ROARY VERSUS...

ROARY VERSUS ... BEAU BRUMMIE
ROARY VERSUS ... FRED THE RED
ROARY VERSUS ... CRYSTAL ALICE
ROARY VERSUS ... TERRY BYTES
ROARY VERSUS ... GUNNERSAURUS
ROARY VERSUS ... MONTY MAGPIE

Behind every fluffy face there lies a predator. Behind every silly dance, the most devastating of moves, perfectly tuned to the torture of throwaway pop music.

For on the pitch they may masquerade as cuddly and cute but beneath the fur there lies a disturbed individual, a mean and moody beast ready to pounce on the weak, dissolving their frustrations by exacting misguided revenge.



Fuelled by the hatred they feel for being no more than performing circus freaks, a hatred that increases with the crowd's voyeuristic amusement, their feelings of hopelessness soon rise to become an all-consuming rage. A rage that is etched into their faces yet hidden from view behind their big fluffy heads, their soft eyes staring daggers of pain towards the very hands who feed them, contrite in the masking of their situation, corporate, consummate, counterfeit. It is this that turns them into the natural- unless they are made of polyester of course- sewed killers they truly are and once this happens, repentance is no longer an option.

Yet they are also made to visit hospitals, open village fetes and god-forbid, hug snotty nosed children, disguising their pathological urges for the sake of PR, as if enslaved to their employers for monetary gain, forced into furry uniforms and told how to behave. Yet these violent urges are too ingrained in their souls to be covered up completely and, five years ago, with government statistics showing an alarming increase in little boys being punched in the face at community centres up and down the land, the Fluffy Mascot Federation was set up. Initially an inner city pilot project, the sole aim was to provide an outlet for this anger, an outlet that, most importantly, could be used to make money. It was also set up to provide a service as community sentences for violent mascots often didn't work, usually making things worse as other offenders tried to set light to the cheap fur as a laugh, to test the flammability of their fellow cons. Since its inauguration, the FMF has grown to encompass more than 20 members, with crowds for the bouts often numbering thousands, all baying for blood through fissured stitch-lines, yearning the combatants to literally tear pieces out of each other.

And now for the 2004-5 season, the Fluffy Mascot Federation presents the undisputed fluffy-weight champion of the world, Roary the Lion on his first-ever European tour. Aided by the resentment induced by the voice of Mark Page, tormented by his record collection and his chirpy optimistic drivel, he fed off this hatred to comprehensively defeat all those in his path, and now he looks to the continent to satiate his rage. So join us around the grounds as Roary takes on the might of the Premier League (and Bolton) as well as dipping into Europe to sample some of the best of the action. With expert punditry and analysis- which is more than the BBC can boast- we will get you closer to the event, so close in fact, it will be as if you are wearing a furry costume yourself. So get ready for the fur to fly as in 19+ matches, anything could happen, particularly in the world of the FMF. And now you can go interactive, just press the red button on your remote control and experience the sensation of being a twat, in the comfort of your own living room. It'll be like you're there taking the punches yourself!

Fluffy Mascot Federation Rules

The Fluffy Mascot Federation operates a code of practice under which all combatants are expected to conduct themselves. However it is expected that many combatants will blatantly and flagrantly ignore these rules, at which time the offender will be punished by a crusty out of touch FMF disciplinary panel meeting in Soho Square, London. The judges' decision is final and there is no redress to any verdict that has been delivered, despite the provocation, unless you are Fred the Red, the Manchester United mascot who due process will exonerate from all guilt after a lengthy, drawn-out and ultimately unnecessary procedure.

The code of practice under Section 3 of the FMF rules is as follows:

1. The aim of FMF wrestling is to knock out the opposing mascot, meaning that the mascot will fall to the ground and remain there for three seconds, after which a point is scored.

2. How this point is scored is limited to punching and kicking across the face or upper chest region, including the arms. Any other move is forbidden unless you are Roy Keane.

3. If an illegal move is performed and it results in the felling of an opposing mascot then a 'Penalty Punch' is called by the referee. This gives a mascot one free shot at his opponent who must stand on the guy ropes with his arms outstretched in a crucifix position. He may not defend himself during this process. If the mascot goes down a point is awarded in the normal manner, if not then the bout continues immediately and as normal.

4. A 'Free Punch' is awarded for more minor indiscretions that do not lead to the felling of an opponent. Here the crucifix pose is again adopted but the mascot may defend himself from the incoming blow using the methods described in accordance with section 33, sub-section 27a, paragraph 3 and a garlic naan to go please. Or point 2 if you like to keep it Beckham (i.e. simple). The punished mascot may not move until the punch has been called into play. The contravention of this rule will be met with blind ignorance, or the referee as he's more commonly called.

5. The winner of the bout is the mascot who has obtained the most knockouts over two 45-minute rounds. There is a 15-minute permitted break between these rounds and absolutely no stoppages whatsoever in between. Note that extra minutes will be added to the round if Fred the Red is losing after the elapsing of the 90-minute period as the judges feel his long journey from hell (or Manchester as it's more commonly called) puts him at somewhat of a disadvantage. This is furthered when we considered that his manager likes to administer beatings before he enters the ring, which further makes him unprepared for the bout, particularly psychologically. Plus we're scared of his manager and will do anything at all to please him. And yes, that as well.

6. In FMF wrestling there are no yellow or red cards, nor are their sin bins. However the removal of shirts in celebration is not permitted due to the homo-erotic 'am I gay' crowd-worrying aspect of this gesture. It is acceptable however to remove your shorts and swing them around your head like a pillock whilst adopting a slightly arrogant pose. This is because in the world of FMF we feel that a mere flash of nipple is not enough of a sexual thrill and that our loyal crowds deserve to see a bit more every now and again. We've based this rule on Channel 5's autumn season not to mention common secretarial policy within the Association.

7. Showboating, gesticulating and mindless violence are positively encouraged and indeed our mascots are trained on the streets of Oldham and Burnley to improve these vital skills. However, like sado-masochistic gay sex, this violence should be confined only to the ring, outside of which it is imperative that all combatants pretend that they get on with each other famously. It is also to be noted that all mascots represent their clubs and their profession so it is imperative that they have some psychological problem or addiction with which to make fantastic publicity, alcoholism being a particular favourite. It is also vital that they do 200 hours pre-emptive community service and get caught in enough three-in-a-bed sex romps to ensure that they feature on the front page of the News of the Screws at least once a month. They must also drive a hideously expensive and unnecessary car and admit to having a penchant for jazz in any interview they are asked to conduct.

8. Just like in a mental hospital, drugs are positively encouraged and should be popped like sweeties or, in the case of the older mascots, valium. Being comatose, whether it is through alcohol or drugs is similarly encouraged. All mascots must be 100% furry, which must contain no materials other than polyester and nylon. Fur tests will be carried out at random and any creature found to be in contravention to this rule will be humiliatingly stripped and paraded round the tabloids on a horse-cart pulled by all the other mascots.

9. Weapons are allowed into the ring provided they have been declared and inspected by a member of the FMF committee. Weapons should be declared before noon on the day of the bout. Weapons must be in accordance with those permitted in the 'Weapons and You- the FMF Rules' leaflet that was given to all mascots at the end of last season. They must not
a) include any chemicals
b) must not be able to induce or fuel a fire or c) pointless subsection that restates points a) and b) in a slightly different way.
Note that the weak arm of the law will be used against any mascot who contravenes these sacrosanct rules.

10. Note that fans are friends and are not there to be abused, attacked or humiliated in any way, no matter how annoying or trying they are. However if they choose to enter the ring then you are not bound by UK law and thus you are free to do with them as you wish. Provided you don't remove their shirts, of course, which would result in shaming erections all round.

11. If any mascot is found to be contravening any these rules then appropriate punishments will be meted out by our arbitration panel of independently elected numpties.

12. Finally, the use of mobile phones is permitted in the Ring provided they are for your own personal use. No mascot may bring into or use within the ring any equipment which is capable of recording or transmitting by digital or other means any audio, visual, or audio-visual material of any information or data in relation to the match or the Ring. Terry Bytes of course, is an obvious exception to this rule. This is because we own the event and we own you and we intend to profit from you as much as possible. Note that all mascots are required under FMF law to perform any favour, sexual or otherwise, for any member of the arbitration committee or high-level management within the organisation on request, even if it tastes bad. This particularly appertains to mascots who have a full-time secretarial role within the association and are looking to increase their profile within the tabloid newspapers. Promotions and relegations are judged relative to this profile. And how much cock you can take.

If you agree to these rules then sign the below pro-forma and send it, along with some kinky underwear, to the secretary's office on the third floor. The pubic, sorry, public relations office will deal with it from there. These rules were agreed and ratified at an FMF love-in on Sunday 3 October 2004.