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THE BIG BOOK OF LEEDS UNITED JOKES
We're Leeds United - we'll never be defeated! They won't be singing that any more, especially now that we have swapped our worst player Ricketts for their best player, Viduka. See you in a few years lads. Maybe.
There's this very religious young boy who is going to the Vatican with his mum to see the Pope. The boy is a bit worried about whether or not they will see the Pope amongst the thousands of people. So his mum says "Don't worry son, the Pope is a big football fan so I'll buy you a Middlesbrough strip, the Pope will see the famous Middlesbrough colours and he'll talk to you.
So they buy the strip and the boy wears it whilst they are standing in the crowd as the Pope goes along in his Popemobile. Next thing John Paul stops the Popemobile and gets out to talk to a different little boy wearing a Leeds United top. Then he gets back into the mobile and it drives right past the Middlesbrough fan.
The little boy is very upset and is in tears. Don't worry says his mum I'll buy you a Leeds United strip, we'll come back tomorrow and then the Pope is guaranteed to stop and talk to you.
So they are back the next day now wearing the Leeds United shirt. The Popemobile comes along and the boy is all excited. Next thing the Popemobile stops, then John Paul gets out, bends down to talk to the little boy and says "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday..."
(Thanks to Katharine Sherwood)
Richard Branson calls the Leeds United Commercial Manager to see if they are in need of some sponsorship. Richard is thanked for his offer but LUFC management consider it inappropriate to wear the Virgin logo when they are getting fucked every Saturday afternoon..!!
A man desperate at Leeds' current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Leeds kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Leeds kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why. The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."
Blackwell buys a new Kosovan striker to help Leeds reach safety in the 1st Division. It turns out that his debut is against Man United in the FA Cup. The lad plays and scores a hat trick and after the game runs to the dressing room to phone his mum.
"Mam, mam, I LOVE it here ! I scored a hat trick against United, the crowd were cheering my name, everyone loves me, it's great !!!"
She replies "Well I'm glad you're fucking happy! Do you realise your sister's been raped, your Dad shot, and the house has been burnt down, and it's all your fault!"
"How is it my fault?" he replies.
Says she "Well, it was your fucking idea to move to Leeds, wasn't it!?"
Alan Smith and Paul Robinson crying after another lousy performance
Network Rail have decided to start sponsoring Leeds. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
Today is Lucas Radebe's 26th birthday and he will be having a meal with his team-mates tonight. However, they will have to eat with their hands as they have no silverware
Q: What's the difference between Paul Robinson and a taxi driver?
A: A taxi driver only lets in four at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a pyromaniac and Leeds football club?
A: A Pyromaniac wouldn't throw away all his matches!
The Professor. Clueless.
Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing? A: It's five past three.
There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up and said that he could tell a Leeds joke.
Suddenly a bloke in the back of the bus said, "No, don`t do that. I`m a Leeds fan."
The guide looked at him and said, "That`s okay. We`ll explain it to you afterwards."
Robinson is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to end it all. He walks straight out of Elland Road and throws himself down in front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him.
Why do people take an instant dislike to anyone from Leeds?
It saves time
Relegation can sometimes make you feel emotional
Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Derby hat over one breast. The second guy, a Leicester City fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Leeds fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Derby hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the City hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Leeds fans hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Leeds fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?". The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Leeds hats, there's an arsehole under it."
David O'Leary- happy that his football team are so popular.
Leeds chairman Gerald Krasner is walking down the street when he sees an old women struggling with her shopping: Krasner: Can you manage love? Old lady: Fuck off - I don't want the job either!
Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
Well, they had photos of Leeds United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: How many Leeds fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.
Q. What would you call a pregnant Leeds United fan?
A: A dope carrier.
Woodgate and Bowyer on the day they went on trial
Q. What do you call a Leeds United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Michael Barrymore has offered Leeds United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 arseholes jumping up and down.
Q: What do Leeds fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How many Leeds supporters does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: What do you call a Leeds fan with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.
"NOOO!! I surrender. Please don't make me manager!!"
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Leeds Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a vibrator?
A: A Leeds fan is a real dick.
Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Elland Road?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury, Old Trafford and The Riverside.
Q: If you see a Leeds fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve and hit him?
A: You don't want to damage your bike, do you?
Peter became a much liked chairman because he would always take the fans point of view into consideration
It's with great sadness that I report that Elland Road was broken into last night. The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. West Yorkshire police are believed to be looking for a man with a green carpet.
Q: What would you call 2 Leeds fans going over a cliff in a green Renualt Espace?
A: A complete waste of space. You could have squeezed 8 of them into one of those.
An old man hands over 50 quid to the turnstyle operator at Elland Road.
Man: Two please.
Turnstyle Operator: Sir, will that be Defenders or Strikers?
A streaker at Elland Road. Is the steward Kevin Blackwell?
Elland Road directors called an urgent meeting last night. It's alleged they are considering the replacement of Michael Ricketts with Steven Hendry. When asked why, they replied: "We don't just need the points now, we need snookers!"
Alan Smith's wife wanted him locked up - she had had enough of the idiot. So she went to the police and told them: "Please Help, my husband has been hitting me."
The Police gave sound advice: "Ma'am, don't worry. Just carry a goalpost in each hand - I guarantee he'll never hit you."
There's a rumour that for next season, Leeds have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.
Q: What's the difference between Leeds United and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket...
Leeds are beaten in the 1973 FA Cup Final by our good friends from Sunderland!
I'm glad to report that a new white Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year. It will be called "Laughing Stock".
Q: Why did the Leeds fan cross the road?
A: 'Cos Ricketts was on shooting practice.
Q: How do you keep a Leeds fan busy?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Kevin Blackwell was caught for speeding on his way to Elland Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
Q: How many Leeds fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, 'cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Businessman Of The Year 2002
Eddie Gray was going to the Leeds halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.
Dominic Matteo walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'
Q: How is a pint of milk different then from Leeds United?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!
Q: What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.
Norman Hunter- One of the dirtiest payers of all time!
Q. What's White and funny?
A: A bus load of Leeds supporters going over a cliff.
There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Elland Road then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...
Q: How do you save a Leeds fan from drowning?
A: Take yer foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a busload of Leeds fans and a hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Leeds fans offer to take Peter to dinner. So they can show their gratitude fo all he has done for them, presumably.
Q: What do haemhorroids and Leeds fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely
Kevin Blackwell is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly.
Eddie Gray asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Eddie, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Gray.
"You bet" says Blackwell."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Eddie Gray walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Gray "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Mrs Gray for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Eddie.
The receptionist replies "Well Eddie, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
The Revie team, who cheated their way to quite a few trophies in the 60's and 70's. Did anybody read what Cloughie said about Les Cocker in his autobiography?
Billy Bremner walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, Billy?'
Bremner replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'
Q: How many Leeds fans can you get in a police car?
A: One in the front, one in the back, and one on top going "nee naw neee naww neee naw"
Q: Why did the Leeds fan climb the glass window?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a chimp?
A: Ones hairy, stupid and smells, and the other is a chimpanzee.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "I'm a bit worried - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Of course," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Leeds fans come from?"
Peter Ridsdale and Tel. A match made in heaven. But not for Leeds fans.
Q: Why is the pitch at Elland Road so green?
A: Because they keep putting lots of shit on it.
Q: How do you kill a Leeds fan when he's been drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head.
Q: How many Leeds fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Leeds...
Q: What's is the difference between Pamela Anderson and the Leeds goalkeeper?
A: Pam's only got two tits in front of her
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Leeds supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.
Q: How can you tell a level headed Leeds supporter?
A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Leeds fan with a pig?
A: Thick bacon...
Newsflash: Thieves broke into the home of a Leeds fan and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"
Two games of the 2003/04 season left and Leeds are down.
Q: What do you get if you cross a monkey with a Leeds?
A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Tyke.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Leeds fan?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Fire brigade phones Kevin Blackwell in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Kevin, Elland Road is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Blackwell.
"Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Q: What do Leeds fans and laxatives have in common?
A: Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.
Q: What's the ideal weight for a Leeds supporter?
A: 3 pounds...that's including the Urn.
Every time Big Roger attends a Leeds game he books 2 seats. One to sit in, the other to throw when the fighting starts.
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Leeds fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
Elland Road for sale on EBay, 13-7-04. Hit image for larger picture
Q. Two Leeds fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?
A: Who gives a fuck!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Leeds Fan with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
Q: What do you call a Leeds fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.
Q: What do you call 100 Leeds fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all the Leeds fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved
Q: How do you define 144 Leeds fans?
A: Gross Stupidity
Desperate measures were taken. They didn't work.
Q: Why did Leeds United go on the stock exchange?
A: To prove that crap can float.
Q: What is the difference between Alan Smith and a mini?
A: A mini can only carry three passengers.
Q. Why do Leeds fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A: So they know which end to wipe!
Q: What's the difference between a Leeds supporter and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a Leeds fan!
Q: What do Leeds keepers and singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
A: Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
Q: What does Kevin Blackwell say when Leeds score?
A: Fantastic. Now let us try to get a goal at other end of pitch.
But this signing has to be the most desperate measure of all
Two Leeds fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says "Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-down will we fall out?"
"No way Richard," says his mate "of course we'll still be pals!!"
Q: You're trapped in a room with a lion, cobra snake and a Leeds fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Leeds Fan. Twice.
Q: What is the difference between Leeds United and a cup of tea?
A: The tea stays in the cup longer!
Q: What do you call a Leeds fan in a suit?
A: The accused.
Boro old boys reunion
How did you enjoy your holiday in Israel?'
'Smashing!'
'Did you visit the Wailing Wall?'
'Yes - but I couldn't get anyway near it for Leeds supporters!'
Q: Why did God make Leeds supporters smelly?
A: So blind people could laugh at them too!
Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tv.
Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "Leeds have lost again."
The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."
Q: What do you call 100 Leeds supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!
Q: What do you call a dead Leeds Fan in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.
The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Leeds are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: What do you say to a Leeds supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo
Q: What do you call a Leeds fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.
Q. What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.
Q: What has 70,000 arms and an IQ of 170
A: Elland road every other Saturday.
Q: What do you call a Leeds fan in a 2 bedroomed semi?
A: A burglar
Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing?
A: It's five past three.
Don't worry. I'll come back if you ever get back in the Prem.
Q: What did Lee Bowyer say when he took a girl out for the night?
A: Fancy an Indian?
Q: What do you call 20 Leeds fans sky-diving?
A: Diarrhoea
Q: What have General Pinochet and Leeds United have in common?
A: They both round people up into football stadiums and torture them.
Elland Road Boss Gerald Krasner has sacked Kevin Blackwell and employed a new Chinese manager.
His name: Win One Soon
Q: What do you say to a Leeds United fan with a job?
A: Can I have a Big Mac please!
BACK TO FOOTBALL FUNNIES INDEX
CREDIT CRUNCH RELIEF - A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £43.60 ON MANCHESTER CITY v ARSENAL
The Premier League returns to action this weekend and did you know that it is possible to win money on Saturday afternoon's clash between Manchester City and Arsenal, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 3.00pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £43.60, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £43.60 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match and we will collect £154.60 if Arsenal win, £155.00 if Manchester City win and £156.86 if it is a draw. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Sky Bet .
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of FTB125 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £48.00 into your new Sky Bet
account.
Deposit £38.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £48.00 on Arsenal at 6/5 with Sky Bet
.
Sky Bet will now add a £20.00 free bet to your account. Place this on Arsenal as well. You will now have £68.00 riding on Arsenal.
Back the draw with £38.00 at 3.6 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on Manchester City at 3.1 (21/10) with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on Manchester City.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £111.00 on the Manchester City v Arsenal match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Arsenal win, you collect £154.60. That's £129.60 from Sky Bet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw, you collect £156.86. That's £131.86 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Manchester City win you collect £155.00. That's £130.00 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Manchester City v Arsenal match is Arsenal win and you make £43.60 profit. However, if Manchester City win you make £44.00 and if it's a draw win you make £45.86. That's a minimum profit of 39%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing arbitrage bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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