ARE YOU FROM TEESSIDE?
A Penguin Jack Special

Take the ultimate test now. But only if yer hard enough.

Choose either A, B, C or D and at the end, mark yourself according to the scale. Then sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge that you a true Smog monster.

Question 1;

Have you ever been to Macmillans/ Club M / Tall Trees in Yarm and at 2.30 in the morning with no money at all between you and your mates, you get a taxi back to Boro only to jump out at the nearest traffic lights near your home and run like fuck?

A) No. never been to Yarm on a night out.
B) I thought about it once but bottled it.
C) Yeh. I did it once but never again. Avoided getting a Boro taxi for months.
D) Used to do it every week but jump out near Whinney Banks so the taxi driver wouldn't dare chase me thru' the Bronx.

Question 2;

Did you ever buy food from the Boro Fish Bar with its famous raw battered sausage and live to tell the tale?

A) No. I wouldn't dare. The place was fucking stinking.
B) I once bought a can of coke there but no food. I was too scared.
C) The couple of times I did it was fucking rancid.
D) Too right I did. I used to take all my girlfriends there on our first date to prove how hard I was.

Question 3;

Middlesbrough's most famous sons are Chubby Brown and Chris Rea. Do you have any tales to tell on how you knew them before they where famous etc., like every fucker else in Boro?

A) No. Not at all and I never knew anyone who claimed to know them.
B) Yeh. I once saw Chris in the Cleveland years ago. Nice guy he was.
C) My uncle's next-door neighbour used to work with Chubby's sister. Honest.
D) I am a personal friend of both of them and have been for many years.

Question 4;

When John Hendrie scored his wonder goal at home against Millwall in 1990, where did he start his run before beating every player on the pitch and scoring into the Holgate goal?

A) Dunno. I only started supporting Boro when they moved to the Riverside under Robbo.
B) He got the ball on the edge on the Boro box and ran and ran.
c) I saw him selling programs outside the Yellow Rose when the ball came to him and he went all the way.
d) I was in Maddisons the night before and I saw John take the ball down whilst on the dance floor and run towards Linthorpe.

Question 5;

On a night out you feel a bit peckish and look for something to eat on the way home. What do you do?

A) Leave it and have a slice of toast when you get in.
B) MacDonald's is always handy this time of night. A good safe bet.
C) Maybe a donner kebab with garlic and chilli.
D) A fucking huge deep fried piece of chicken or pork with heart attack inducing thick cheese sauce melted on top called a parmo with chips and salad served by a dodgy looking asylum seeker type on Linthorpe Road.

Question 6;

How do you react when someone from the south of England mistakenly asks if you're a Geordie?

A) Nod and say 'well I am from the same region but not quite a Geordie.'
B) Politely tell them that you are from Teesside, which is around 40 miles from Tyneside.
C) Tut and tell them in no uncertain terms that you are not a Geordie.
D) No, I am fucking not a Geordie. I am a smog monster and proud of it you queer Cockney twat.

Question 7;

As a child, where did your family holidays take place?

A) Somewhere nice and hot. The Mediterranean mainly.
B) Normally we got that crap coach to Salou with half of Berwick Hills for two weeks.
C) Scarborough. Two weeks at the Blue Dolphin Holiday Park. It was fucking freezing.
D) Seaton Carew. My old man didn't like going anywhere fancy so we spent a week in Seaton playing bingo and breathing in the nuclear fumes from Hartlepool power station.

Question 8;

Where in Boro do you buy your clothes from?

A) Burton's, Top Man etc. Nothing too flash really.
B) River Island or somewhere like that. A bit more pricey.
C) Next or Marks and Spencers. Quality counts in the fashion stakes.
D) Buy your clothes from all three of the above but swear blind to your mates in the Cleveland that you got this shirt from Psyche and it cost £200, honest.

Question 9;

On a night out in Teesside, you meet a seemingly nice girl in a club and she asks you back to her place. On arrival in Hardwick, Stockton, you realise she may not be quite the girl she claimed to be. Do you...?

A) Jump back in the taxi and lock all the doors and tell the driver to get his foot down, sharpish.
B) Stay for a coffee to be polite and sit on the floor next to a pile of dirty nappies until you can make your excuses and leave.
C) Get in there and do the business. Any hole is a goal etc., but give her your best mate's mobile number instead of yours.
D) Fall in love on the spot, bring up her 13 kids as your own and become a crack smoking benefit claiming piece of dirt for the rest of your life.

And finally, question 10;

What number bus do you get from Middlesbrough bus station to Redcar?

A) No idea at all. Never bother with buses or Redcar.
B) The 37 via Norton and Stockton.
C) The 63 via Lazenby.
D) The 263 which used to be a big red United double decker bus costing 50p to Redcar when I used to nick off school down the arcades till my old man found out and beat the crap out of me with his belt.

How did you score ?????

Mostly A's

You're a fraud and have never been a Smoggie. I suggest you get a few scraps on Linny Road under your belt and bang a couple of birds from West Lane before you even think about calling yourself a Teessider.

Mostly B's and C's

Nearly there mate. A parmo or two and a pint of Worthy and you will be well on the way. Maybe even a tattoo of the Transporter Bridge on your upper arm will do the trick. That and a copy of Chris Rea's Shamrock Diaries on LP and you will soon be the toast of Teesside.

Mostly D's

Now then gadge. Yer a Teessider if I ever met one. Up the Boro eh! Remember the strippers in the Garden City on a Sunday? Fucking class, mate. I am off to The Europa for a carry out. See ya later. Yes, you are a true Teessider and may the smog clouds always hang over you.