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TALE OF THE TAPE - MIDDLESBROUGH v SPURS 15-8-08
Toby Higgins
It’s back!! Hard hitting and opinion spitting, Tale of the Tape is your must-see-if-you-can-be-arsed article before every single match.
It’s not accurate, it’s not biased and it’s certainly not funny. But its new author is definitely better looking than the previous couple of mugs.
Boro v Spurs: Seconds out, Round One!
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Brad Jones v Heurelho Gomes
So it has come to this!! Boro will start the season with Brad Jones in goal, who is only still at the club because nobody else will take him. I know, I can’t believe it either.
Gomes stands at six foot three, has seventeen Brazil caps and doesn’t have to do much to be a safer keeper than his predecessor.
Jones 4 - Gomes 7
Tony McMahon v Alan Hutton
Should McMahon come through the next twenty-four hours without falling down the stairs, being struck by lightning or stabbing himself in the arm, he, like Jones, is a somewhat surprising starter in Round One.
In order to “sex up” this article, we did some scouting on Spurs' Scottish right back. The findings of the ‘Hutton Enquiry’ were conclusive. He’s shit.
You were warned this article wasn’t funny.
Mr. Glass 6 - Lord Hutton 5
Andrew Taylor v Gareth Bale
Taylor should have a real fight on his hands this season to keep himself as Boro’s first choice left back. However, the acquisition of the number three shirt, plus skipper Poggy’s penchant for yellow cards and injuries, suggests that it might not be too hard after all.
In December 2006, Bale won The Carwyn James Award for the BBC Wales Young Sports Personality of the Year. Lucky bugger.
Taylor 8 - Bale 7
Robert Huth v Ledley King
Robert Huth is bloody massive.
It turns out that Ledley isn’t the King of anywhere.
Huth 7 – King 7
David Wheater v Jonathan Woodgate
The grudge match. England v England, Redcar v Nunthorpe, Master v Student. If the Redcar Rock has a better game than his opposite number, Boro should get the points.
While Woodgate may look like Jesus, Judas might be a more accurate biblical reference to the Boro deserter. He will be making his first appearance since swapping his Teesside mansion for a two bedroom semi opposite Tottenham Court Road tube station.
Wheater 7 – Judas 7
Tuncay Sanli v David Bentley
Braveheart against the new boy at White Hart. It promises to be a thriller.
However, we flirted with the idea of sticking Tuncay in goal after he donned the gloves for his country during Euro 2008. Despite not making any saves, taking any goal kicks or even touching the ball, he’s still a better keeper than Brad Jones.
The new DB7 has got to realise that if Arsene Wenger says you’re shit, you’re shit.
Tuncay 8 v Bentley 6
Momo Shawky v Jermaine Jenas
Despite having only appeared for forty-five minutes at the Riverside during his six months at the club, prompting many to question if he is actually real, big things are expected from Shawky. He starts in the absence of injured Gary O’Neil.
If it’s pronounced Jeanas then why is it spelled Jenas? Stupid ex-Geordie bastard.
Shawky 7 – Jenas 6
Didier’s Digard v Didier Zokora
The battle of the Didis in the middle could be crucial.
I tried to add Digard on Facebook. He hasn’t accepted my friend request yet. Digard has 68 fans on Facebook compared to Zokora’s 46 so the Frenchman wins it.
Digard 8 – Zokora 7
Stewy Downin’ v Luka Modric
If you believe what the papers say, Downing is set to move to Spurs any day now, despite the London club having changed manager several times and bought numerous midfielders since the rumour first started several years before Downing’s birth.
Their latest attempt to plug the gap until Stewy arrives is Croat Luka Modric. Unless the Euro 2008 star is at his best, Downing will make him Luka fool.
Stewy 9 – Modric 7
Afonso Alves v Dimitar Berbatov
Alves will partner Aliadiere in attack, with lightweight Mido facing a late fitness battle to face his former employers.
Berbatov has spent all summer batting his Bulgarian eye-lids in the direction of Sir Alex’s Man United. The sooner he leaves, the better, particularly if he’s gone by the weekend.
Alves 8 – Berbatov 9
Jeremie Alialaisdeie/Mido v Darren Bent
Aliadiere was reportedly gutted at not being chosen for the French Olympic 4x100 relay team. However, he has seen plenty of weightlifting during the summer after watching his pre-season roomy Mido get out of bed every morning.
The Frenchman was equally as unhappy with the opening ceremony in Beijing, which he thought was a huge drain of resources in such an economically backward country.
Speaking of huge wastes of money, Spurs number 23 is Bent.
Aliadiere 7 – Bent 7
Turns out…
Boro 79 – Spurs 75
It is too close to call with any conviction. Boro to pinch it at the death with Wheater outjumping Judas from a Downing corner to record a satisfactory home win.
Prediction - Boro 1 Spurs 0
BACK TO THE ROCKLIFFE FILES INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £43.60 ON MANCHESTER CITY v ARSENAL
The Premier League returns to action this weekend and did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's clash between Manchester City and Arsenal, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £43.60, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £43.60 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match and we will collect £154.60 if Arsenal win, £155.00 if Manchester City win and £156.86 if it is a draw. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Sky Bet .
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of FTB125 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £48.00 into your new Sky Bet
account.
Deposit £38.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £48.00 on Arsenal at 6/5 with Sky Bet
.
Sky Bet will now add a £20.00 free bet to your account. Place this on Arsenal as well. You will now have £68.00 riding on Arsenal.
Back the draw with £38.00 at 3.6 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on Manchester City at 3.1 (21/10) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on Manchester City.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Arsenal win, you collect £154.60. That's £129.60 from Sky Bet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £156.86. That's £131.86 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Manchester City win you collect £155.00. That's £130.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Manchester City v Arsenal match is Arsenal win and you make £43.60 profit. However, if Manchester City win you make £44.00 and if it's a draw win you make £45.86. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing arbitrage bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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