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WOMEN AND FOOTBALL GROUNDS
With thanks to Ben Ferguson
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play.
2. Pitches vary from the well grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember, it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence. Check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five a side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley. Also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent upon subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie.
16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead
22. Players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.
BACK TO FOOTBALL FUNNIES INDEX
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £40.00 ON NOTTINGHAM FOREST v READING
Here we go again - the season is about to begin! And did you know that it is possible to win money on Sunday afternoon's Championship clash between Nottingham Forest and Reading, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 1.15pm and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £40.00, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £40.00 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £89.00 on the Nottingham Forest v Reading match and we will collect £131.26 if Nottingham Forest win, £130.04 if Reading win and £129.00 if it's a draw. That's a minimum profit of 45%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Coral. It is really important that you enter the bonus code of CORALTD when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of BFB425 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet
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This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £22.00 into your new Coral account.
Deposit £42.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £22.00 on the draw at 3.25 (9/4) with Coral.
Coral will now add a £10.00 bonus to your account. Place this on the draw as well. You will now have £32.00 riding on the draw.
Back Reading with £42.00 at 2.58 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on Nottingham Forest at 2.68 (13/8) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on Nottingham Forest.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £89.00 on the Nottingham Forest v Reading match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If it's a draw, you collect £129.00. That's £104.00 from Coral plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Reading win, you collect £130.04. That's £105.04 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Nottingham Forest win you collect £131.26. That's £106.26 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Nottingham Forest v Reading match is it is a draw and you make £40.00 profit. However, if Reading win you make £41.04 and if Nottingham Forest win you make £42.26. That's a minimum profit of 45%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the two bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for four seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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