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THE STEVE GOLDBY COLUMN - GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN GUNS - 12-8-08
Steve Goldby
Those who know me personally will be aware that I'm not too keen on the club from West Yorkshire's largest city who play in all white and were managed at separate times in the 70s by two men from Middlesbrough, one who brought them their finest years and the other lasting a mere forty-five days before going on to win two European Cups at Nottingham Forest.
The jubilation I felt when the club was relegated to The Championship in 2004 bordered on hysteria and that was nothing to do with the fact that I was watching proceedings in a smoky bar in Amsterdam, probably called 'The Legover' or something similar.
And the jubilation returned two years later when we all started singing, "Dennis Wise, what have you done? You've taken Leeds down to League One..."
I watched that one in Middlesbrough and it was just as good as being in that bar in Amsterdam.
I do admit feeling a slight twinge of sympathy when the club were docked fifteen points at the start of last season however, despite the punishment being just and fair.
The feeling didn't last long however as the team in white started winning and soon climbed to the top of the division, only to implode when Gus Poyet left for Spurs.
They're still in League One and I hope that this is the last season they remain there...
...I hope they join Macclesfield, Morecambe and Rochdale in League Two next August.
Now you may or may not have noticed that I have purposefully failed to mention the name of the team I am referring to. This has not been done out of spite or bitterness. It has been done because I am not allowed, by law apparently, to say the words 'L**ds U****d'.
Unbelievable it may seem, a company going under the grandiose and pretentious name of 'Crimeproofing Limited' are contacting fan websites and publications and claiming to be acting under the instruction of Ken Bates, owner of the club in question. They are ordering these sites to stop using the club's intellectual property, i.e. the club badge, logos and the words 'L**ds U****d'.
Now prohibiting use of the badge and logo I can understand but not being allowed to use the phrase 'L**ds U****d' in articles and conversation is not just bordering on the ridiculous, it is defining the ridiculous.
This act of totally unrivalled lunacy apparently applies to all branches of the media, including national publications and sports channels. My reading of this is that if you want to publish a match report involving the lowly club from Tykesville, you have to pay monies to Bates in order to be able to legally use the two offending words in the same sentence.
'Crimeproofing Limited' contacted us because as well as owning ComeOnBoro.com, we also own FansOnline.net which contains a L**ds U****d site.
The actions of the club's representatives have not only alienated the media en-masse, but have also upset the fans in a big way and I am very able to put my dislike of the club to one side and say that a lot of their supporters deserve better than this heavy handed treatment after what they have been through in recent years.
Just click here and take a look at what the L**ds U****d fans are saying.
This one really has the potential to devastate the numbers at Elland Road. Sorry, am I allowed to write the name of the ground without fear of litigation? Possibly not but I don't fear Ken Bates or any of his henchmen or cronies.
We've had threats of litigation from bigger fish than him and like we have done before, we will fight it. The worst case scenario is that we lose but L**ds U****d will end up looking petty and foolish.
We were threatened with court action during the Summer over an article we wrote about a football agent. The claim was that we had libelled said agent, hurt his feelings and damaged his reputation. They wanted an apology plus compensation and here's a couple of extracts from my response.
"I am certain that xxxxxx is not really 'deeply embarrassed and injured' as you so eloquently put it. I am aware of the man's character and he is a bit tougher than that.
"You also claim that statements within the article seriously libel your client and are without foundation. I strongly dispute that quote and do not believe that we damaged his reputation as xxxxxx has no reputation on Teesside to protect anyway.
"My proposal for compensation is that xxxxxx meets me in any Middlesbrough town centre public house on any given evening and I will buy him five pints of beer or lager of his choice, a large parmo with chips and give him the price of a brand new box of Kleenex tissues.
"I am not prepared to contribute anything towards xxxxxx's legal costs as had he contacted me directly regarding this matter, there would have been no need to involve yourselves as we could very easily have resolved it between ourselves.
"I trust that this letter meets with your approval and I look forward to your reply."
The legal firm responded but did not pursue my compensation offer and instead decided to drop the case, provided we publish an apology.
I'll be handling the L**ds U****d situation in the same manner, with the exception of offering Bates a drink or five as I really have better things to do than spend valuable social time with his type. I will keep you posted on the situation as it develops.
As promised, here's a story from my holidays and this week, it's from Israel, a country I have always wanted to visit.
I arrived in Tel Aviv late one Monday evening and the queue for passport checking was enormous. It looked like it would take a good hour at least to get out of the airport. It was almost longer for me as I was hauled out of the queue and taken forthwith to immigration. Boooo!
The interrogation was not going well at all and I had the distinct feeling that I was not going to get into the country. The nice chap in immigration kept asking me the same questions over and over, for example, "Why are you in Israel?", "Why are you travelling alone?", "What is the purpose of your visit?" and on and on...
Then I had a brainwave, based on the fact that the people gathered in the immigration department were all of European, Hispanic, Arab, African or Carribbean descent, bar none...
He asked me once again "What is the purpose of your visit?"
"I have come to look for my heritage." I said. "I'm Jewish you see...", which is a total lie of course.
He looked as though he didn't believe me so I told him to look at the name on my passport, which he duly did.
"...and furthermore" said I, "I am of the understanding that any Jewish person is allowed free and unrestricted access to this country...", which of course is a well known fact.
That was the killer line because he closed my passport, stood up and instructed me to "Follow - this way."
I was taken straight to the front of the ever increasing passport queue where the official told the checker to stamp my passport immediately. Ten minutes later I was in a taxi on the way to the first glass of wine of the evening. And a jolly nice stay it was as well.
I'll tell you the story of my visit to Armageddon next week. That was one place that was pretty much on the top of my list but one place that was not on my list at all was Palestine as I didn't fancy being shot whilst on holiday, or at any other time really.
But I was driving along the A6 from Tiberius to the Dead Sea and I picked up a hitch hiker. He happened to be an Israeli soldier and was dressed in full military regalia and was carrying the biggest fuck-off machine gun you have ever seen. Unfortunately he didn't speak a great deal of English so we had to communnicate through the universal language of rock 'n' roll and very conveniently, I just happened to have an Iron Maiden CD playing in the car at the time.
So I thought to myself "What the hell, I'm going to drive through Palestine because nobody is going to mess with me with this dude in the back."
And I was right. They didn't. And I took a glance at the man and his machine gun in the back of the car and there he was, headbanging away to Iron Maiden and using his machine gun as an air guitar...
I saw on the news when I got home that peace had broken out between Israel and Palestine and I reckon it was my hitch hiker who brought it about.
So the moral of this story is that guitars are better than guns any day, unless you bring Ken Bates into the equation, of course.
Until then, Up the Boro, Up the Irons and down with the L**ds Dirties.
Steve
THE STEVE GOLDBY COLUMN INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £43.60 ON MANCHESTER CITY v ARSENAL
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