THE BIG BROTHER BORO HOUSE WEEK TWO
Written by Andrew Morgan

Week Two in the house and the foundations are starting to subside due to their age, a situation paralleled by Maccarone to the central defensive partnership of Ehiogu and Southgate. This is largely a reaction to the poor showing at Pompey on the last day of last season but also relates to Southgate's confiscation of Maccarone's wet blanket when he refused to make yet another tackle when he let Ricketts eat all the paella for lunch, unchallenged.

The resulting sulk would have made a certain white haired Italian lard-arse very proud. Maccarone learning from the master indeed. All he needs to do now is learn how to finish and he would be the complete overpriced and overpaid Italian striker.


Maccarone. Rubbish striker

Despite this animosity, the housemates are generally feeling relaxed, Euro 2004 providing enough of a distraction to prevent them thinking about their inability to complete last week's task of scoring once in a goal with no 'keeper in an allotted 90 minute time period. This week the task is for everyone to overcome a 30-minute intensive training regime, a thought that leaves Ricketts feeling cold. Despite his protestations however, the housemates place a large 50% of their budget on the task's completion, believing that whatever the outcome it would be beneficial for Ricketts, who would get no food if he causes them to fail. He continues with his protests but everyone has learned to ignore him by this stage, disappearing off to prepare snacks and beer for the football matches that lie ahead of them.


Macca's team mates hang on to him to prevent him falling over again

The viewing of the tournament was permitted by McClaren, whose 'holiday' in Portugal has now been extended by a few days, despite contravening Big Boro house rules of no contact with the outside world. The reason for this was that it was hoped that the players could learn things from those competing in the competition. Maybe the Boss wanted his charges to sexe him on the tele as well? In reality however, everyone simply sang songs and got pissed. So no change there then. Thus from 1700BST every day, in homage to most of the Boro players in the Robson era, they sit transfixed to the television, sated on the feast of football that is played out before them. The only exception to this is Ricketts who is also sated on pizza, cakes, pastries, burgers, chips, that fetid green stuff that is found at the bottom of fridges, the grass and chicken shit from the Big Boro garden (much to the annoyance of the groundsmen who believes it is his job to poorly tend and make such a mess of the field of play), tubes of Bongela gum ointment and the most disgusting thing of all, that Yakult soya bean fake milk type stuff.

Ironically though, for a man of such stature and laziness he feels obliged to fetch these products himself, often declining the offers of help from Job and Maccarone who hope to shut him up. But then he's never been able to feed off his fellow strikers, or accept any passes from them whatsoever, so it's not all that surprising. Indeed it is also questionable as to whether he is ever really sated, as evidenced by his gnawing of the fence posts in the Big Boro garden in the middle of the night, his devouring of all the toothpaste, much to the annoyance of Juninho who relies on it to perform that winning whiter-than-white smile, and his attempt to drink the chlorine solution that should be put in the pool, thinking it was a novelty cocktail based on the Boro cows' creamiest milk. Indeed if it wasn't for the charity of Schwarzer, who can often be seen gifting goals to opposing strikers by allowing himself to be beaten at the near post, most of the housemates would probably have let him drink it unchallenged.


Michael runs for his lunch

Meanwhile, this lack of challenging is a situation envied by Maccarone whose diving is getting persistently worse, falling over at any sign of pressure. This was demonstrated by Nemeth's annoyance that Maccarone failed to pass the salt at the dinner table, just like he fails to pass anything, which resulted in Maccarone fainting into his pasta and messing up his blanket, which he had managed to steal back off Southgate. Seeing his chance for mischievous fun (like missing that penalty in Euro '96), Southgate wraps the blanket around its owner's neck to the sound of raucous laughter, saying it was done in an attempt to stop his pointless dribbling. It doesn't really work. Maccarone bursts into tears and storms off to talk in confidence to the Boro cow. It is the first sign of confidence that has been associated with Maccarone in over a year.


Gareth after that penalty miss

This was all before the England-France game, a game over which all the housemates were excited. All that is apart from Ricketts who still believed he should have been on the pitch rather than locked in a room with a bunch of people who he felt were undermining his (lack of) creativity and talent. This manifests itself during the match with his curling up into a ball and muttering something about wanting to be a TV star for once in his life, and that he may go on Fame Academy so he could appear on television week in week out. Mills points out that he should give it a go as he had the lack of talent required to really achieve in such a forum, secretly hoping he would be booted out of the house once and for all. Everyone else was secretly hoping too, not least the viewing public.

Despite this however, some accused Mills of employing tactics in attempting to persuade the other housemates to vote out Ricketts above the others. This leads to vociferous debate with Mills describing everyone from Steve Gibson to Clarribel the Boro Chicken to the bloke he once met at his local pizza restaurant as unprofessional, cowardly and prepared to use seedy politics in order to oust him from the house and the club. Upon hearing a food related word Ricketts pricks his ears like an insatiable rabbit (shame he can't be as quick as one) but is disappointed when no grub is forthcoming. His tummy rumbles its displeasure. The argument goes on for several minutes and is eventually settled by Southgate who points out that with our manager, no Boro player would know what tactics were if it hit them in the face.


Danny Mills talking politics again

Then England score and everyone erupts. Everyone that is apart from Ricketts who starts bemoaning the fact that England had started to do well without him, and Maccarone who was supporting France because 'he liked the way they played'. At this point Mills looks at him with as much disdain as if he were goading him with a mutant Robbie Savage latex mask and floppy blond wig boxed-set (£9.99 from all good retailers), his hand slowly compressing into a fist as he lambasts him for being a traitor to his football club. Under such pressure Maccarone promptly faints and collapses on to Job's shoulder, which is yet another irony, as Job has been carrying him all season. Everyone stares at Mills incredulously for the uncharacteristic spell of pressure he had put on Maccarone whilst the sound of celebration and the derision of Ricketts flows from the general direction of the TV. After a few seconds, everyone remembers the game and turns back to watch it. Maccarone remains out cold. Mills slyly punches him in the face anyway.


Emile Heskey

Second half and the house is tense. As the match progresses Ricketts' eyes glaze over with tears as he starts spitting out his dummy and rocking gently from side to side in drunken lamenting lullaby. Everyone ignores him. And then Heskey comes on and Ricketts' face lights up. He has always based his play on Heskey's lumberings and now he is on the pitch, as if representing Ricketts in the Championships. Fifteen minutes later and he concedes a free-kick on the edge of the penalty area. The house berates Heskey in disgust at delivering such a poor challenge whilst Ricketts berates Sven in the belief that he could easily have done that job for him, growing increasingly incredulous over why he was not picked above some of the other crap such as Owen and Rooney. Then the house falls silent, anticipating, hoping for a Mendieta-style balloon over the bar from twenty yards out. Zidane steps up. He was always going to score. Cue expletives, which promptly wakes Maccarone up. Seeing the score and Zidane celebrating he jumps up, screaming 'GOAL!' whilst simultaneously taking off his shirt. He gets his head stuck whilst doing so. However, now blinded, he is still propelled forward by his momentum, which is aided by Mills' adroitly placed left foot tripping him up, and he starts to come crashing down. Ricketts' looks up as eleven stone of Italian incompetence threatens to devour him in an impending crash but cannot be bothered to move to save himself. Maccarone falls on top of him. Ricketts uses this example of taking down a frontman as the major reason why Sven should have picked him above Heskey.

Everyone prays Maccarone had knocked him out but the television distracts them again as Zidane steps up to take a penalty. They have no idea why, not because they missed what happened, but because Schwarzer assures them that there was nothing wrong with James' challenge. And then it's 2-1. And then Mills goes on a punching spree, eventually punching the screen out of the television and electrocuting himself. He falls backwards on to Ricketts who now believes he is a world-class defending striker and starts lambasting McClaren for not recommending him to Sven in the first place.


Zidane scored twice for France.

This manifests itself the following day when, after a new television had been bought, McClaren was discussing the England situation at half-time of a match that had nothing at all to do with England and Ricketts tried punching him in disgust. Except he missed, swinging round and hitting himself in the face and knocking himself out. Everyone cheered, but whether this was because of this incident or seeing the dear Leader spouting the usual reassuring crap about how we deserved to win even when we didn't is as yet unconfirmed. Despite this, after the France game the housemates trudge wearily off the pitch, beaten, dejected and disappointed, cocooned in the usual reassuring grip of being nearly there but not quite. Meanwhile, the groundsmen come in and clear up the remaining weary comatose bodies from the field of play as harmony is restored. Meanwhile Mills is called to the dairy room.