was hospitalised with a fractured skull and he didn't play again for three months. If he were a brave rugby player he wouldn't have even blinked, he'd have just put his hand into his collapsed skull and pulled the bone back together.
Skippy 6 - Cech 10
Luke Young v Juliano Belletti
Brazilians aren't famed for their rugby playing ability but as recently as 2006 Juliano Belletti was helping Barcelona lift the greatest club trophy in the world, the Heineken Cup.
Belletti finds himself up against Boro's most impressive back this season. With Mido and Tuncay Sanli returning to the starting fifteen, Boro will look to get some good ball from Young's line-outs. If only Gareth Southgate had a decent lifter he could employ.
Where's Mikel Beck when you need him?
Young 7 - Belletti 7
David Wheater v Tal Ben Haim
Israel have no pedigree when it comes to playing rugby, so TotT has nothing much to say about Tal Ben Haim. Except that his circumcised penis is probably the cause of much hilarity from his team mates who are obsessed with showing each other their dicks. It's not gay, right? It's just what we do in rugby.
Wheater is Boro's in-form prop and, despite his youth, his size in the pack makes him a very useful asset to the fifteen. Plus he can dig his chin into opponents in the scrum.
Wheater 10 - Ben Haim 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Ricardo Carvalho
Boro's number eight has yet to reach his best form this season, but despite Portugal's awful showing in the World Cup, Carvalho did score a try against Scotland, so we'll give him an extra point.
Woodgate 8 - Carvalho 9
Andrew Taylor v Paolo Ferreira
Andrew Taylor was in such a hurry to get to the pub to watch England's semi-final victory over France that he drove 104mph in a 70mph zone and has now been banned for driving for fifty-six days and fined £500.
Paolo Ferriera wishes he could afford a car that goes 104mph, but being a poor rugby player, he can only afford a pair of Action Man roller-skates to get to work on. Damn those overpaid football primadonnas.
Taylor 7 - Bridge 7
Gary O'Neil v Michael Essien
Boro's openside flanker, Gary O'Neil, will find it tough up against Chelsea's Ghanaian number-five lock.
Essien's ability to control the rolling maul will see him edge this one.
O'Neil 7 - Essien 9
George Boateng v Claude Makelele
Back in his days at top Spanish rugby side, Real Madrid, Claude Makelele's dressing room nickname was The Ebony Tripod. This is yet another example of rugby players being obsessed with cocks. But it definitely isn't gay, right. It's just team building.
Despite his reportedly enormous wang, Makelele will be as sore as his missus about France's exit from the World Cup and will be fired up to win this one. Boateng's use of the garryowen will be vital but, although an expert at the reverse pass, he'll have to improve his recycling of ball in the second phase.
The Boat 7 - Makelele 8
Fabio Rochemback v Frank Lampard
The two heaviest players face off against one another in a clash that could determine the outcome of the match.
The Boro inside-centre is a master of the hand-off, capable of delivering accurate up-and-unders and is also renowned for his miss passes. Lampard, however, has a good record of penalty conversion and possesses an accurate short-distance grubber kick.
Whoever rucks hardest will win this one.
Rocky 7 - Lampard 7
Stewart Downing v Florent Malouda
Not even Tale of the Tape loves rugby as much as DJ Downing. Ever since England's brilliant win over the USA, Downing has been playing Swing Low Sweet Chariot, Jerusalem and God Save The Queen non-stop in the dressing-room through his iPod speakers.
Florent Malouda tried to do the same in the Chelsea dressing room with La Marseillaise but Frank Lampard shoved Malouda's head down the toilet, shat on him and then made him drink seven pints of sick. Hey, this is what rugby boys like us do, okay?
DJ Downing 8 - Malouda 7
Tuncay Sanli v Joe Cole
Tuncay Sanli arrived in Rugby Union with an excellent try-scoring record in the League, but like Andy Farrell, has found the transition to the fifteen-man code a tough proposition. With Mido Boro's only experienced forward, Tuncay will be called upon to link the third and fourth phases and ensure Boro recycle good ball inside Chelsea's twenty-two.
There are few second row forwards as gifted as Joe Cole, but on occasion, he is culpable of not releasing the ball when tackled.
Brave Heart 8 - Cole 8
Mido v Didier Drogba
Egyptian rugby virtuoso Mido will have to work up against the head while Boro's other front-row forward, Tuncay, goes looking for that crucial third phase possession. It will make for a hard afternoon for Mido but having piled on two stone since he arrived in English club rugby, he's certainly got the size to make an impact.
Didier Drogba will be recalled by Chelsea after serving a suspension for sending Fulham's Chris Baird to the blood bin and will be an important player for them as they try to cross the gain line.
Mido 7 - Drogba 9
Summary
Boro 82 - Chelsea 88
Expect Colin Cooper to lead a traditional Teesside Haka as Boro take to the pitch on Saturday. It could just be enough to rattle a Chelsea team who aren't playing the best rugby of their lives at present.
Prediction: A drop goal could settle this one, but Tale of the Tape foresees a 1-1 draw.
RETURN TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX PAGE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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