|
 |
BOLTON WANDERERS v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 9-11-07
James Bassett
Or
Where The Air Is Sweet
Under Sam Allardyce Bolton could be charitably described as full-blooded, and uncharitably described as a disgusting, cheating bunch of arseholes who sullied the good name of football with their very existence.
But like most Boro fans, Tale of the Tape actually has fond memories of playing Wanderers. It was just three years ago when sublime performances from Boudewijn Zenden, Ugo Ehiogu, Joseph-Desire Job and Mike Riley saw Boro defeat Bolton in the first-ever Carling Cup Final.
That heady afternoon in Cardiff feels like a lifetime ago now, as, just like that eight-legged Indian girl, both teams are struggling around the bottom.
So to commemorate this relegation six-pointer, and in a no way desperate attempt to secure a theme for this hastily cobbled together edition of TotT, today's episode, like so many instalments of Sesame Street before it, is brought to you by the number 6.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Jussi Jaaskelainen v Mark Schwarzer
Say what you like about Mark Schwarzer but by spilling Kevin Davies's tame shot into his own net, he was the only Boro player with the balls to make a game of the League Cup final.
With a fabulous name and a hairstyle only made possible by a wonky pudding bowl, Jaaskelainen is just the kind of player TotT would like to replace Skippy when the big Aussie buggers off in the summer.
Jussi 7 - Skippy 6
Nicky Hunt v Luke Young
Via the in no way made-up medium of this column, we discovered a few weeks ago that Luke Young is a huge fan of vampire movies. Obviously this means that his favourite Sesame Street character is Count von Count.
If you muddle up Count and Hunt, you could end up with a very rude word.
Hunt 6 - Young 7
Andy O'Brien v Emmanuel Pogatetz
If Emmanuel Pogatetz promised to make us all steak pies, throw tenners into the crowd and was actually Jessica Alba, his comeback would not be more eagerly anticipated. It seems like only yesterday that he was just a rubbish left-back and now he's our saviour. He also hates Kevin Davies.
Andy O'Brien used to play for Newcastle so Manny probably hates him too.
Good to have you back, Pogs.
O'Brien 6 - Manny 9
Abdoulaye Meite v David Wheater
TotT is reliably informed that Jonathan Woodgate will continue to recuperate from the injury that's made him a bit rubbish this season, so Dave Wheater will keep his place.
Owing to Abdoulaye Meite's huge nose and colossal turning-circle, his nickname around The Reebok Stadium is Snuffleupagus.
Meite 7 - Wheater 7
Ricardo Gardner v Andrew Taylor
Since being banned from driving, Taylor has being staying over at his mate Lee Cattermole's house because it's closer to the training ground. This makes them the Bert and Ernie of Boro.
Except they don't share a bed. Obviously.
Despite being a grown man, Ricardo Gardner descends into fits of girlish giggles whenever he plays with a Tickle Me Elmo.
Gardner 6 - Tayls 7
Gavin McCann v Gary O'Neil
Gavin McCann may look like he's in his mid-fifties but TotT can exclusively reveal that he's only nineteen. His timeworn appearance owes a lot to a hard life spent living in Birmingham dustbins. Just like Oscar the Grouch.
By contrast, Gary O'Neil has impeccable hygiene and only bathes in Evian water and rose petals.
McCann 6 - O'Neil 8
Danny Guthrie v Lee Cattermole
TotT has no idea who Danny Guthrie is so we're going to assume that he's a relation of folk hero Woody Guthrie. This makes him okay in TotT's book.
We tried to interview Lee Cattermole to ask him what his favourite Guthrie song is but he was unavailable for comment. We're pretty sure it's "This Land Is Your Land" though.
Guthrie 5 - Catts 6
Kevin Nolan v Fabio Rochemback
The bankrupt man's Steven Gerrard, Kevin Nolan, might strut around the park like he's Big Bird, but, behind his back, his team mates call him Grover.
Despite serious competition from Midough, Fabio Rochemback remains The Riverside's closest answer to The Cookie Monster.
Nolan 7 - Rocky 7
Ivan Campo v Stewart Downing
In the corresponding fixture last season, DJ Downing was just cutting his teeth on the decks and experienced a particularly embarrassing night at Bolton's Blessed Bar.
He was charged with putting on a night devoted to past and present local bands but ended up playing When A Man Loves A Woman, Love Is A Wonderful Thing, Can I Touch You There and a number of other ballads by Michael Bolton.
Ivan Campo models his hair on the Connecticut-born crooner.
Alan Davies 8 - DJ Downing 8
Gary Speed v Tuncay Sanli
We were just about to write something very witty about how Gary Speed allegedly got Sammy Lee sacked but it's just occurred to TotT that Tuncay actually does looks a lot like Michael Bolton.
Speed 8 - Brave Heart 8
Kevin Davies v Jeremie Aliadiere
Sorry, still distracted by the Tuncay/Bolton thing.
Davies 7 - Aliadiere 7
Summary
Notlob 74 - Boro 80
At La Riv, this is a home banker. At The Reebok, the previous three results - 0-0, 1-1, 0-0 - make painful reading.
Is Gary Megson the man to make things more interesting? TotT thinks not.
Prediction: Pogatetz returns with a thumping headed goal. 1-0 to the Boro.
RETURN TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX PAGE
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £41.20 ON PORTSMOUTH v FULHAM
Did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Premiership clash between Portsmouth v Fulham, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £41.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £41.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match and we will collect £115.00 if Portsmouth win, £112.20 if Fulham win and £114.13 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
 .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £20.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £26.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet
account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £20.00 on Portsmouth at 3.00 (2/1) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Portsmouth as well. You will now have £30.00 riding on Portsmouth.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 3.7 (11/4) (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £26.00 on Fulham at 2.2 (6/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £51.00 riding on Fulham.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £71.00 on the Portsmouth v Fulham match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.
If Portsmouth win, you collect £115.00. That's £90.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £114.13. That's £89.13 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Fulham win you collect £112.20. That's £87.20 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Portsmouth v Fulham match is Fulham win and you make £41.20 profit. However, if it is a draw you make £43.13 and if Portsmouth win you make £44.00. That's a minimum profit of 58%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
|
|
|
|
