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THE DAILY SNORT 2-9-08
Steve Morley
The Snort
‘Manchester’ and ‘joy’ an oxymoronic fusion if ever there was one
Vidic hits out at nation of TV watchers
Nemanja Vidic, Man Ure’s want away defender has followed up his outburst about Manchester’s sodden climate by encouraging English people to visit his native Serbia where they can experience the delights of a wonderful atmosphere while roasting Croats and Kosovan Muslims on slow turning spits.
The bricklayer turned plumber turned footballer said: “What it is with you English? All you do is work and watch TV, are you crazy? Come to mighty Serbia and we show you some funski. In the balmy summer evenings we drink on the pavement and hurl rocks at foreigners. I think you like this.
“Then for a little more funski we drive to Kosovo and burn a few Muslim homes. If we get bored we find a few Croats and force them to hop through minefields while carrying their TV. This what TV for, not for watching, you lazy pigs.”
Vidic expanded on his theme by pointing out that Russians and Serbians enjoy a similar lifestyle, yet “in England they just don’t have time to feel the joy of life.”
“If we get really bored we start war. It’s really good fun, da. You don’t know what good war feels like. It make heart beat fast with joy and is great for improving sniper skills. Then when war finish you have nice holiday hiding in people’s cottages in deep country side.”
“Vidic then pointed out that too much TV is dangerous. “Why Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili pick fight with Russia? War is good laugh but total annihilation is too far.
He spend too much time watching crazy shit Big Brother. It make him lose his mind, he think he famous or something.
“Now that boring crazy shit make anybody crazy. So turn it off I tell you and enjoy life. Start fight… with your neighbours. Is more fun, da?”
Man City - not waving but drowning
Al-Fahim, the 16th richest Arab in the world and new owner of Manchester City is expected to do a Roman Abramnovich and shower the club with an endless supply of moolah in an attempt to make the tottering Citizens a top four club.
However, amid the suppressed snuffles of a thousand titters, a source reckoned as soon as Al-Fahim realises he’s been turned over “he’ll bugger off back to the sun quicker than you can say Thaksin Shinawatra.”
“He’s been sold a real dummy. First Thaksin told him they were a good football club, then he said there’s a big Mecca in the city but didn’t tell him it was a bingo hall in Moss Side used by Mac 10 toting crack dealers – about 40 of them apparently. Dunno where they got the guns from.”
“It was a really slick move by Thaksin, no wonder he got to be prime minister. He told the Sheikh that there’s nothing more dearer to the heart of an English football fan than an oil rich Arab buying their football club. ‘They love it,’ he said, ‘Absolutely love it.’”
“Then he told the Sheikh that there are more camels in Salford than the Sahara and more palm trees in Stretford than on the Nile. But what really swung it was when Thaksin pointed out that child jockeys can be picked up outside the DSS offices for a tenner.”
“However, as soon as he realises how much it rains in these grim environs he’ll be giving an interview from his Hilton penthouse, surrounded by ten £1,000 an hour call girls, to some anonymous Dubai-based business mag saying how the weather is so bad and the English have no appreciation of the joy of life.”
“Before you know it, he’ll be ditching the club to some asset stripping hedge fund disguised as a benevolent financier claiming to love ‘soccer’ but who can’t name the country’s most successful club and refers to ‘franchises’ when talking about the team.”
“Meanwhile the rest of the country won’t know whether to piss themselves with laughter or cry rivers as the great footballing legacy of Manchester is dissolved in a mountain of debt. Amid the maelstrom they also won’t notice Boro quietly scaling the league. (And don’t say we didn’t warn you.)”
Boroscopes by Mystic Muggles
Well, my frisky little dingoes, it’s been a long time and I’ve been busy discerning the patterns that truly do dominate our lives as you’ll discover. Read on with wonder, awe and amazement:
Mido: By chance did you have a wonderfully privileged upbringing? Where you the apple of you Mom and Dad’s eye? Do you get everything you asked for? Was it the case that all you had to do was bawl, howl, scream and bounce your lovely chubby little feet up and down before being showered with all manner of sweeties? The only problem is now that you’re bigger and such behaviour doesn’t go down to well with the grown ups. Is there a clue in your name; me-dough, me, me, me. Is it all about me? Try changing ‘me’ for ‘we’. This simple little letter arrangement may make a big difference to how people see and treat you. Hell, you may even become a first team player.
Tommy ‘everyman’ Stott: Believe it or not your life resembles that of Mido. That is, the patterns that govern your daily existence were set in stone at an early age but while Mido likes to pout and flounce if he doesn’t get his way you just want to twat everyone. This is understandable. You’re big now and no one is going to terrorise, bugger and petrify you any more. However, the stars are now whispering of a big change, a huge turn around. No longer will people cross the street when they see you, turn out the lights and barricade the front door or immediately dial 999. In fact, you’ll find that people will actually stick around. They’ll make you tea and bring you biscuits, and will probably clean the kitchen floor with their tongue, if you request it. It’s amazing the difference a gun makes, isn’t it?
BACK TO THE DAILY SNORT INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £43.60 ON MANCHESTER CITY v ARSENAL
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