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A WEEK WITH SOUEY AT ST JAMES'
Monday
Newcastle United unveil their new manager Graeme Souness at St. James' Park. Chairman Freddie Shepherd states he's "delighted" to have landed one of the "top, young Geordie managers in the game". Souness, the 51-year old Scot and former Boro player promises to deliver "unprecedented success" to the long suffering north-east fans. "My record in Italy, Turkey and at Southampton, Liverpool and Blackburn speaks for itself" he claims. Douglas Hall is ushered from the press conference with a glazed expression and quietly whimpering.
The new Newcastle United manager
Tuesday
Souness attends training in order to meet and greet his new players. Captain Alan Shearer does the introductions and lets Souness know who he'll be picking to play in the next game. Souness readily agrees with Shearer's selection. "Alan is one of the great strikers in the game. Just because he didn't want the managers job it doesn't mean he cannot pick the team. Or select the DVD's we watch on the team coach. Or select the music in the dressing room. Mr Shepherd says so."
Wednesday
At a press conference Souness outlines his vision for Newcastle. "Disicipline is very important at a football club. Players have to look after themselves both on and off the pitch. I find it intolerable that any player in mine and Alan's team would behave in a manner which might bring disrepute to the club. That is why I have imposed a 9pm curfew on the players in the 3 days leading up to a game. With all the mid-week fixtures we have that means the players can only go out on a Sunday. After 'Songs of Praise'." Keiron Dyer, Titus Bramble, Lee Bowyer, Olivier Bernard, Laurent Robert, Craig Bellamy, Jermaine Jenas, Shola Ameobi and Aaron Hughes all submit written transfer requests.
Thursday
In a further bid to instill the "mental toughness" and "discipline" he requires from his players Souness arranges a physical and mental 'bonding' session in the Cairngorms. The players are told to make their own way to the venue and are instructed to take a book to meditate on, a Swiss Army knife, a torch and sufficient food and water to last them for 3 days, as no meals will be provided. Alan Shearer is the first to arrive, on time and with the correct items. Most of the players arrive by lunch time. However Keiron Dyer doesn't join the group until 3pm on the second day. He blames his late arrival on the fact that British Airways only fly to Aberdeen on alternate days and he couldn't find any 'proper' Louis Vuitton luggage in Auchtermuchty. Also he lost his copy of 'The Gruffalo' and had to wait to have another couriered to him.
Friday
During the 'Search and Destroy' mission in the Uckle-Muckle Forest it becomes apparent that some participants are taking their instructions too literally. The local McDonalds has been firebombed by a group including Bowyer, Bramble and Jenas and the Presbyterian chapel converted into a 'Hardcore Rave and lapdancing club' with rooms set aside for 'the Roast'. Several local women are transferred to Glasgow Royal Infirmary to be treated for shock after going to the 'Roast Room' and asking for a 'hot meat sandwich'. The outraged Souness promises drastic action. "I'll speak to the chairman and Mr Shearer and those responsible will be severely punished. The players will all travel together in future and I'll limit them to £10 a day pocket money". Keiron Dyer submits another transfer request.
Saturday
In a strange twist of fate Newcastle's first game under their new manager is against his old club Blackburn. Although not directly responsible for first team affairs until the following Monday, Souness lets slip that he has had significant input in the selection process and tactics to be employed. "Alan kindly let me pin up the team sheet in the dressing room and give the second copy to the referee" he says. "I also got to pass the numbers to the fourth official when Alan made the substitutions". In a bad tempered game Newcastle lose 0-3. After the game Souness is quoted as saying "I never knew Blackburn could play like that. They never did in the last 18 months I was there". Crowd trouble erupts after the game when irate Newcastle fans try to force Souness onto one of the Blackburn supporters coaches, only to be turned back by hysterically laughing Rovers fans. "'E's your problem now lads" is overheard from one of the Lancastrian supporters.
Sunday
The local press report the fans reactions to the appointment of Souness and their opinions of the change in playing style the previous day;
"Obviously yesterday was a disappointment. To lose 3-0 at home to a team 2 places below us isn't good enough. Souness' experiment in playing Robert at centre-half didn't seem to work, nor did his tactics of playing 7 across midfield and lumping the ball to Shearer all the time. And if Craig Bellamy is a goalkeeper I'll eat my hat" - Geordie Knacker Dan, Walker.
"If I'm going to pay £500 a season to watch Newcastle I expect us to lose with style, the way we did just after the club was formed and that Kevin fella was the manager. I'm not having that performance yesterday again. Souness out" - Billy Boots, Gosforth.
"Whooooop ding Klerrrrrnnnnnnk wibble. What was that man? I'll tell yerz it was a wanking camel in the poss tub with a side order of squirrel flange in Jus-Rol pastry that was. Anyway I'm oot on the toon the neet if I can get me zebra top ower me heed to show me hawaiian shorts to all the dorty bords in Baja. Fancy a swally?" Paully Paul McPaulster, Hebburn.
Newcastle announce "with regret" that Souness has been "relieved of his duties forthwith". Cilla Black is to "act as stop gap manager" until Alan decides who he wants next."
Oh dear...
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