THE BIG BROTHER BORO HOUSE WEEK ONE
Written by Andrew Morgan

Here Comes the first gripping episode of unreality TV from ComeOnBoro.com. The Big Brother Boro House... Steve McClaren has sent the lads to the Big Brother House whilst he is away for a week or so in Portugal...


"I'm off to Portugal for me 'olidays!!"

Week One in the Big Boro House and the housemates are getting excited about Euro 2004. Or at least everyone is apart from super(size)-striker Michael Ricketts, who is sulking that he has not been picked for the England squad.

In support (which is odd judging by the usual number of Boro players in the opposition's 6-yard box), the housemates try and cheer him up by baking him a special pie with extra gristle and gravy but he still remains unresponsive and inconsolable.

Frustrated, the housemates tell him this was his problem in the first place and pelt the Boro chickens at him in disgust, which he immediately proceeds to catch in his mouth and eat. The housemates point out that this is the only thing that has ever been associated with him that has been on target, falling to the ground in cataclysmic laughter.


The Boro Chickens

Ricketts pouts some more over this, and by being implored to move to obtain his lunch, storms off in a huff, out of breath after walking a mere handful of yards. He heads towards the shower in an attempt to stem the sweat oozing from his back and trickling down to form incontinent pools on the poorly maintained slurry of grass and sand below. As usual, he fails, being distracted by a chocolate gateaux that fantastic French defender Franck Quedrue is expertly decorating.

Instinctively, Ricketts sticks his hands in and fucks up Franck's pretty rabbit in a noose motif. Franck, annoyed, chases him round the kitchen, catching up with him in two yards and tripping him up. Ricketts pouts some more and gets tarred with the phrase 'as petulant as Emerson as proficient as Branco', partly through the use of Juninho's luxury item, his Oxford English dictionary that he has been annoying everyone with since they all got here. Franck goes back to his ruined cake and everyone else is still laughing... must be something about the smog.


"Oi! You fucked up my cake, you fat bastard!"

Meanwhile the other Boro strikers are engaged in practicing for this week's challenge- to score one goal within the opposition's penalty area within a 90-minute time limit. The housemates convened last night to discuss how much of their weekly budget they would risk in completing the challenge. Not one of them was confident, even with a potshot from 30 yards out so they agreed to risk a mere 10% on completing the task. Ricketts donated two pies whilst Quedrue rescinded his red cards on completing the task, the former being deeply unhappy about having a finite supply of food in the first place.

In an attempt to feel better, Ricketts heads to the dairy room to talk to the Boro cow camera on his tricycle, unfortunately crashing it into the wall en route and completely writing it off. He walks away unharmed apart from a sore bottom, perplexed and dazed at his predicament, grabbing a rather nice Cornish pasty on the way into the room to confront the nation. At which point Southgate and Schwarzer tie him down and remonstrate against him for eating the weekly food supply in a mere two days.


Michael experiences a spot of backache after eating too much

They ask Big Boro for help but she only gives them a squirt of their own milk and says tough. Ricketts gets put in the stocks and more chickens are thrown at him. It is conclusively shown that the midfielders get more on target than the strikers, a point nominated captain Gareth Southgate adroitly intimated, urging his strikers to 'improve or starve'. Ricketts faints, as does Maccarone, who admits he has a medical condition that means every time he is pressured by a defender he falls to the ground in a crumpled heap. Upon Southgate's chidings this is what he does- and knocks himself out on the cheap formica kitchen shelf on his way down. It is agreed that he should be made into a novelty door stop in the belief that when he plays it is the best form of stopping the ball going anywhere near the goal. It is believed that this is how he would be most effective in the future.

Meanwhile an argument is brewing between popular Aussie 'keeper Mark Schwarzer and brain-dead thug Danny Mills over who was in charge of dealing with the lettuce in the kitchen area for lunch. Mills stands waving his arms like a lunatic after accusing Schwarzer of saying he had it but then failing to collect it as it dropped off the kitchen unit and through his legs on to the floor. Schwarzer accuses Mills of indecision on vegetable based through balls as the crowd cheer such a spectacular own goal that would almost definitely improve the ratings. Mills aims a punch at Schwarzer, which he blocks adroitly as an aroused Nemeth slides in to make a challenge, taking both of them out and causing them to land on top of him, incapacitating him for the indefinite future. The lettuce does not move an inch. Everyone is still laughing.


Skippy, Boro's long serving goalie

Join us next week for more exciting fun in the Big Boro House. However, if you're already getting withdrawal symptoms then watch Big Boro's Little Boro on Pee-4, the show where the southern press belittle our town to alleviate their jealousy, and where the whole of the country turns against us when they realise the show is being exported to many European countries for a ridiculous fee due to its immense popularity and class. Let the bitterness commence!