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MIDDLESBROUGH v ASTON VILLA TALE OF THE TAPE 23-11-07
James Bassett
Or
Virtute The Cat Explains Her Departure
If Tale of the Tape wasn't a cruel-arsed bastard, and had the ginger smugger not just claimed TWO-AND-A-HALF MILLION pounds for being woefully out of his depth, we'd feel a bit sorry for Steve McClaren.
He finally does what he should've done a year ago and drops Paul Robinson. He correctly identifies Andrew Davies-slow left-back Josep Simunic as the weak link in the Croatia back four and sends Shaun Wright-Phillips out there to torment him.
Then after five minutes, Carson throws one into his own net. Ten minutes later, Wayne Bridge reminds everyone why Jose Mourinho plays his best centre-half at left-back to ensure the former Southampton clogger doesn't get a game - by playing the entire Croatia team onside for their second.
But McClaren's biggest gaffe was his use of the FA umbrella at the final whistle. Psychologists will tell you that it made him look like he was searching for shelter from the abuse he was receiving, but the point is, it was a pug-fugly brolly.
You wouldn't catch Mr Gareth with anything less than a vintage Dunhill to protect his troubled troubadour 'do from the elements.
See how far we've come?
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Mark Schwarzer v Scott Carson
If Mark Schwarzer was submerged in crocodile infested water with his head in a box of grubs while Janice Dickinson nibbled at his pecker, he couldn't have had a worse week than Scott Carson.
Much like Steve McClaren, Carson, usually so dependable and workmanlike, fell to pieces under the spotlight of a job that was far too big for him.
Skippy 6 - Carson 6
Luke Young v Olaf Mellberg
Now it's usually TotT's style to take the piss out of the opponent players but there's little to dislike about Olaf Mellberg. He's got a cracking name, a lumberjack's beard and he once kicked the shit out of pants model Freddie Ljungberg.
We quite like Luke Young but we'd like him more if he renamed himself Glory H. Wonderful, grew himself some Fidel Castro-esque face fuzz and booted Rochemback in the knackers every now and then.
Young 7 - Mellberg 7
David Wheater v Zat Knight
Earlier in the season, TotT remarked that Zat Knight was transferred to Fulham at a cost of thirty tracksuits. This was probably twenty-nine tracksuits too many. We've learned nothing about him since, so we'll run the same gag again.
Dapper David Wheater doesn't wear tracksuits, etc etc and so on.
Wheater 8 - Knight 6
Chris Riggott v Martin Laursen
We've absolutely no bloody idea if Jonathan Woodgate is fit, so we'll name Riggott on the teamsheet in the hope that it means Woodgate gets the nod.
Martin Laursen is a centre-back and has scored three goals this season - one fewer than the anticipated Boro eleven have managed between them.
Riggott 6 - Laursen 7
Emmanuel Pogatetz v Wilfred Bouma
By picking up a driving ban for speeding, Andrew Taylor was just getting interesting. Then he went and got himself crocked.
We wouldn't be entirely surprised to learn that Taylor's injury was caused by the envious gaze Manny Pogatetz was giving him from the Reebok Stadium's away dugout, so hard is the Austrian madman.
A quick glance at Wilfred Bouma's Wikipedia entry reveals that he scored for Holland against Macedonia. If only Steve McClaren had asked him for some tips.
Pog 9 - Bouma 7
Adam Johnson v Stilian Petrov
Looky looky, Boro have recalled Watford's Man of the Match Adam Johnson and...what's this.Mr Gareth will whack him straight on the right-wing?
Now, since we got banned from the Riverside dressing room for peaking up James Morrison's shorts, TotT has no real way of knowing whether Gareth's teamsheet will look like this.
We do know that despite receiving some shoddy treatment from a few Boro fans, Stewart Downing ain't getting dropped and Gary O'Neil might just be the man to drive Boro forward from central-midfield.
Like Adam Johnson, Stilian Petrov, despite kicking ass in a weak league, has actually done nothing of note in the Premiership, which TotT takes as a sure sign Southgate will attempt to sign him in January.
Johnson 8 - Petrov 6
Gary O'Neil v Nigel Reo-Coker
TotT is prepared to make the bold prediction that Gary O'Neil will move into central midfield to accommodate the returning Johnson.
However, being an utter coward, TotT will wait until the final result to decide whether it's prudent to move your best player or whether Johnson's electrifying form warrants a little bit of tactical tinkering.
It's tempting to drop Reo-Coker a million points for this abomination, but, in the interests of fairness, we'll give him six.
O'Neil 8 - NRC 6
Fabio Rochemback v Gareth Barry
Gareth Barry was so disappointed with his performance on Wednesday night that he's taken to comfort eating.
Since the final whistle at Wembley, the Villa midfielder has indulged in seven gallons of Ben & Jerry's Banana Split ice-cream, seven hundred cream-filled Krispy Kreme doughnuts and one-hundred-and-ten Wispa bars.
Rochemback is wondering what the England man will have for his main course.
Rocky 7 - Barry 8
Stewart Downing v Ashley Young
While Ashley Young is a bit unlucky not to have been involved on Wednesday, it's Stewart Downing you've really got to feel for. Not only is he roundly booed by sections of his own supporters, Steve McClaren didn't even put him on the bench for England's must-draw match with Croatia.
Instead, assuming that his teammates would do enough to secure qualification to Euro 2008, DJ Downing spent the second-half setting up a party in the changing room.
He had "We're Going To Austria" banners made up, a gaggle of perma-tanned promo girls in various states of undress strewn around the place and enough fizzy pop to rot even Steve McClaren's shiny white teeth.
Of course, DJ Downing didn't leave it there and put together a set list featuring Kool & The Gang's Celebration, Ray Charles's Sitting On Top Of The World and We Are The Champions by Queen.
You've got to feel sorry for the poor bugger sometimes.
DJ Downing 8 - Young 8
Tuncay Sanli v Gabriel Agbonlahor
With England and no other home nation involved in next summer's European Championships, TotT is going to attach itself to Turkey (which reminds us of a funny Christmas day story that we'll share sometime) for the duration of the tournament.
We hope this show of good faith will be repaid by Tuncay in the form of goals, a shot or some indication that he can actually play football.
Brave Heart 7 - Agbonlahor 8
Jeremie Aliadiere v John Carew
With Mido reportedly away trying to negotiate a transfer for some Saudi footballer to keep him company in the Greggs queue, Aliadiere will continue to partner Tuncay up front.
We'd be concerned but John Carew is worse than the pair of them.
Aliadiere 7 - Carew 6
Summary
Boro 81 - Villa 75
With players like Olaf, Wilfred and Gabriel, it's small wonder that Villa are flying. But with Dong Gook Lee on the bench and raring to go, Boro can hold their own in the great name stakes.
Sadly, on Villa's bench will be a dude called Luke Moore who scores at the Riverside more often than our Korean talisman does in a Seoul brothel.
Prediction: Adam Johnson returns and suddenly it all falls into place. 3-1 home win.
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