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THE DAILY SNORT 11-11-08
Steve Morley
The Snort
In Defence of the Realm
Tony Pulis, Stoke City’s manager, has defended his decision to deploy an array of military hardware in an attempt to ensure the club stays in the Premiership.
“We received criticism following the Arsenal game but what do you expect from whinging Johnny Foreigner? Do they want us to come out wearing pink hair bands and clutching flowers? Bloody pooftahs. Hell, they’re still complaining about Agincourt six hundred years ago… and whatever you do, don’t mention Waterloo to Arsene.”
When questioned about the installation of two Russian VT55 tanks at the Britannia Stadium, he added:
“This is our home ground, we’ve got to defend it. Right? We’re not just going to roll over. They serve a tactical purpose. Simple.”
But didn’t he think the decommissioned cruise missile positioned on the roof of the stadium was a bit excessive?
“Look I started my career as a defender and I intend to go on as I started. In fact, as we speak, I’ve got Rory Delap and Ryan Shawcross out on the training ground practising swinging a chain and mace. That’ll sort the men out from the French Frogs.”
Explaining his strategic thinking, he said: "You've got to be competitive. Football is a competitive game. It's a game of challenge. It's a team playing against a team. It’s war. By the way, I’ve got a great deal if you’re interested, two rocket launchers for the price of one… I’ll throw in some carrots.”
It’s Mine, Give it Back
Merrill Lynch has revealed that Liverpool FC no longer belongs to George Gillett Jr and Tom Hicks and is now owned by approximately one million Chinese peasants, an Afghan warlord and a Bangkok nightclub owner called Tiddly Wink.
The startling revelation comes as a deadly blow to ShareLiverpoolFC, a group of fans who were hoping to buy back the club.
A source at the bank said ShareLiverpoolFC had engaged Merrill Lynch to help find a buyer: “We discovered that Gillett and Hicks, on the advice of their previous bankers, Lehman Brothers, had repackaged their shares and sold them as guaranteed collateral in order to raise further capital.”
The sale took place on the Shanghai stock exchange where the shares were quickly snapped up by hordes of homeless Chinese peasants, alongside a few astute terrorists and business men.
A Chinese man said: “I kicked out my home by police for Olympics, I eat my dog, so food finish and I now live under tree but it bloody mavelous, I big fat capitalist now. I think I open take away in Luton.”
Fierce Afghan warlord, Abdullah Gul, said: “I pass my many shares to two great friends, Osama and Ayman. They now planning to swap for heat-seeking missiles from Georgian arms dealer. Inshallah.”
Tiddly Wink, the owner of‘Girls, Girls, Girls', a raucous Bangkok night club said he bought 50,000 shares and is giving them away in raffles:“It attract more people to club, I velly velly happy. People from all over world like Tanzania, Togo and Nepal now come and win shares. How you say, we spread the love, thank you Liverpool FC.”
John Aldridge, spokesman for ShareLiverpoolFC, said:“Oh shit, pass the smack lar.”
Barton to be Deified
The agent of Newcaaaaaastle's midfield rottweiler, Joey Barton, is aiming for him to become a saint following his road to Damascus conversion.
The startling change in soccer's bad boy behaviour was illustrated in a recent game.
During a particularly feisty spell, Barton only lunged at an opposing player with a flying roundhouse kick to the head, merely garrotted a defender with a boot lace and lazily sunk his index finger into the goalkeeper’s eye socket - but unfortunately received a yellow card for arguing with the ref.
Barton said after the match: "The ball came across and the referee gave a free-kick and I was debating - not arguing because I respec the ref, innit - with him because I didn't think it was a free-kick.
Last night the FA confirmed there was no case to be answered and the card was rescinded.
Willie McCash, Barton’s agent, points out that the knife-wielding, Uzi-toting, crack-smoking ‘yoof’ can’t identify with David Beckham or Michael Owen. “They need someone who is real, know what I’m saying? Somebody who’s been on the street, who has done a bit of bird and shared his peter with a council-tax evader from Carlisle, know what I’m saying?
“Joey’s changing; it’s clear for all to see and as we are speaking, there are talks taking place with Cardinals in the Vatican to establish Joey’s deification.”
“The deal is nearly done, we’re just haggling over the price."
BACK TO THE DAILY SNORT INDEX
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £45.20 ON SPAIN U21 v GERMANY U21
The European U-21 Championship kicks off on Monday and did you know that it is possible to win money on Monday evening's clash between Spain U21 and Germany U21, whatever the result?
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Also, please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using,
you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail
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If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £89.00 on the Spain U21 v Germany U21 match and we will collect £134.20 if Spain U21 win, £136.50 if Germany U21 win and £135.00 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of over 50%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
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Bet On Bet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £61.00 riding on Spain U21.
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You have temporarily laid out a total of £89.00 on the Spain U21 v Germany U21 match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If it's a draw, you collect £135.00 from Paddy Power.
If Spain U21 win, you collect £134.20 from Bet On Bet.
If Germany U21 win, you collect £136.50 from Bet 24.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Spain U21 v Germany U21 match is Spain U21 win and you make £45.20 profit. However, if Germany U21 win you make £47.50 profit and if it is a draw you make £46.00 profit. That's a minimum profit of over 50%, a much better rate of interest than you would get at any high street bank or building society.
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Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet
for you.
There is a wagering requirement at Bet 24. You have to roll your winnings over before we can withdraw them but it is very easy to do this risk-free. If Germany U21 win, please contact us and we'll show you exactly how to do this. Winnings from the other two bookies are immediately withdrawable.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you
won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail
us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that
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The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to
claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these next season.
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