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THE ROSE AND CROWN
A pub team wrote to all the Premiership clubs offering their players on loan with a little description of each player. At the bottom of this page is the response that they received from then Boro boss Bryan Robson.
'At this stage of the season a number of clubs may take players on loan to help them through to the end of the season. We would therefore like to introduce you to our club, Rose & Crown FC, and some of our players.
Attached is a brief synopsis of a few of our personnel who would be happy to help you through to the end of the season, prone as it is to fixture congestion. It should be noted that none of them are cup tied for any major tournaments. We have a squad of sixteen, and all are available in this offer but we could only loan out two or three players at a time as we also have a season to finish. As I am sure you will agree, a synopsis on all sixteen would not have been an easy read, and we do not want to waste too much of your time.
It is only fair that we inform you that our players have also been offered to the other Premiership clubs, so we will operate on a first come first serve basis.
In addition to the above, should you have any players who need some first team experience, we may also be interested in a temporary deal. Obviously we would not be able to pay any wages, and the player concerned would need to pay their £4 subs each game and help put up and take down the nets. We do have Shirts, but arriving early for the games is advisable as some of them are particularly threadbare, and the last one in the changing room always ends up with the dodgy ones. They should also bring with them shorts and socks, as we seem to have mislaid most of those that we had.
Should you or any of your staff wish to see the complete lack of talent in our side, our home games are played at Pitch 3, Grange Paddocks, Bishops Stortford, Herts. And they kick off at 10.30AM on Sunday mornings
Stuart Purton, Age 31, Defence.
A regular member of the Rose and Crown first team for over 10 years. His career has seen him move from a wide midfield role, to wing back, and now to centre back. He still has a turn of pace, but can only use it once per half. His only failings are the fact that he's not very good in the air, he gets nose-bleeds in the oppositions half, and has an irritating habit of apologising to players he has just tackled. He also believes that his left foot is only for standing on..
Matt Howard, Age 31,Substitute.
A versatile player, and as a qualified referee, makes a great linesman when he starts on the bench. Can be utilised at right back, or in midfield, and what he lacks in style and agility he more than makes up for in effort. Drawbacks include the turning circle of an ocean going liner and an inability to keep his eyes open when he heads the ball.
Ian Mills, Age (We'd rather not know.) Player/Coach.
A versatile player who is happiest at right back or the right hand side of midfield. His coaching and tactical knowledge are spoken of in hushed tones around the pubs of Bishops Stortford (in case he overhears and takes offence). An inability to last 90 minutes due to his advancing age means he is now more coach than player, but always a useful weapon to bring on near the end once the game is beyond the point of rescue.
Martin Cockburn, Age 36, Central Midfield.
Some might crudely describe this player's raison d'etre as a big fat northern bloke to hit free kicks at, but his game possesses so much more. He is from Sunderland so his amusing accent keeps us all cheerful, and calling him a Geordie never fails to raise a chuckle from him. He has made creditable appearances as both defender and goalkeeper, and even left the team for a year to be a referee, so he has a wide knowledge of the game, a jack-of-all-trades you might say. He will require the provision of a driver if signed.
Paul Morley, Age 30, Centre Forward.
Previously with a team in the Terry Ried West Essex Sunday Premier League, this tenacious forward is used to playing on the big stage. His work rate is phenomenal, but due to the complete lack of service from his colleagues, more often than not it is completely to no avail. Mostly an unknown quantity, the jury is still out as to whether he's any good or not.
Paul O'Brien, Age 28, Defence.
Normally found on holiday, but when he does appear on the pitch he usually plays at right back. (A right footed player at left back and a left footed player at right back is one of Mr Mills great ideas.) In recent years has tried to become a wing back, but his forays in to the oppositions half succeed only in leaving a big gap at the back. Always good in a goalmouth scramble, at which we get a lot of practice. Couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo when trying to score at the other end though.
And here's the reply from Robbo. Click the letter for a larger version.
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