|
 |
TALE OF THE TAPE - SUNDERLAND v MIDDLESBROUGH 19-9-08
Toby Higgins
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, a half-arsed apology.
I had to be up for work last week really early, meaning I had to go to bed early and Tale of the Tape was only half written (it was dead funny though, it had jokes about Glen Johnson having his FA Cup medal being nicked and everything).
I then rang my Mam to get her to finish it and she did, but then the dog pissed on the laptop and then I wasn’t even here last lesson so I didn’t know we’d had any homework set. I’ll bring it next lesson, Sir.
Speaking of schoolboy errors, Boro returned to the changing rooms in the eighty-fifth minute again and while Stewy Downin’ couldn’t manage to bag an own goal, his delightful chip into JD’s path meant he should have scored me some points on Fantasy Footy for a deliberate assist.
Seconds out, round 5...
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Craig Gordon v Ross Turnbull
The failure to produce a Tale of the Tape last week allows me to copy last week’s gag into this space. Just like David James, Craig Gordon has two first names and if he was any good, he wouldn’t be playing for Sunderland.
Given that he’s young, English and a goalkeeper, it’s a wonder Turnbull hasn’t been touted as the next England number one. Although maybe that tells you something...
Gordon 8 – Turnbull 6
Pascal Chimbonda v Justin Hoyte
It’s class when footballers think themselves to be awesome, hand in a transfer request minutes after the last game of the season, fail at their next club and end up worse off than when they started. Step forward, Pascal Chimbonda.
So ruthless are ninety-nine percent of Boro fans, most are already scouring the Football Manager database to find a fifteen year old Argentine right back to replace Hoyte, who was a whisker away from netting his second own goal of the season at Pompey.
The ongoing confusion at which way he’s meant to be playing won’t be helped by the fact he played a full year at Sunderland on loan.
What’s that coming over the hill, is it Chimbonda? 6 – Hoyte o.g. 6
George McCartney v Andrew Taylor
Just like when you leave your girlfriend, George McCartney looked back on his days at Sunderland and only remembered the good times:
Their glorious promotion from the country’s second division, season long injury after season long injury, losing his place to Julio Arca, Sunderland going down with the lowest number of points ever etc.
So good were those days, he couldn’t resist returning during the latest transfer window. Idiot.
Andy Taylor made a twenty minute cameo appearance in centre midfield at Pompey. Christ.
McCartney 6 – Mr Versatile 8
Anton Ferdinand v Robert Huth
Anton will always be living in Rio’s shadow.
Robert Huth is so big, everyone is in his shadow.
We’re already looking forward to Anton’s World Cup wind-ups should England qualify for another World Cup during Anton’s lifetime.
Rio’s brother 7 – Huuuuuuuuth 9
Nyron Nosworthy v David Wheater
Sunderland’s number five is Nos Worthy of playing for a team like Sunderland, which tells you what a mediocre player he is.
David Wheater didn’t think Boro had any mediocre players until he saw Chris Riggott at centre half at Portsmouth.
Wheater and Tayls leapfrog Pogatetz and Riggott as Boro search for only their third clean sheet in the last twenty games, which would be the funniest joke in this article, were it not true.
We are Nos Worthy 5 – Wheater 8
Steed Malbranque v Jeremie Aliadiere
In Malbranque, Sunderland have a trusty Steed, though if he’s anything like the bloke who turned out for Fulham and Tottenham, he’s more donkey than horse.
Just take a moment to imagine if Aliadiere could finish... I know, scary or what.
Malbranque 7 – Alaiddiereire 8
Kieran Richardson v Stewy Downin’
It seems that only Roy Keane and Charlie off Big Brother Eight think anything of Kieran Richardson.
The more bad performances ex-Mackem loanee Downin’ keeps chucking in while wearing an England shirt, the better. Last thing we need is people actually thinking he’s any good.
Richardson 7 – Stewy 10
Dean Whitehead v Gary O’Neil
Whitehead was spotted (Whitehead... spot... you heard!) plying his trade at lowly Oxford United.
Unless Gary O’Neil stops spending most of his weekly wage on tape for his ankles and spends more time scoring a goal or two, Oxford United might be a suitable dumping ground for a player who is running out of time to convince his many doubters that he’s the solution to our (centre-mid – Rochemback + Boateng + Cattermole) equation.
Whiteheed 7 – GO’Niel 6
Teemu Tainio v Didier Digard
Tainio completes the trio of former Spurs players in Sunderland’s line-up, which has prompted suggestions that Sunderland’s scouts are as lazy as Boro’s.
Didier Digard must have been good on Pro Evo because we have never played Paris St Germain, so goodness knows how the club found out about him. Anyway, he’s in ahead of the returning Arca and Shawky.
Teemu 7 – Didi Di 8
El Hadji Diouf v Mido
Just like when I have to send my suit trousers to the dry cleaners, Diouf usually gets a bad press, probably due to the amount of spit involved in both instances.
Fifteen months and several weight fluctuations later, lightweight-free-scoring-problem-child Mido is ready to commit to the club - until January. Expect some serious badge kissing when he scores again on Saturday.
El Hadji Diouf will spit on you 8 – Mido 9
Djibril Cisse v Afonso Alves
Djibril’s funky underpants, outlandish hair styles and two wooden legs confirm what his name suggests – he’s just a big sissy.
Alves has only got thirty-four games to score the remaining twenty-nine goals he needs to justify the £12million, thirty goal a season in Holland price tag. Expect at least six or seven from him in this one.
Cisse 8 – Alves 8
Turns out...
Wearside 76 – Teesside 86
Early kick offs normally mean a dull first half, so expect all three goals to be in the second half, with Sunderland’s winner, a Justin Hoyte own goal following an inch perfect Stewy Downin’ cross in the last ten minutes.
Despite Boro winning it on points, Sunderland to pinch it. 2-1, again.
BACK TO THE ROCKLIFFE
FILES AND TotT INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £43.60 ON MANCHESTER CITY v ARSENAL
The Premier League returns to action this weekend and did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's clash between Manchester City and Arsenal, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £43.60, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £43.60 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match and we will collect £154.60 if Arsenal win, £155.00 if Manchester City win and £156.86 if it is a draw. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Sky Bet .
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of FTB125 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £48.00 into your new Sky Bet
account.
Deposit £38.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £48.00 on Arsenal at 6/5 with Sky Bet
.
Sky Bet will now add a £20.00 free bet to your account. Place this on Arsenal as well. You will now have £68.00 riding on Arsenal.
Back the draw with £38.00 at 3.6 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on Manchester City at 3.1 (21/10) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on Manchester City.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Arsenal win, you collect £154.60. That's £129.60 from Sky Bet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £156.86. That's £131.86 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Manchester City win you collect £155.00. That's £130.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Manchester City v Arsenal match is Arsenal win and you make £43.60 profit. However, if Manchester City win you make £44.00 and if it's a draw win you make £45.86. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing arbitrage bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
|
|
|
|
