BORO PARMOS

We intend to munch our way through one of each of the hundreds of different Parmos available in Boro before the season is over in May 2006 and you can follow our progress right here on these pages. But we may need some help, so if you want to join in our gluttonous project, please get in touch ... burp...



The Europa, Borough Road

Escalope Parmesan

This was the one that I had been looking forward to. The Europa. They even sing songs about this place in the ground and when we discovered the famous old establishment open for business, I drooled in anticipation at the thought of what should be THE definitive Parmo, the parmo de la parmos. The puppy's plums of a slab of cheese coated veal.

It simply had to be escalope because after all, you don't go into a Spanish sea food restaurant and order steak and chips now. The original parmo in the original parmo place. How nice to get a sit down for a change. This was the day when we graduated from the usual park benches and pub beer gardens in the pouring rain and took the parmo eating experience to a new sophisticated level. Hell, we even had knives and forks this time round.

Duly, it arrived and what a sight! Four pounds - I'm guessing - of lovingly crafted parmesan with a cheese coating so thick that if I had fallen into it, I would have had trouble getting out alive. And I could have dived into it as well because it looked that great. And I actually enjoyed the chips and salad this time round as well, despite crunching down on another half an unchopped onion which gave me that nasal variety of a 'wire brush pull through' again. I wish Teesside Uni would run a 'salad chopping' course.

This was a really great parmo in quality, size, cheese to meat ratio and for the whole experience really and it was actually as grease free as it could be as well. Top marks to The Europa. We will see you again for sure.

As a footnote, a couple of very pedantic observations. I was surprised to find only two different parmos on the menu. Maybe they just stick to the originals in The Europa? They also tried to pass off canned McEwan's Export as draught bitter but I can live with that because I'd had enough liquid by this time anyway. And it was cheddar for definite, not parmesan but in no way did that spoil the meal.

All in all, a great parmo experience that will be hard to top.
SG

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The Chipp-In, Marton Road (opposite Longlands Hotel)

Regular Parmesan

The search for a decent sit down place to enjoy a parmo in comfort continued on the night of the Egalio game and once again, was unsuccessful. I had sworn that I was going to avoid dining on a park bench this time round and although we actually managed to achieve that, the conditions were by far the worst that we have yet experienced.

The Chipp-In on Marton Road is not your regular parmo place. It's more of a chippy really and our intention was to continue our munch-fest in the centre of town. Time restraints however deemed that we needed to partake as close as possible to where we were staying and the large lettering outside the Chipp offering two parmos at a very good price made the decision for us.

The White Rose was just opposite The Chipp-In and its outside seats seemed like the ideal place to set up table. As I sampled the first mouthfuls of one of the best parmos we have tasted so far, down came the rain.

As it teamed down and we became slowly wetter and wetter in the ensuing downpour, I couldn't help but notice that parmo grease doesn't float. After we escaped the torrents, I felt a small sense of regret that the nicest takeaway salad that I have had in Boro and it must be said, the most succulent parmo (just the right amount of cheese and sauce) had to be bolted down before it was washed away in a river of smog rain. We'll return to The Chipp-In for sure but almost certainly during the Spring or Summertime.
SG

Spicy Parmo

The problem with water is that it makes things wet. The problem with water on parmos is that it has the propensity to dilute the subtle flavours inherent within it, turning a fine stodgy mess into a runny testimony of why more parmo restaurants should be sit in. But this is what faced us in the pouring Boro rain (just that slightly more acidic than Volvic 'natural' mineral water) as we sat outside the White Rose trying to eat our meal as discreetly as possible, so they wouldn't chuck us off the premises. In the end, they probably pitied us, a bit like the random fart at the bus stop come to think of it but this is unnecessary detail. Still a review can nevertheless be garnered and indeed this one is quite positive for despite the conditions, a good dining experience ensued, climaxing in the usual warming sensation of bloatedness and satisfaction.

Cooked to perfection and perfectly succulent, the chicken was moist without being too greasy and the breadcrumbs, although slightly crisp, still gave an interesting dynamic to the parmo eating experience. Indeed the fact that most of the grease came from the cheese is a sign that you are on to a winner, and as the cheese was very generously layered, that made for a lot of grease. Yet it somehow all fit together. The cheese wasn't as rubbery or synthetic as some of the others I have had. Furthermore, it actually had a flavour that was slightly different to that of the cheese on other parmos, which made for a more unique not to say pleasant dining experience. Indeed the cheese peeled away from itself perfectly, demonstrating a good consistency and largely remained fixed atop the parmo, not only aiding convenience but aesthetics as well, which, when you're pissed is of no consequence whatsoever. The pepperoni added a much needed bite without it being too hot, indeed if you want an extreme hotshot then I would recommend elsewhere but if you like moderation in your spiciness then this is the place to go. The pepperoni itself was not too crisp, it being cooked compassionately and this allowed the flavours to seep into the lactose topping, infusing the taste sensation with added depth. The only complaint that can be made is the slightly impoverished garlic portion but when everything else works so well together in terms of a gastronomic taste sensation then you can easily forgive this overlooking. Indeed it may have even spoilt it, making it far too overpowering.

The sundries meanwhile were, as they usually are, average. The chips were cooked very well, crispy whilst not being too dry and soft enough in the middle to warrant a decent mouth-full. The salad meanwhile was generous, onion, lettuce, tomato was all there and complimented the meal very well. It also stayed fresh throughout the duration of the meal, not an easy feat considering the downpour in which we were eating this. The service from the emporium was friendly and courteous as was the free two litre bottle of coke we obtained which, in all honesty, is a perfect hangover cure if you are reaching the end of your night and can't face another beer. Either that or you can stick it in some vodka or JD and again you're away so something for everyone there then. And the same can be said of this restaurant which is one of the better ones we have visited to date. Just next time we'd better find a bus shelter or something.
AM

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Boro Pizzas, 180 Linthorpe Road

Parmesan Special

There was a real sense of anticipation preceding the moment that I bit into my first Parmo for well over a month. I had really missed these delightful and exclusive parcels of stodge and so come the day, the excitement had welled up to such a point that it was really getting difficult to contain it any longer. So the search for a decent sit down place where we could eat with knives and forks was abandoned and Boro Pizza was given the nod, impatience winning the hour and a 'what the hell' shrug of the shoulders response given to the realisation that we would be once again eating our meals with our fingers on a park bench.

The original intention had been to eat two Parmos today, one in the early evening and another around four hours later, so I decided that I would leave the chips and salad and just have the Parmo with nothing else. But as the price was exactly the same with or without chips and salad, I had them anyway, as it seemed stupid not to.

The Parmo Special comes with mushrooms and ham and they serve it in a cardboard pizza box with the chips and salad just lying there, on the cardboard, which I was not so keen on. No problem with food in plastic boxes but when your dinner is touching the cardboard- well, the hygiene element needs to be considered here. Boro Pizza's Parmos are round because they bake them in little cake tins and that took away some of the authenticity value for me.

In short, I was disappointed with this one. The chicken was too thin and the white sauce was too thick and quite frankly, tasted bland. Because of the volume of white sauce, the cheese had melted into it and subsequently diluted its flavour. My final grumble is about the salad. Have you ever bitten into a very large piece of onion, the size of a small tangerine and felt its vapour swirl around your facial insides? Next time, chop the fucker up a bit better lads!

We didn't do the proposed second Parmo of the evening, as this one weighed too heavy on the stomach. Boro Pizza will probably get another crack of the whip but they need to take a long look at how certain things are done before the Parmo inspectors come round and deliver a few strong words.
SG

Parmesan Hotshot

Boro Pizzas. And indeed that may help us solve the problem with this parmo. For in a town that has so many emporiums advertising our national dish in their names, it comes as no surprise that a parmesan from Boro Pizzas feels more like an afterthought than a genuine attempt to cater for our unique tastes. This parmo was so disappointing that it might as well have been prefaced with the phrase 'quick lads all the other places do parmos, we must do them too to gain capital advantage' rather than through any respect for our sacred food source. Indeed upon eating this, it felt as if pizzas were their primary occupation and parmos a mere cursory dalliance, an inferior Italian delight to its more bread-based brethren. This view is strongly supported by the fact that the parmo itself resembled a pizza. Indeed I often had trouble accepting that this was not one, the pepperoni along with its circular shape and its cutting into quarters being extremely misleading, not to mention somewhat off-putting in terms of the general culinary experience. This was enhanced by the lack of succulence in the chicken, although in all honesty this could have been worse as the grease element was gladly kept to a minimum. However what the parmo lacked in grease it comfortably (or should that be uncomfortably) made up for in stodge. Indeed this was by far the stodgiest parmo I have ever come across, lying heavy on the stomach far too early to enable the rest of the meal to be devoured with any semblance of enjoyment whatsoever. Indeed, it started to become a challenge merely to finish it, a challenge that my stomach reacted to rather badly. So much so in fact that I often resorted to the chips in an attempt to quell the pains of hunger without enhancing the ferocious leaden weight that was accumulating in my stomach. This began well before I was even half way through the meal, and by the time I was three quarters finished, the pain was almost unbearable. This had the effect of turning me off the meal, which of course represents rather poor value despite the price being, on face value, rather reasonable. Thus in the end I was unable to finish it and felt a little cheated for the money I paid, which considering, was too high for a parmo of this quality. Plus I dread to think what eating a full one would feel like.

The other thing that contributed to the sickening feeling in my stomach was the excess of both white and garlic source that was spread on the meal. This had the effect of blanketing the taste of the parmo with a bland flavour, which got increasingly more sickening as the dining experience progressed. Furthermore it was this that arguably removed some of the heat away from the Hotshot, which was about as hot as a penguin's testicle sack in a cold spell. Furthermore, the lurid fluorescent orange breadcrumbs coating the chicken were also somewhat off-putting, representing either someone being too liberal with the paprika (which if it was, you couldn't taste it) or a child's 'Art Attack' experiment with builder's sand and a pot of paint.

Yet despite this, I cannot fault the service nor the chips or salad, both of which were reasonable in proportion (although the fat bastard in me could have done with a few more chips to balance out the stodge of the parmo) and tasty enough. Indeed the salad was proportioned almost perfectly, with a generous proportion of both lettuce and onion which is never a bad thing I find. The chips as well were not greasy and were soft enough to present a pleasurable dining experience, indeed they were just the way I like them. But, in terms of analogy, this dining experience was like the support band turning up and blowing the crowd away whilst the main act were lethargic, reticent and quite frankly couldn't be arsed. And in the end, the reviewer and the audience is only ever interested in the main act, and in this case I'm afraid, that reviewer was very disappointed.
AM

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The Pizza Shop- 161 Linthorpe Road

Original Parmesan

With rich cloying cheese this may not be the best parmo to have if all you're after is a light snack or an antidote to modest hunger pangs. However if you are haunted by a serious attack of the post-drinking munchies, or are looking for a good post-match meal then this generously sized parmo is the one for you, as it is tremendously filling. The parmo is adequately, but not excessively proportioned in grease, which is largely present in the thick layer of cheese that is presented on top of it. This cheese however does result in a considerably high arterial busting stodge factor. The chicken itself is thick and tender but its flavour, and indeed texture, is sometimes difficult to discern under the excessive amount of cheese riding pillion upon it. This is exacerbated by the strength of the cheese, which is stronger than most, making the parmo more unique than others but, with such a large portion of it, this strength, an initial advantage increasingly becomes disadvantageous as you munch your way through it. The cheese's thick consistency also adds to the problem and begins to lay heavy on the stomach. The resulting nauseous cheese-high you get as you reach the end of your meal is not necessarily a pleasant one (a bit like looking at a still of Gordon Strachan for a prolonged period of time) but the feeling of satiation certainly is. Thus in summary, if you love cheese then give it a try but if you want to taste dead things or want something less substantial, then it may be wise to look elsewhere.
AM

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Gigi's- 207 Linthorpe Road

Escalope Parmo

Lesson Number One- Parmo is not takeaway food! Do not eat your parmo sitting on a wet wooden bench outside the Star and Garter with your fingers. Although the taste was wonderful, the mess was phenomenal and if you do Parmo as a takeaway, you definitely need a home to go to as well, or a hotel that will allow you to eat it in your room. A little crispy round the edges but most certainly recommended. The coleslaw style salad was average and I didn't bother with the chips. The price was adjusted accordingly, which was good.
SG

Original Parmo

A great greasy treat to end a good night's drinking! The chicken is slightly chewy and tough but perfectly acceptable. This is countered however by the cheese which is melted perfectly on top of the chicken to just the right thickness and consistency. It is reasonably light because of this, there being little stodge factor, but the relative layers of the chicken and the cheese complement each other so perfectly that you cannot really be disappointed. This leaves an almost melt in the mouth experience which cannot fail to impress, without the heaviness or greasiness associated with an over-zealous cheese portion. Despite this however, you still get an adequate portion of grease, but it is not dripping in it, much to the benefit of the flavour and texture of the parmo. The cheese is lighter and more delicate than many of its rivals with a nice mild flavour that compliments the chicken perfectly. This is also enhanced by the crispiness of the batter around the chicken which adds another dimension to the flavoursome experience, albeit another one laden with fat. The chips and salad are edible enough but nothing particularly special. The chip portion is reasonable but the salad is a little thin on the ground and doesn't really have the freshness one would expect of a good salad. The parmo itself is a little thin so don't expect a substantial meal but after a few pints, it is the perfect way to round off the evening. For taste alone, it is certainly worth a visit.
AM

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Cafe Pizza Express- 49 Borough Road

Pork Funghi Parmo

So far, this has been the ultimate Parmo experience. For a half, it was massive and had exactly the right amount of cheese on it. I was even asked if I wanted garlic sauce, which was added before baking and that made the perfect compliment to the parmo. I sat back at the end and was absolutely satisifed! Then, I started to get high. Seriously. As I staggered down Borough Road, I couldn't help remembering something that I had heard about being able to get high from saturated fat. "People usually pay sixty quid to feel like this", I thought to myself, as the garlic repeated on me, time and time and time and time again. Great chips and proper crispy salad on this one. Heavily recommended.
SG

Parmesan Hotshot

Put simply, this place is a revelation, as is the parmo. It is also a lesson in how you should never trust your mate to order your meal for you as, when asked on my behalf how hot I would like my parmo, he intimated that I would like it 'fucking hot, as hot as you can make it'. So thanks for that, Steve. In the end though, all this achieved was to make the parmo even more delicious than it would have been, and indeed one of the best parmos available in the Boro. And after all, I did ask for a Hotshot so what the fuck was I expecting? Something out of Playschool or the Lion King or Mark Schwarzer's namby-pamby flapping at crosses goal-keeping workout video? Exactly. What makes this parmo so great, above everything else, is the multitude of flavours and textures that are associated with it. The chicken, although a little tough, still goes down perfectly when combined with the mild, creamy cheese which was layered to perfection on top of it. The thickness of the cheese also compliments that of the chicken exquisitely, as does its consistency, which is not too heavy on the stomach. Furthermore the delicate flavour of the cheese actually enhances rather than detracts from the spiciness of the parmo. The breadcrumbed epidermis that encompasses the chicken is crunchy to the point of perfection without being too greasy, which is something that could be said for the parmo overall. The pepperoni and chilli were evenly spread and generous, as befits a 'fucking hot' concoction, but were never overpowering, or at least not to the detriment of the more subtle flavours coming from the cheese and the chicken. Despite this though, the level of spiciness made you well aware that it was a Hotshot you had ordered The portion size is ideal, with just enough to have a substantial meal whilst not making you feel too bloated or uncomfortable. This therefore would be a perfect parmo to eat any time, either after the disappointment of the match or after a few beers in town. Turning to the sundries again, the chips are little more than average in terms of both quality and portion size. The salad meanwhile, is of higher quality but lower quantity, making you yearn for more. But then with a parmo as good as this, it almost makes all this superfluous. The service is friendly, helpful and performed with good humour. Indeed the only complaint is about the price, which is a little steep. But then if you're going to get quality, you're going to have to pay for it, and with this gastronomic experience, only a prude or a cynic could fail to be satisfied. It is definitely worth stumbling across and checking out because if you defined heaven in a little cardboard box, fringed with sorry chips and a little salad, then this would be it.
AM

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The Cambridge Hotel- 161 Cambridge Road

Regular Chicken Parmo

They just have one type of parmo in the Cambridge but it was really good and most certainly the least greasy parmo so far. In fact, this was a very sophisticated meal indeed, probably good enough for the Egon Ronay guide. They even gave me a selection of condiments and sauces for the chips and salad, or should I say, fries and salad. Parmos seem to come in all shapes and sizes and the Cambridge is serving up what I have dubbed "The Lord Tennyson Parmo." He was a posh bloke, wasn't he? Try The Cambridge. Nice.
SG