PART III: THE BATTLE OF STAMFORD BRIDGE
written by Steve Goldby

Vlad the Impaler was appointed manager of Middlesbrough in the late Spring of 1220 and just like Steve McClaren would do in the future, he immediately set about transforming the side from a bunch of boozy no-hopers into a fine athletic division, capable of taking on the world’s greatest sides. No black notebooks containing the club rules for Vlad though, for his policy of man management was very simple. Play well or be executed by impalement.

The groundsman had a terrible time clearing up the bodies. Results were superb though, as nobody in the team dare lose a match. Vlad still harboured ambitions of signing George of Georgia and had tried to make contact with his club but to no avail. The Georgian club kept telling him the same thing over and over again, namely that George had been released from his contract for one year and had gone to Britannia to search for the Holy Grail of Jesus Christ. Vlad posted guards at every port in Britannia to keep watch for the arrival of George's ship.


Vlad The Impaler. Boro Manager 1220-1228

Attila the Hun had a fantastic squad of players and they too, had made a clean sweep of their national competitions for several years running now and were seeking a fresh challenge. Word of Jesus Christ had spread to Mongolia and Attila had become agitated by the constant talk of this allegedly great man who had mesmerised crowds and dumbfounded defences in his time. Attila had a heavy jealous streak in him and swore that he would replace the revered name of Christ with his own. He had also vowed to seek out The Holy Grail of Jesus Christ and bring it back to Mongolia, where he would use it as a display of his might and power.

Georgia were a lousy side and star striker George was fed up of carrying ten passengers every week, as he would consistently net three or four goals and the defence would consistently concede four or five. The same problem that Mark Viduka had when he played for Leeds. When George eventually asked for a transfer in 1220, there was an outcry amongst the local population, for they knew that as soon as George was out of the side, relegation and probably oblivion would be inevitable. But George would not be swayed and the board seemed unmoved to sell for any price, so one day, George stood up and addressed the townsfolk. "I can't play for Georgia next season", he explained to the booing locals. "I have had a calling from above and I must go and recover the Holy Grail of Jesus Christ", he lied. "Once I have recovered this priceless relic, I will return and once again don the colours of Georgia". The club's board were still reluctant but knowing that they would be pilloried if they stopped a holy crusade, they reluctantly agreed to let George go. They hoped that he would return for the following season.


Saint George

George had set sail for Britannia on a Chinese trawler that first needed to dock in Russia to collect a dolphin net that had required repairs on the outward journey. He explained to the crew that he was off in search of The Holy Grail of Jesus Christ but they didn't understand a word he said, because they were Chinese. But they had given him a lift anyway and duly arrived in Russia, where a fleet of Italian merchant ships were also docked. The Italians seemed to be very argumentative and were jostling with the Russian harbourmasters about the cargo that was due to be taken back to Italy. George tried to speak to one of the Italians, in an attempt to help the situation and was told that the Italian's cargo of Parmesan cheese was subject to a shipping tax, which the Italians could not muster together. George thought quickly and decided that the price of the Parmesan with the shipping tax was cheap, compared to that which it could be sold for in Britannia, as everything in that country is over-priced. So he offered to buy the lot. The Italians were glad to be out of the mess that they were in and the Russians were pleased to have finished work for the day. As they went off to drink some vodka and sing songs of hardship and strife, George stashed the Parmesan cheese in the galley of the ship, right next to the chickens that were being sent to Britannia to be used in the Chinese restaurants there. Then, for two more long months, night followed day, day followed night and night followed day on what was one incredibly long voyage across the world. George was counting the days until their arrival in Britannia and for him, the sight of dry land could not come quick enough.

Attila the Hun, had also set sail for England to find the Holy Grail and had learned that Vlad had been appointed Boro manager. As he assembled his squad together and they sailed off into the night, Attila dreamed of taking on Arsenal at Highbury and beating them and then being offered the manager's job. Secretly, he wanted to live his life out as an English country squire gentleman type instead of a marauding battle hardened Saracen heathen who for decades had wantonly raped and pillaged his way across the East. But it had been a good life, all the same.

Attila's boat was a speedy vessel and it was only a matter of a couple of weeks before the Chinese boat carrying George was in their sights. They were close to Scandinavia at this point and Attila decided to ambush the boat carrying George and his crew let rip with all the firepower that they had. The Chinese boat did not have any guns or ammunition because it was a supply ship and not a war vessel, so they were an easy target for Attila. The Chinese were happy to surrender and save their lives but George had other ideas and was not willing to give up so easily. He quickly took control of the ship and rounded up the Chinese seamen and prepared them for the battle of their lives. The captain of the ship, Y.K. Chow was instructed by George to set the ship on course for a place in England known as Chelsea Harbour. Luckily, he followed George's advice.


Attila The Hun, who never played for Rangers

Meanwhile, Vlad The Impaler's reign of terror on Teesside was now in full swing. Gone were the endless stream of boring scoreless draws. They had been replaced by a weekly dose of ninety minutes of action packed blood spilling entertainment that were thrilling crowds across the country. In one game, star striker Jimmy Floyd Ehiogu (number four) suffered a boot in the head from a chirpy Cockney git and star midfielder Ray Parlour was clumped by a foreign saracen. Vlad vowed to take revenge and both opposition players were awarded the death penalty, fatwah style. Boro were so exciting in those days that they even got on Match of the Day every now and then, which I know is hard to believe but it really did happen. Honest. Promotion from the then second division was looking very much on the cards going in to the last game of the season but defeat at the hands of Leicester Shitty would thwart Vlad's valiant attempt at securing a place in the top flight for Boro. But all was not lost. That would come later.


Ugo Hasselbaink (number four) scoring for Boro

Determined to carry out the death penalty that he had awarded the chirpy Cockney git and the foreign saracen, Vlad set off on a journey to their homeland of Fulham Broadway. He would arrive two days later as he had decided to go on foot rather than risk using the ever unreliable British Rail. Plus, in those days, it was too expensive for a Teessider to travel by those means. So not much has really changed over the years then...

The Chinese ship carrying George was now within sight of Chelsea Harbour and in hot pursuit was Atilla The Hun's vessel. Y.K. Chow was now in a state of panic and he consulted George of Georgia on the ship's bridge. "Wha we do when we ghe in Chelsea Arbor Misser George? Attila rie behine us an the chickens mus be fed..." Quick thinking George had already formulated his battle plan and as the ship docked in Chelsea Harbour, he began to explain it to Y.K. Chow. Attila The Hun was just twenty minutes behind them.

George and Y.K. Chow quickly rounded up the Chinese crew and instructed them to take the parmesan cheese and the chickens and carry them to the large desolate piece of waste ground near the Harbour known as Stamford Bridge, where they took cover on the terraces and waited for Attila. Attila's army had followed them to the stadium and as the Huns entered Stamford Bridge, the Chinese army began pelting them with the chickens and parmesan cheese. The battle dragged on and on and eventually, George's Chinese makeshift soldiers wore Attila's men down and they started to retreat. Attila The Hun was downed by a perfect shot from George and as the chicken whacked him right on the back of the head, he hit the turf and breathed his last. Needless to say, the rest of the opposition fled when they realised that their leader was dead and George had his victory.

Stamford Bridge was in a real mess now. The pitch was covered in chickens and cheese and dead Huns and as George and the Chinese rested on the terraces after the battle, the owner of Stamford Bridge, a portly man with a big white beard arrived on the scene and gave them a right bollocking. George apologised and offered to clean up the mess and as his men started the mammoth clearing up task, the Middlesbrough manager entered Stamford Bridge.

After he had impaled the owner of Stamford Bridge, he produced a contract for George to sign and when this had been duly done, they decided to have a celebratory meal together. As Vlad was quite fond of dining on battlefields amongst dead bodies, they set up table in the centre circle and Y.K. Chow prepared a meal made from chicken fillets and parmesan cheese and now you know how parmos were invented.

Y.K. Chow was appointed head chef of Middlesbrough and perfected his parmo recipe after experimenting with various dairy products from all over the world. Eventually, he decided that during the pre season, he would manufacture his own cheese and he named it after his newly adopted home town. Boro cheese was born.

In the fourth and final part of the story, a strange discovery is made concerning Boro cheese and the search for the Holy Grail begins.

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