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DERBY COUNTY v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 14-12-07
James Bassett
Or
Alan Parsons In A Winter Wonderland
That Boro went and outplayed a previously undefeated team the one week Tale of the Tape couldn't be arsed doing the measurements might be a sign that we should knock this sorry excuse for a column on the head. But we've got Christmas presents to buy and need the cash that is unbelievably afforded to us for submitting this weekly drivel.
This time out, Southgate's men travel to Derby for a rip snorting relegation six-pointer that couldn't be more guaranteed to be the last game on Match of the Day if Boro swapped their Garmin-emblazoned shirts for ones sponsored by little known online start-up firm, Hansenisatwat.
All of which is our typically unfunny way of telling you, loyal readers, that by 4:45pm on Saturday we should know whether we're in for a season of good cheer, or whether Boro's good form has lasted no longer than an office party handjob.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Stephen Bywater v Ross Turnbull
If reports are true that Mark Schwarzer is already on the path to a comeback from a soddin' broken thumb, then TotT will stand by our original opinion that Skippy's injury might not ever have been all that serious.
Having previously had the likeable but not quite up to scratch Brad Jones as his long-term number two, Skips needn't have feared for his position. But with Ross Turnbull looking increasingly comfortable in the gaudy yellow outfit, the big Aussie is right to try and expedite his return.
But with a new contract still unsigned, TotT hears rumours that there may be a Thomas Sorensen-shaped gift under Southgate's Christmas tree this year.
Bywater 5 - Turnbull 7
Andy Griffin v Luke Young
Some cheeky scamp - we're looking at you, Tony McMahon - decided to buy Luke Young a Stuart Parnaby action figure in the Riverside Secret Santa game.
Failing to see the funny side, Young took an almighty run-up and punted the cruddy piece of Birmingham City merchandise out of the ground. Just as with his screamer against Spurs, he caught hold of it perfectly and the plastic piece of tat ended up denting the roof of Andy Griffin's new Range Rover.
Griffin 5 - Young 7
Claude Davis v Jonathan Woodgate
The one question mark over the win over Arsenal was the substitution - his second in as many games - of Jonathan Woodgate. He didn't look altogether happy on Sunday and, to be fair, he'd had his best game of the season.
This has led know-nothings like TotT to wonder whether Mr Gareth is merely bringing Huuuuuttthhhh back to fitness slowly by giving our injury-prone vice-captain a breather, or whether something more sinister is afoot.
By the time the next Tale of the Tape appears sometime in January, you may have received your answer, and Claude Davis may have received the Optimus Prime voice changer he put on his Christmas list.
Davis 6 - Woodgate 7
Darren Moore v David Wheater
TotT had been dishing out the tens to David Wheater until, in a fit of reckless pique, we decided to omit him from the team against Reading.
We're not too proud to admit that, despite the ruddy good looks that have made Wheater into the film noir star of 2007, we would've done the same last week, if only we hadn't caught a particularly nasty strain of cantbearsedititis.
Still, TotT can't help but think that our sudden volte-face might just have been the kick Wheater needed because Boro's Robert Mitchum was at his absolute best against Arsenal and made Emmanuel Adebayor look like the slightly better version of Paolo Wanchope that he is.
Moore 7 - Film Noir Wheats 9
Jay McEveley v Emmanuel Pogatetz
After he was floored by Emmanuel Eboue's tame slap last Sunday, TotT is concerned that Pogatetz's circuitry may not have been soldered correctly.
The tumble came at a particularly bad time for Pogatetz with casting well underway for the forthcoming Terminator Four movie. If the Austrian wants the opportunity to square off against Christian Bale's John Conner, he needs Southgate to hit ctrl-alt-delete on Pogatetz's in-built keyboard, give him a re-boot and get him back to his ass-kicking best.
McEveley 6 - Robopog 8
Dean Leacock v Gary O'Neil
We're going to ignore the juvenile opportunities that the Derby right-winger's name presents us with and instead break the news that Gary O'Neil received the following joke in his cracker at the Riverside Christmas meal:
Q - What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?
A - Jungle Bells.
O'Neil also received a miniature screwdriver set which he traded with Mohammed Shawky for a tiny plastic comb.
Leacock 6 - O'Neil 8
Craig Fagan v Julio Arca
Some point to Tuncay's goal, some to Fabio Rochemback's through-ball to Tuncay for his squandered one-on-one with Almunia, and others to David Wheater's flying tackle that dispossessed Eboue and flattened Bakari Sagna as the standout moments in last week's demolition of Arsenal.
But, of course, the real highpoint was the revelation of Julio Arca's longer than ever hair. If he plays as good as he looks, Arca could win this one single-handedly.
Fagan 5 - Arca 10
Matt Oakley v George Boateng
Not long ago, many Boro fans were agitating for Southgate to drop Boateng in favour of Lee Cattermole. But with Cattermole now traipsing the streets of Yarm trying to find a boozer that'll have him, it looks like Boateng's position is considerably safer than any of the admin girls at TotT's Christmas party who wandered too close to the mistletoe.
Oakley 8 - The Boat 8
Stephen Pearson v Stewart Downing
As we approach Christmas, rumours persist that, having grown weary of The Purple Onion's unwillingness to invest in a Numark CM200 mixer, DJ Downing is going to pack up his record bags in January and move to a city with brighter lights and bigger nightclubs.
If he does go, though, his current team mates will always have the memory of his amazing Riverside Christmas party set: a three-hour festive mix that featured Wizzard's "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day", Cheap Trick's "Come On Christmas", "Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer" by Ringo Starr, Louis Armstrong's "Cool Yule", Paul McCartney & Wings' "Wonderful Christmas Time", "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" by The Supremes and, the finest Christmas song of them all, The Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping".
Pearson 7 - DJ Downing 8
Giles Barnes v Jeremie Aliadiere
Despite the dim galoots who decry Aliadiere for being little more than a fast runner, he showed exactly what he brings to the team with a gallivanting performance against his former club.
Tale of the Tape reckons that if you're so simple you can't spot that under Southgate's magical total football system, the onus is on the team to score goals and not individual players, we'll be petitioning Santa to add you to the naughty list.
Barnes 7 - Aliadiere 8
Kenny Miller v Tuncay Sanli
Boro's Turkish superstar was involved in a bit of bother at the Riverside Christmas party.
Having pulled a cracker with Tom Craddock, Tuncay refused to wear his green party hat. Despite the protestations of the entire Middlesbrough staff, Tuncay felt that the paper hat would mess up his hair and wouldn't play along.
Incensed, Colin Cooper took away Tuncay's party popper.
Miller 7 - Brave Heart 10
Summary
Derby 69 - Boro 90
Don't everything look pretty now? We've been beaten only once in five games, having smashed Arsenal last week; Arca, Huth and Pogatetz are all back in the squad; Tuncay only needs a brace against Derby to get his goal every three games stat back on track; and even Rochemback's playing well.
Prediction: It would be typical Boro for us to beat Arsenal and then lose to Derby but TotT thinks it's finally clicked for Mr Gareth and his kind-of-pretty-good-in-a-not-immediately-obvious-way squad.
2-1 to the Boro.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
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