PART II: THE VAMPIRE AND THE RAT CATCHER
written by Steve Goldby

So the journey to Middlesbrough continued with the now four strong party. The Cockney Git was banished to Newcastle and Alan Smith, he of the yellow spiky head had joined the party en-route to Teesside. The two Leeds thugs were traveling for free because after all, everyone leaves Leeds for nothing these days. And it did come to pass that Jesus Christ, John Mahoney, Billy Ashcroft and Alan Smith did arrive in Middlesbrough.

But Jesus, now exhausted after several bouts of heavy drinking and adventure could no longer walk and so they found a donkey for him and it was on that donkey that Jesus Christ made his entry into Middlesbrough and as he rode across the Transporter Bridge, flanked by Ashcroft, Mahoney and Smith, the crowds sang praise to the man who had drunk Gazza under the table in Cardiff. They were met by the then Middlesbrough manager who upon introducing himself to Jesus, was misheard. Jesus thought he had said "I'm John. Kneel", whereas in fact he had simply said "I'm John Neal". So Jesus had got down on his knees and the crowd thought that the manager was performing some kind of religious ceremony on Jesus, which served to add to his already burgeoning reputation and earn John Neal the nickname of John the Baptist. Neal also liked the look of Mahoney and Alan Smith and signed them there and then, as the crowd chanted long and hard for Jesus to be installed as the Boro's number one striker. As Billy Ashcroft was crap, John Neal was only too happy to oblige and it came to pass that Jesus Christ was named in the starting line-up for the following Saturday's match against Derby County. Billy Ashcroft was sold to Ireland for a bag of potatoes and he saw out his days in the Emerald Isle, finding gainful employment as a rat catcher and freeing the land from the many rats that had taken up residence there. Which quantifies the legend that St Patrick was really a Welshman and not of Irish descent at all.


Jesus makes his Boro debut

Jesus Christ became a goal scoring hero for the Boro and in his first season, scored thirty nine goals in the then First Division. He was also made captain and his team talks would inspire the team to great victories. But as befits every Middlesbrough team throughout history, as soon as they look like they are going to win the league, war breaks out. And this particular year of 32AD was absolutely no different. The Romans had slowly made their way up north and when they eventually arrived at Middlesbrough, found a fierce resistance awaiting them. The Boro-ites fought long and hard to keep out the Roman attackers and as both sides grew weary of the seemingly endless combat, they agreed to call a truce and allow their leaders to meet in order to thrash out a resolution.

After long hours of negotiation, Pontius Pilate, the Roman General in charge of the invasion and Lord Gibson the Saviour, the owner of Middlesbrough, reached a conclusion. They would play a game of football over ninety minutes to decide the winner of the battle. Surely the Boro would prevail. After all, they had Jesus on their side.

Yet, as with most things to do with the game of football, nothing is as it seems and as the Roman team prepared itself for the match, they were approached by Alan Smith, who offered some serious inside information on Boro's star striker. He informed the Roman manager of all that he knew about Jesus' game and his tactics for the crucial encounter and for this valuable information, he was paid thirty pieces of silver, which in those days, was the equivalent of around a quarter of Leeds United's total debt. Smith was happy with this fee, as he would no longer have to play second fiddle to Jesus Christ and could now secure his dream move to Manchester United, despite badge kissing protestations in previous times that he would never ever do this.

The game kicked off at 3:00 sharp and the Boro were one substitute down, as Smith was nowhere to be found. But Jesus was in good form, passing and moving and getting amongst the Roman opposition, who would fall to the floor every time a ball came within six foot of them and whenever they were anywhere near the penalty box. John Mahoney played well in the first half, his confidence boosted by the fact that his precision passes from midfield were not about to be squandered by Billy Ashcroft. But just as the half time whistle was about to sound, disaster struck for the Boro. A burly looking Roman midfielder anticipated Jesus' next move as the striker latched on to a long ball from defence. Thinking that the Roman had guessed which way he was going to turn, Jesus hesitated and was crocked by the Roman, good style. Writhing in agony on the floor, with the big Roman standing over him, taunting, the striker knew that his game was up and despite attempts to resurrect himself, the St John's Ambulancemen had no choice but to carry him off the pitch. As the half time whistle blew, Boro's chances seemed to have faded with the injury to Jesus and St John's had appeared to carry off our one and only chance of victory. The situation was now grave indeed and with the defection of Judas Smith, Boro had no substitutes on the bench, as each team was only allowed one each in these early days of the game.


Italian manager, Pontius Pilate

John The Baptist had no choice but to make a very quick half time move into the transfer market and backed by Lord Gibson the Saviour and his immense cache of coins, he made the only move he could. Approach the Romans for a striker. Pontius Pilate was surprised by this late bit of transfer activity but being one with an eye for a good deal, sensed Boro's desperation and offered his son, Fabrizio Ravanelli to the Boro for the fee of twelve gold coins, which is twelve million quid in today's money. "We had no intention of paying that much", said Gibson "..but the fact that they had quoted a fee told me they would sell". With three minutes to go until the teams were due out on the pitch again, a deal for seven gold coins was struck, with Ravanelli under strict instructions from his father to go AWOL from Middlesbrough as soon as the game was over and rejoin the Roman army sometime later in Marseille.

Ravanelli scored a hat trick on his debut, much to the chagrin of the Roman army, who were promptly thrown out of town. Despite a valiant fight back, the Italians had been no match for the Boro and despite all of the dirty tricks, betrayals and underhanded Italian tactics, Boro had prevailed. Ravanelli did go AWOL, despite his protestations that he loved English culture and a game of darts and when John the Baptist retired as Boro manager, it was down to Lord Gibson the Saviour to appoint a successor who could guide the team to victory, not only in England but on foreign shores as well. More on that soon.

What happened to Jesus Christ, so cruelly betrayed by Judas Smith? Well, he actually went on to make a recovery from the injury inflicted upon him in the game against the Romans and it only took him three days. He played for Boro again but only on and off and he never quite recaptured the form of old or the fan's imagination in the way that he had done so before. That often happens though. A great player coming back from injury and never being the same again. In the end, after a fairly mediocre season under the management of William the Conqueror, Jesus went home, after being sold to Nazareth United for a truck load of goats and some of that wine that he was fond of producing on the chariot taking the team back to Middlesbrough from away matches. Bryan Robson would try to replicate that bit of managerial motivation some years later but it would never have the same effect.

As with Clough, Mannion, Hardwick and Mikkel Beck before him, the name of Jesus Christ was never forgotten in Middlesbrough and stories of his goal scoring legend abounded for years after he had left the club. His legend grew in other places as well and the now old Billy Ashcroft, now sporting a greying affro to accompany his silly beard and whose metamorphosis into St Patrick, patron Saint of Ireland was now complete, could often be found telling the legend of Jesus Christ of Middlesbrough, including how the man had outdrank Gazza in a Cardiff tavern all those years ago. This story especially spread far and wide, to the oceans of China, to the shores of Mongolia and to the mountains of Carpathia near Wallachia in Romania. It was now 1219 and the crusades were about to kick off but unfortunately, Boro had not qualified. England was devoid of natural management talent at this point and Lord Gibson the Saviour was still searching for the coach who could guide the team to victory in the major tournaments. A Swedish applicant was considered but quickly passed over, as Swedish coaches have a tendency to let the players be in charge of the team, make poor substitutions and are constantly looking for other job opportunities. Gibson had appointed several overseas scouts by this stage and two of them had reported back to him of talent that he should further investigate. One was a man called George who was playing for Georgia and terrorising opposition defences week in and week out. The other was named Vlad the Impaler and was using a draconian disciplinary regime to instil fear and respect into his team, who had won the Romanian title for the last six years running. Gibson was interested in both and through the scouting network, invited Vlad the Impaler for an interview at Whitby, for the vacant position of manager of Middlesbrough Football Club. He also invited George of Georgia for a trial to fill the position of striker, which had been vacant now for a number of years.


Billy Ashcroft catching rats in Dublin

Vlad the Impaler set sail for Whitby one January morning. His ship was scheduled to arrive in the northern English coastal town some eight weeks after departure and after recently wiping out nearly an entire army of Turks and feasting on their entrails and blood, he was now relishing this new challenge, the go ahead to which depended upon him agreeing personal terms with Lord Gibson the Saviour of Middlesbrough. He had already thought long and hard about the first moves he would make as Middlesbrough manager and these included a thorough review of the club's youth policy, a total overhaul of the backroom staff and a renewal of the players in all of the central positions. One player who he liked a lot was George of Georgia and he was well aware that Middlesbrough were daft enough to pay his extortionate wages. Transfer fees were irrelevant. He would simply inflict some brutality and pressure on the player's club until they agreed to allow George to sign for Boro. Easy. Just like Manchester United do in modern times. Vlad had also vowed that as soon as he was appointed manager of Boro, he would do all he could to get the club to qualify for the newly founded UEFA Crusades. His ulterior motive was to do battle with old foe Attila the Hun, whom many had said was the better manager. Vlad felt honour bound to prove otherwise.

Vlad's arrival in Teesside was memorable. As his boat anchored on Whitby Bay, a man with a funny shaped mouth and a big nose could be seen jumping up and down on the dockside. The man jumped over the barriers, up the gangplank and straight up to Vlad. "You're here, you're here", he shouted excitedly. "Did you bring my package of nose powder from Colombia?"

"What are you talking about" answered Vlad. "We're from Romania, not Colombia. And nose powder? If I see any of that caper going on whilst I am in charge of Middlesbrough, there will be serious consequences. Who are you anyway?"


Manager-elect Vlad scares the crap out of Merson

"Paul Merson. I, er, used to play for Middlesbrough but I was, er, transferred to Aston Villa, er, two minutes ago." And with that, he was gone. And Vlad's reign of terror was about to begin.

In the third part of the story, Vlad takes up his role as Boro manager and the first parmos are delivered to Teesside. Then things get crazier.