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MANCHESTER UNITED v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 26-10-07
James Bassett
Or
Trick Or Treat
Carving Jack-O'-Lanterns, playing with a Ouija board, eating a teeth-rotting amount of toffee apples, dressing up like Jason Voorhees, throwing toilet roll over your neighbours' trees.. what's not to love about Halloween?
However, this year, All Hallows Eve could be an especially frightening night because there's a very real possibility that Boro will find themselves in the relegation zone.
To guarantee a position outside of the bottom three come 31st October, Gareth Southgate must lead his team to victory at Old Trafford.
Scared yet?
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Edwin van der Sar v Mark Schwarzer
TotT is reliably informed that Mark Schwarzer is still feeling the effects of a particularly terrifying ghost story that his daughter told him last Halloween. The tale involved a failed goalkeeper who committed suicide by cutting off his own head, and who now haunts the six-yard box of any keeper who comes off his line to collect crosses.
Since hearing that story, TotT has looked at Schwarzer's goalkeeping limitations in a far more sympathetic light.
van der Sar is also haunted, but only by the fact that Ben Foster will be stealing his starting place as soon as he's fit.
van der Sar 7 - Skippy 6
Wes Brown v Luke Young
Wes Brown is a huge "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" fan and models his daft hair on Spike from the series.
A big fan of Bela Lugosi films, Luke Young finds the modern day portrayal of vampires in the Sarah Michelle Gellar camp action vehicle an absolute affront to his cinematic sensibilities.
Brown had better watch his neck.
Brown 6 - Young 7
Rio Ferdinand v Chris Riggott
With an incredible seventeen apples in a minute, Chris Riggott is the current Riverside apple-bobbing champion.
Lucky for Riggs, he's never likely to come up against Rio Ferdinand, who, with his odd-shaped gob, would almost certainly make mincemeat of the Boro man's tally.
Ferdinand 9 - Riggs 5
Nemanja Vidic v Jonathan Woodgate
70s rock fan Nemanja Vidic will be painting his face like Ace Frehley from Kiss for Halloween.
Despite his long, unwashed hair Woodgate is no fan of rock music and rather than take up Vidic's invitation to paint his face like Peter Criss will instead attend his Halloween party dressed as Bugs Bunny.
Vidic 9 - Woodgate 7
John O'Shea v Andrew Taylor
It surely isn't a benefit for 364 days of the year, but John O'Shea's uncanny likeness to Peter Kay means that he doesn't have to bother coming up with a proper costume when he goes to fancy dress parties. He can just pretend to be the utterly unfunny Bolton comic.
Andrew Taylor has no such luck and is attending a Halloween party as the arse end of a donkey. The front end, TotT is told, will be Taylor's mate, Matthew Bates.
O'Dear 6 - Tayls 7
Cristiano Ronaldo v Gary O'Neil
He might be a decent right-midfielder and a seasoned professional, but Gary O'Neil is still desperate to fit in with his new team mates. Ahead of the game against Chelsea, Lee Cattermole forced Gary O'Neil to say 'Candyman' into the mirror five times. O'Neil made it to four okay, but bottled it on fifth attempt.
If O'Neil can pluck up the courage and get back in front of the mirror, and Boro can somehow get Candyman under control, Southgate may want to consider giving the hook-handed bee botherer the job of man-marking Ronaldo.
Ronaldo 9 - O'Neil 7
Darren Fletcher v George Boateng
With a face so craggy that he merits the nickname of Leatherface, Darren Fletcher is naturally talented at scaring young children on Halloween and doesn't have the necessity to dress up at fancy dress parties.
With his cheerful demeanour, Boateng will have to make a bit more effort. Unless he can somehow find a party that has the theme Dullness & Slog.
Fletcher 6 - The Boat 6
Anderson v Fabio Rochemback
While Anderson's chief vice is erm.vice, Rochemback has been harbouring an addiction for English confectionary for some time.
Malcolm Crosby and Colin Cooper have ordered Fabio Rochemback to lay off the chocolate, but Halloween affords the Brazilian the perfect opportunity to do some undercover Curly Wurly bingeing.
Rocky'll be going out on Wednesday night disguised in a Michael Myers mask and doing some heavy duty trick or treating. Either you give him a king size Mars bar or he smashes your windows with one of his trademark freekicks.
TotT's top tip, if you want to avoid this occurring, is to build a four-man wall out of garden gnomes that Rochemback will be unable to clear.
Anderson 7 - Rocky 7
Ryan Giggs v Stewart Downing
While Ryan Giggs sits at home on Halloween pulling out his chest hair and sewing it into his temples, DJ Downing will be hosting a special Halloween party at The Purple Onion.
Revellers should expect the usual Halloween fancy dress fare with girls dressed like witches and boys dressed like vampires. The real lure, of course, is Downing's set-list: a three-hour mash-up of all the great Halloween tunes, including Thriller, Tubular Bells Part 1, The Time Warp and, of course, Bobby 'Boris' Pickett's The Monster Mash.
Giggs 9 - DJ Downing 8
Carlos Tevez v Tuncay Sanli
A big fan of rubbish horror films, Tuncay is going to see Saw IV on Halloween.
Incidentally, TotT hears that Carlos Tevez's facial scarring was, in fact, caused by a Saw-esque trap in which an automatically tightening vice was placed on his neck. To get the vice to stop, Tevez had to put his face into a jar of small rodents and let them scratch him a bit before having acid poured all over his hand. A shotgun then blew a hole in his foot and it turned out the key to make it all stop was up his bum all along. God, those films are shit, aren't they?
Tevez 8 - Brave Heart 8
Wayne Rooney v Mido
While Wayne Rooney spent his week scoring against Dynamo Kiev, Mido spent the week carving hundreds of Jack-O'-Lanterns for local hospices.
His good work done, he collected all the leftovers and made himself a bloody great pumpkin pie. The fat get.
Rooney 9 - Mido 7
Summary
United 85 - Boro 75
If the Chelsea game is anything to go by, Boro will spend the afternoon harrying and hassling Manchester United players around the pitch as effectively as a disaffected janitor dressed as a ghost chasing after Scooby Doo, Shaggy and the rest of the Mystery Machine crew.
Prediction: You don't have to be some sort of tarot card reader to know how this one's gonna go - United take an early lead, Boro equalise, defend bravely and are eventually undone by a dodgy Ronaldo penalty. 2-1 home win.
RETURN TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX PAGE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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