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TALE OF THE TAPE - MIDDLESBROUGH v STOKE CITY 29-8-08
Toby Higgins
You know when you have just had 'one of them days'? Or is it meant
to be 'one of those days'? This kind of day has included that kind of argument.
What we could just do with, right now, is eleven head-to-head battles to calm the
passion.
Seconds out, Round 3...
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Ross Turnbull v Thomas Sorensen
Ross Turnbull looks absolutely gormless, most of the time. The kind of bloke who,
you could tell the funniest joke in the World to, and he'd just
sort of grin and nod.
Thomas Sorensen is famous for not being able to get out of 'Strictly Come Dancing' star Peter
Schmeichel's massive shadow in the Danish national side. He
is also a Mackem reject. Enough said.
Turnbull 7 - Sorensen 6
Justin Hoyte v Andy Griffin
Justin Hoyte is set to make his league debut now, despite making his debut in a back
four that let Yeovil score past them.
Andy Griffin started his career at Stoke twelve years ago and looks like he has been squashed a bit - you know what I mean - if he was a girl
people would call him 'dumpy' so
as not to hurt his feelings by calling him a fat fucking short arse.
Griffin is a Geordie reject.
Hoyfullpuff 8 - Griffindor 5
Andrew Taylor v Carl Dickinson
Who the fucking hell is Carl Dickinson? No, seriously? Who is he?
David's son?
Taylor 9 - Dicko 4
Emmanuel Pogatetz v Leon Cort
I've always thought Pogatetz would have been even more
loved by the Boro fans if he'd called himself Smogatetz. See, this is the
reason I should be allowed to get involved in the club's PR
and transfer departments.
Leon Cort is the name of the new Seat model.
Smogatetz 8 - Seat Leon Cort 5
David Wheater v Ryan Shawcross
Wheater is, finally, back in at centre half, after Robert Huth provided little in
terms of poor joke material during rounds one and two.
Shawcross is probably Stoke's most famous and recognised
player, for having once been an unused sub in Man United's
reserve team Cup semi-final.
Dave Wheater 9 - Shawcross 6
Jeremie Aliadiere v Seyi Olofinjana
A commentator's nightmare. Imagine trying to say 'Seyi Olofinjana skips past Jeremie Aliadiere' after a few pints. Actually,
it's not that difficult - the hardest
part is trying to imagine anyone skipping past Aliadiere, let alone this
mug.
Alaiedierrre 9 - Olfianiaja 5
Stewart Downing v Rory Delap
Stewy D is once again the target for a host of big clubs, such as Amnesia, Pacha and
Eden, should he out grow the pond at the Purple Onion.
Rory is the name of Boro's mascot, and Delap is German for 'The Lap'. Delap is a Mackem reject.
Stewy Downing 10 - Rory The Lap 6
Didier Digard v Abdoulaye Faye
If people whose names start with Di can have it shorted to
Didi (Such as Diemtar or Dimitar), what do you do if your name starts with Didi?
Didi-didi? And then what do you do if your surname starts with Di? Didi-didi Didi?
Anyway, the Frenchman keeps his place after he opened his Boro account against
Yeovil, albeit because their keeper had consumed one Scrumpy Jack too many on the
coach to Teesside.
I would love to be called Abdoulaye, just for a day. Still,
he's a Geordie reject too.
All the Didi's 8 - Faye 6
Gary O'Neil v Amdy Faye
Gary O'Neil is worth a place in the team for only two
reasons. Too much ankle tape (this is, afterall, tale of the tape), and the fact he is due to start repaying our faith in him by grabbing an overdue
goal any game now.
Anyone called Amdy is that kind of special, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know what I
mean.
Stoke sing a song to the tune of Happy Days about this pair of
Fayes being yours and mine. But given they are both
Senegalese, both called Faye, and both are ex-Newcastle, you can help but wonder if
they're the same person, but with two passports.
O'Neil 6 - Amdy Pamdy
6
Mido v Ricardo Fuller
Lightweight Mido has started the season like a house ablaze, though it's worth pointing out the five goals he has scored for
the Boro have all come in the month August, a word which we have
heard means 'Slim and Scoring' in Egyptian.
Fuller is, and will remain until May, Stoke's joint top
scorer, with 1.
Lightweight Mido 9 v Fuller Rice 5
Tuncay Sanli v Dave Kitson
What, no Alves? You heard.
Tuncay's turn at Liverpool was better than Bergkamp,
according to literally a few people, but while Bergkamp would have caressed the ball
gently into the corner of the net, Tuncay volleyed straight at the keeper when
unchallenged from six yards, preventing us taking an unassailable lead and
ultimately, costing us the game.
Harsh? Probably. But Tunj needs a goal or two to stop The Fonz and The Skinny One
relegating him to the bench.
Relegation is a sensation that former Reading man Kitson will not have to wait too
long to experience again.
Tuncay 8 - Kitson 7
Turns out...
Teesside 91 - Staffordshire 61
This bit has been pretty accurate so far, and this week is fairly straight forward.
Hat-tricks galore, flowing football, a repeat of the 8-1 trouncing of Man City last
season. We are playing so well, and are so watchable, that the
relegation favourites could not possibly pose a threat, like the time we played
Cardi... ah.
Boro 4-0 Stoke, or, Boro 0-1 Stoke
BACK TO THE ROCKLIFFE
FILES AND TotT INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £47.47 ON GERMANY v ENGLAND
There's a big round of international friendlies this midweek and did you know that it is possible to win money on Wednesday evening's clash between Germany and England, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 7.45pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £47.47, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £47.47 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £111.00 on the Germany v England match and we will collect £159.00 if Germany win, £158.47 if England win and £160.00 if it is a draw. That's a minimum profit of 42%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Sky Bet .
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of FTB125 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £50.00 into your new Sky Bet
account.
Deposit £36.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £50.00 on Germany at 6/5 with Sky Bet
.
Sky Bet will now add a £20.00 free bet to your account. Place this on Germany as well. You will now have £70.00 riding on Germany.
Back England with £36.00 at 3.85 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on the draw at 3.2 (11/5) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on the draw.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £111.00 on the Germany v England match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Germany win, you collect £159.00. That's £134.00 from Sky Bet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If England win, you collect £158.47. That's £133.47 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw you collect £160.00. That's £135.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Germany v England match is England win and you make £47.47 profit. However, if Germany win you make £48.00 and if it's a draw win you make £47.00. That's a minimum profit of 42%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing arbitrage bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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