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NOT ALLOWED INTO GROUND
There is a sign outside The Riverside in a few different places, instructing supporters that they are not allowed to bring certain items into the stadium. Well, when we first saw it, we thought that it was crying out to have the piss taken out of it in a big way.
So we have decided to add to it. Here's the ComeOnBoro.com list of things that we think should not be allowed into The Riverside Stadium.
1. Leeds United fans.
2. Pens, toothpicks, scissors, nuclear and chemical weapons.
3. Thierry Henry, Robert Pires or any other Arsenal strikers for that matter.
4. Charlie Amer- for obvious reasons.
5. That annoying crowd member who shouts tactics to the team as the game is in progress.
6. Freddy Shephard.
7. The opposition- it would make for boring matches as we would win all the time but that's never bothered United fans has it?
8. Gay Pride demonstrations.
9. Chewing gum- Alex Ferguson is just going to have to bloody well suffer, isn't he? I think this will help us as I am convinced that he is powered by excessive mastication. What else can it be? So without his gum I think he'll just switch off and collapse or something- he'll probably go down faster than a sex-starved whore in Amsterdam. And then we've got a guaranteed win on the cards. Unless McClaren's defensive policy fucks it up for us.
10. The Wimbledon Tennis Championships. Although, in tennis you are supposed to send the ball high over the net, so this may be useful for Mendi.
11. Aircraft, particularly those going to Australia, which should be kept well away from the ground in case Viduka has the urge to board one and go off for an extended holiday to look after his grandfather for the forty-fourth time or whatever.
12. Saddam Hussein, Fidel Castro, Mullar Omah or any other third world despot attempting to 'do a Gaddafi' and buy a Premier League football club.
13. Mikkel Beck and Michael Ricketts. Unless they are playing for the opposition.
14. Anyone who has ever laughed at a John Motson/ Clive Tyldesley joke.
15. Mark Page and his God-awful chirpy optimism. I've just had five pints mate, the last thing I want is you screaming over the tannoy at me. Jesus!
16. Mark Page and his God-awful record collection, particularly when it is used after we score or when he makes the crowd clap along to it. I can tell you where I would like to stick his frigging Pig-bag. And I'm not talking about the song either!..
17. Those awful orange macs the stewards have to wear. If they're doing a humiliating job then my view is that they should be made to wear humiliating attire. Like flowered garlands round their necks and grass skirts. Maybe they can hold miniature ukuleles or something too. Plus they should be made to hold pom-poms and conduct the crowd chants- that'll generate a bit of desperately needed atmosphere, particularly in the West Stand- whilst showing off their pink frilly knickers in the middle of the can-can they are made to do at fifteen minute intervals. That'll make them think twice before remonstrating against me for standing up and saying the word 'bloody' I can tell you. Not that I'm bitter of course..
18. People who leave the game 10 minutes from the end, particularly if the score is still 0-0 or if one of the teams is only one goal up. How annoying are these people? As they leave they block your view of the action, they make you have to stand up to let the fuckers get past and for what? So they can get to the traffic jam a few minutes earlier. Honestly, just think of how much money they throw away if they do this at every game of the season. It's ridiculous. Tie the bastards to the chairs, that's what I say, and make them watch those last 10 minutes. Surely the football at the Boro isn't so bad that you have to miss a good portion of it?
19. Floodlights- if it's a night-time kick-off then you should play in the dark. If you don't like it, arrange the match for a time when it's light! Anyway, it would add to the fun hearing all the players running into each other and not being able to find the ball. A bit like a standard Leeds United game in that respect then.
20. The phrase 'Family Fun Day' as in my experience a day out with your family is never fun. I'd rather listen to Mark Page's record collection on loop.
21. Steve, Packwolf, Wiz and Timmy in the stadium at the same time. The last time that happened we promptly lost 5-1 in our worst performance of the season at Pompey, 15 May 2004. Fate should not be tempted.
22. Toilets. Your seat should have that facility built into it dammit, so if you need to go, then you don't miss any of the match!!
23. Anyone who thinks Middlesbrough has two o's in it.
24. Alistair Brownlee when his voice exceeds the level of 140dB. For the sake of the public good.
25. The Transporter Bridge.
Do not try to take The Transporter Bridge into the ground!
.And now, some items that the powers that be seem to be on the verge of banning.
1. A 20 goal a season striker... but watch this space...
2. Atmosphere. This is currently strictly licensed and is only permitted in the North Stand.
3. Working class roots.
4. Swearing or passionate support of The Boro.
5. A scoreboard.
6. Some paint for the dull bland concourses of the stadium.
7. Decent lager and beer.
If you have any other bright ideas about what should not be allowed into the ground, then please send them in. If we like them, we'll pubish them...
BACK TO FOOTBALL FUNNIES INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £43.60 ON MANCHESTER CITY v ARSENAL
The Premier League returns to action this weekend and did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's clash between Manchester City and Arsenal, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £43.60, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £43.60 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match and we will collect £154.60 if Arsenal win, £155.00 if Manchester City win and £156.86 if it is a draw. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Sky Bet .
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of FTB125 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £48.00 into your new Sky Bet
account.
Deposit £38.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £48.00 on Arsenal at 6/5 with Sky Bet
.
Sky Bet will now add a £20.00 free bet to your account. Place this on Arsenal as well. You will now have £68.00 riding on Arsenal.
Back the draw with £38.00 at 3.6 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on Manchester City at 3.1 (21/10) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on Manchester City.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Arsenal win, you collect £154.60. That's £129.60 from Sky Bet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £156.86. That's £131.86 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Manchester City win you collect £155.00. That's £130.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Manchester City v Arsenal match is Arsenal win and you make £43.60 profit. However, if Manchester City win you make £44.00 and if it's a draw win you make £45.86. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing arbitrage bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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