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THE DELL NOVEMBER 1998
Good day to you. I wish you a warm spring welcome to Jack and his amazing Flashbacks.
Before we start I would like to ask the age-old question that has troubled man since the dawn of time...
Have you ever been caught masturbating by a member of your own family?
Anyway after that I suppose I had better crack on before this column gets pulled off (ahem).
When I was younger I used to think there must be more to life than watching Boro, drinking beer and chasing birds. Well if there is, then I am fucked if I know where to look for it.
I tried to charm a girl once and show her my sensitive side by writing some poetry. Trouble was the only word I could get to rhyme with cock was sock and I don't think either word captures the romance of spring really.
Did anyone ever go to the Dell? I did in November 1998 and here is the full story.
I was working in Bournemouth for a few months at the time of this game, which is not far at all from Southampton. About an hour on the train.
I was a right piss head at the time - this was my drinking peak - and set off on the train with a few cans to see me through the journey.
I got to the ground and was told by a right tosser of a steward that the Boro end was all ticket and they wouldn't let anyone in on the day. I thought that was utter bollocks and I told him so.
Even so, I wanted to see the game and made my way to the main stand and joined the queue of home fans. I got in no bother and settled down to watch the game.
And the game, an early Christmas cracker, ended 3-3 with Gazza scoring a blinding free kick. Mind you that is about the only thing I remember him doing in a Boro shirt apart from smacking George Boateng and breaking his own arm.
So after the game, instead of going back to Bournemouth and the foxy redhead I was nailing, I thought I would try my luck and see if I could get into the player's lounge.
'Why?' I hear You ask. Well a mate of mine was playing for the Boro at the time so I thought I would pop in and say hello, which I did after much arguing with the guy on the door who thought I pulling a fast one. My mate who shall have to remain nameless came and got me in.
In fact the arsehole on the door was gobsmacked when he peered inside ten minutes later to see the guy he wouldn't let the players lounge stood talking to Paul Gascoinge with a pint in his hand!
I really thought I had arrived in the world of high-class players and high-class tarts so I probably made a right cunt of myself trying to impress the many gathered Boro stars.
Anyway it couldn't last and my new found friends and drinking partners, that is the entire first team squad of Boro headed off back home, much to young Jack's disappointment.
So I made my way back to Bournemouth convinced I was some kind of superstar footballer and after a few more JD & cokes in a Bournemouth pub, while waiting for my colleagues to turn up, I started to behave like one as well.
The rest of my work-mates turned up, a few lads and a couple of lasses, and I soon bored then senseless with stories of how my best mate Gazza had played a blinder and took me for a pint after the game.
I elaborated further on this story as the alcohol took hold, when I then told my by now very fucking bored work-mates about how Chris Evans and Danny Baker who where both at the game (not) and had wanted me to go to London for a night out with them.
I thought I had got away with this whopping lie until one of my colleagues pointed out that he had "just heard Danny Baker hosting the football phone-in on Radio 5 before he came out and how the fuck did he get back from Southampton in time for 606 ?"
The night wore on and for some reason I was left behind by all but one of my so called friends. It must have been the fact that I was pissed and talking bollocks but that is hardly anything new for me.
So I was left with this bird called Clare and she was fucking rats. Lads, honest you wouldn't touch her with a barge pole, but a few weeks earlier I had indeed touched her with more than a barge pole.
And I was having terrible trouble convincing her that I wasn't interested, as she reminded me that in my drunken attempts to shag her two weeks previously, I had told her the usual bullshit lines whist trying to get into her pants and she really did believe I wanted to take her to Paris.
The thing is if you had seen the clip of her you wouldn't take her fucking beck jumping.
So as you can imagine I got pissed as a fart and this bird tagged along and the more I drank the better looking she got. So to cut a long story short, I took her back to my gaff with the firm intention of knocking another slice off her.
One slight problem was that upon arrival home I found my girlfriend had let herself in and was sat on my front room sofa waiting for me to come home, bless her cotton socks.
An almighty scene ensued with tears, screams, threats to cut my nuts off and things being thrown at me as I tried to convince my feisty red-head that it was all innocent and above board and the only reason I had brought the girl home was to phone her a taxi.
But she wasn't having none of that blatant lie and I don't blame her. I wouldn't believe that bollocks either. Then the other bird piped in thinking she was defending me by saying that he told me he loved me and he wants to take me to Paris which didn't improve the situation to be honest.
What a fucking mess eh? I kipped on my sofa that night and it served me right. From then on I was a changed man...
Yep I never told girls I was banging behind my girlfriend's back I was gonna take them to Paris ever again.
See ya soon
Jack
Up The Boro
BACK TO FLASHBACKS INDEX
A GUARANTEED PROFIT OF AT LEAST £45.64 ON STANDARD LIEGE v SAMPDORIA
There's some great Uefa Cup matches this midweek and did you know that it is possible to win money on Wednesday evening's Uefa Cup clash between Standard Liege and Sampdoria, whatever the result?
The game kicks off at 7.45pm UK Time and we can guarantee you a profit of at least £45.64, whatever the result of the match. All you have to do is follow the simple instructions below and then sit back and enjoy the game. At full-time, you will be at least £45.64 better off, whatever the result of the match.
We must point out that if you want to take this bet, you should do it now because if the odds change, then the figures here will be invalidated. If they have changed, let us know and we will rework the bet for you.
You can still do this if you have a Betfair account but your overall profit will be reduced by £25.00 as you won't receive the £25.00 cashback as an existing account holder.
If you are unsure about this bet, you are most welcome to call us on 01642 223229 and we will help you as much as we can.
We're going to lay out a total of £104.00 on the Standard Liege v Sampdoria match and we will collect £149.87 if Standard Liege win, £149.64 if Sampdoria win and £151.50 if it is a draw. That's a minimum profit of over 43%, a much higher interest rate than you will get in any high street bank.
Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.
1. Open an account with Sky Bet .
Open an account with Betfair. It is really important that you enter the promotional code of FTB125 when prompted. This is to ensure that you receive your bonus.
Open an account with Extrabet .
This shouldn't take you any longer than a few minutes.
2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts.
Deposit £41.00 into your new Sky Bet
account.
Deposit £38.00 into your new Betfair account.
Deposit £25.00 into your Extrabet account.
3. Now make the following bets.
Place £41.00 on Standard Liege at 11/8 with Sky Bet
.
Sky Bet will now add a £20.00 free bet to your account. Place this on Standard Liege as well. You will now have £61.00 riding on Standard Liege.
Back Sampdoria with £38.00 at 3.4 (or higher if available) with Betfair.
Place £25.00 on the draw at 3.03 with Extrabet .
Extrabet match your first bet up to £25 so you will now have £50.00 riding on the draw.
The £25.00 matched bet will not show in your account but you can read all about how it works on the Extrabet site. It's the purple box that says '£25 FREE BET FOR NEW CUSTOMERS' on the top right hand side. Click here to visit the Extrabet site.
If you are unsure about placing these bets, please feel free to mail us or call us on 01642 223229 and we will talk you through it, no problem at all. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
You have temporarily laid out a total of £104.00 on the Standard Liege v Sampdoria match. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.
4. Here's what happens at the end of the game. All winnings are paid out on the ninety minute result.
If Standard Liege win, you collect £149.87. That's £124.87 from Sky Bet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If Sampdoria win, you collect £149.64. That's £124.64 from Betfair plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
If it's a draw you collect £151.50. That's £126.50 from Extrabet plus a £25.00 cashback from Betfair.
5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Standard Liege v Sampdoria match is Sampdoria win and you make £45.64 profit. However, if Standard Liege win you make £45.87 profit and if it's a draw you make £47.50. That's a minimum profit of over 43%, a much better rate of interest that you would get at any high street bank or building society.
6. It is absolutely vital that you click on the links on this page to open the accounts with the three bookies and enter the correct bonus codes or you may not qualify for the bonuses.
Also, before you place your bets, you should check that the odds haven't changed. If they have, let us know by mail or phone us on 01642 223229 and we will rework the bet for you.
Please feel free to contact us or phone us on 01642 223229 if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will help you as much as we can.
Please note that the bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, mail us or phone us on 01642 223229 and we'll create an alternative bet for you using different bookies.
This method of betting was used very successfully during the 2006 World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.
We guarantee this bet
It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that this is the fifth season that we have been publishing arbitrage bets and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.
Only twice has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when we did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.
Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.
That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if we messed up the numbers.
The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.
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