|
 |
THE DAILY SNORT 2-9-08
Steve Morley
The Snort
‘Manchester’ and ‘joy’ an oxymoronic fusion if ever there was one
Vidic hits out at nation of TV watchers
Nemanja Vidic, Man Ure’s want away defender has followed up his outburst about Manchester’s sodden climate by encouraging English people to visit his native Serbia where they can experience the delights of a wonderful atmosphere while roasting Croats and Kosovan Muslims on slow turning spits.
The bricklayer turned plumber turned footballer said: “What it is with you English? All you do is work and watch TV, are you crazy? Come to mighty Serbia and we show you some funski. In the balmy summer evenings we drink on the pavement and hurl rocks at foreigners. I think you like this.
“Then for a little more funski we drive to Kosovo and burn a few Muslim homes. If we get bored we find a few Croats and force them to hop through minefields while carrying their TV. This what TV for, not for watching, you lazy pigs.”
Vidic expanded on his theme by pointing out that Russians and Serbians enjoy a similar lifestyle, yet “in England they just don’t have time to feel the joy of life.”
“If we get really bored we start war. It’s really good fun, da. You don’t know what good war feels like. It make heart beat fast with joy and is great for improving sniper skills. Then when war finish you have nice holiday hiding in people’s cottages in deep country side.”
“Vidic then pointed out that too much TV is dangerous. “Why Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili pick fight with Russia? War is good laugh but total annihilation is too far.
He spend too much time watching crazy shit Big Brother. It make him lose his mind, he think he famous or something.
“Now that boring crazy shit make anybody crazy. So turn it off I tell you and enjoy life. Start fight… with your neighbours. Is more fun, da?”
Man City - not waving but drowning
Al-Fahim, the 16th richest Arab in the world and new owner of Manchester City is expected to do a Roman Abramnovich and shower the club with an endless supply of moolah in an attempt to make the tottering Citizens a top four club.
However, amid the suppressed snuffles of a thousand titters, a source reckoned as soon as Al-Fahim realises he’s been turned over “he’ll bugger off back to the sun quicker than you can say Thaksin Shinawatra.”
“He’s been sold a real dummy. First Thaksin told him they were a good football club, then he said there’s a big Mecca in the city but didn’t tell him it was a bingo hall in Moss Side used by Mac 10 toting crack dealers – about 40 of them apparently. Dunno where they got the guns from.”
“It was a really slick move by Thaksin, no wonder he got to be prime minister. He told the Sheikh that there’s nothing more dearer to the heart of an English football fan than an oil rich Arab buying their football club. ‘They love it,’ he said, ‘Absolutely love it.’”
“Then he told the Sheikh that there are more camels in Salford than the Sahara and more palm trees in Stretford than on the Nile. But what really swung it was when Thaksin pointed out that child jockeys can be picked up outside the DSS offices for a tenner.”
“However, as soon as he realises how much it rains in these grim environs he’ll be giving an interview from his Hilton penthouse, surrounded by ten £1,000 an hour call girls, to some anonymous Dubai-based business mag saying how the weather is so bad and the English have no appreciation of the joy of life.”
“Before you know it, he’ll be ditching the club to some asset stripping hedge fund disguised as a benevolent financier claiming to love ‘soccer’ but who can’t name the country’s most successful club and refers to ‘franchises’ when talking about the team.”
“Meanwhile the rest of the country won’t know whether to piss themselves with laughter or cry rivers as the great footballing legacy of Manchester is dissolved in a mountain of debt. Amid the maelstrom they also won’t notice Boro quietly scaling the league. (And don’t say we didn’t warn you.)”
Boroscopes by Mystic Muggles
Well, my frisky little dingoes, it’s been a long time and I’ve been busy discerning the patterns that truly do dominate our lives as you’ll discover. Read on with wonder, awe and amazement:
Mido: By chance did you have a wonderfully privileged upbringing? Where you the apple of you Mom and Dad’s eye? Do you get everything you asked for? Was it the case that all you had to do was bawl, howl, scream and bounce your lovely chubby little feet up and down before being showered with all manner of sweeties? The only problem is now that you’re bigger and such behaviour doesn’t go down to well with the grown ups. Is there a clue in your name; me-dough, me, me, me. Is it all about me? Try changing ‘me’ for ‘we’. This simple little letter arrangement may make a big difference to how people see and treat you. Hell, you may even become a first team player.
Tommy ‘everyman’ Stott: Believe it or not your life resembles that of Mido. That is, the patterns that govern your daily existence were set in stone at an early age but while Mido likes to pout and flounce if he doesn’t get his way you just want to twat everyone. This is understandable. You’re big now and no one is going to terrorise, bugger and petrify you any more. However, the stars are now whispering of a big change, a huge turn around. No longer will people cross the street when they see you, turn out the lights and barricade the front door or immediately dial 999. In fact, you’ll find that people will actually stick around. They’ll make you tea and bring you biscuits, and will probably clean the kitchen floor with their tongue, if you request it. It’s amazing the difference a gun makes, isn’t it?
BACK TO THE DAILY SNORT INDEX
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £45.20 ON SPAIN U21 v GERMANY U21
The European U-21 Championship kicks off on Monday and did you know that it is possible to win money on Monday evening's clash between Spain U21 and Germany U21, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 7.45pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £45.20, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £45.20 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If
they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
Also, please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using,
you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail
us or phone us on 01642 223229 as we have alternative bets written and ready to mail out to you using different bookies.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £89.00 on the Spain U21 v Germany U21 match and we will collect £134.20 if Spain U21 win, £136.50 if Germany U21 win and £135.00 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of over 50%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Paddy Power.
Open an account with Bet On Bet.
Open an account with  Bet 24.
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £25.00 into your new Paddy Power account.
Deposit £36.00 into your Bet On Bet account.
Deposit £28.00 into your new Bet 24 account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Back the draw with £25.00 at 11/5 with Paddy Power.
Paddy Power will now add a £25.00 bonus to your account. Place this on the draw as well. You will now have £50.00 riding on the draw.
Back Spain U21 with £36.00 at odds of 2.20 (6/5) with Bet On Bet.
Bet On Bet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £61.00 riding on Spain U21.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Bet On Bet site.
Place £28.00 on Germany U21 at odds of 3.25 with Bet 24.
Bet 24 will now add a £14.00 bonus to your account. Place this on Germany U21 as well. You will now have £42.00 riding on Germany U21.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid
question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £89.00 on the Spain U21 v Germany U21 match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If it's a draw, you collect £135.00 from Paddy Power.
If Spain U21 win, you collect £134.20 from Bet On Bet.
If Germany U21 win, you collect £136.50 from Bet 24.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Spain U21 v Germany U21 match is Spain U21 win and you make £45.20 profit. However, if Germany U21 win you make £47.50 profit and if it is a draw you make £46.00 profit. That's a minimum profit of over 50%, a much better rate of interest than you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies or you may not qualify for the
bonuses/free bets.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet
for you.
There is a wagering requirement at Bet 24. You have to roll your winnings over before we can withdraw them but it is very easy to do this risk-free. If Germany U21 win, please contact us and we'll show you exactly how to do this. Winnings from the other two bookies are immediately withdrawable.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you
won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail
us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that
question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing these kind of bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from
following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our
advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers, which is highly unlikely.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to
claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these next season.
|
|
|
|
